The Blog of Elaine Wang

8 December 2016

My mom thinks everything we buy for her breaks because we get her shitty stuff. They don't break, she just doesn't know how to use them. I am about to swing. Don't tell me something is broken if I can "fix" it in 2 seconds. She's all like ohhh I took computer classes before I know how to do things. Girl you took them like 20 years ago times have changed clearly you don't know shit so just stop blaming other people for your own damn inadequacies. Literally just ask me can you help me do this and I'll do it. Stop yelling.

3 December 2016

「我很美我很美我很美我很美 沒有什麼事能把我這大美女打倒」-a beautiful girl

What does it take to be satisfied.

I take a glimpse into the lives of others, they look so perfect and far away, yet still must convince themselves they are beautiful.

I feel anger for what I don't have. Can I ever convince myself that I'm beautiful. Say it four times or don't, it's true either way. Say it never say it once, it's false either way.

Am I truly deserving of this emotion seeing as though I am still. It's so easy to give up. One day. Half a day. A minute. A second. One jump. Two jumps. My heart feels like a heavy rock. It's not the heart it's the legs. The feet. Stop.

Lie in my bed and stare at the sky past the ceiling. Look past the city lights at the stars. Remain in fantasy.

The alarm rings, and I'm pulled out into the world where people are beautiful.

1 December 2016

I never really thought about the stress of college apps. I mean I knew I had to do them, but I guess I didn't really care that much because I knew I would get in somewhere fine, and I did. I was kind of afraid, I can't say I wasn't, but it was more the fear that I would disappoint my dad.

I'm hungry.

I'm sort of annoyed right now I don't know why.

It's weird because I never really looked back. I just did all the essays for some college in a day and turned it in without a second opinion. You could say I didn't ask for peer edits because I was afraid of having to spend time changing things, spend time caring more than I wanted to. I just wrote 4 USC essays and turned it in for the Merit Scholarship deadline. They were shitty. Aditi asked me why I'm applying to all these schools if I don't even really want to go, and I'd like to say I don't know but I do know. I'm doing it because I feel like I'd be selling myself short if I didn't. But I don't say that because it clearly doesn't line up with my actions. If I truly thought I was selling myself short I would try harder.

I'm also curious. I wonder if I could do it. There are schools like Stanford which I know won't accept me of all people so I don't apply, but some other schools I still wonder. Like maybe I could make it. It's dumb because the acceptance rate for Computer Science for the schools I'm talking about are pretty much Stanford level anyway. I don't know what I'm doing. I'm really cold right now, my fingers are freezing. I'm having a hard time typing.

I haven't even visited any schools. I'm so dumb. It's probably because I'm afraid of falling in love with a school and then not being accepted. It always comes down to being afraid. I'm always afraid of something.

I've said this numerous times before, but I try not to care and act easygoing because it's so much easier to not be disappointed that way. I can't be disappointed about not getting into Caltech if I say I don't want to go there because it's depressing. I can't be disappointed about not getting into Carnegie Mellon if I convince myself there was no way I was getting in anyway. I can't I can't I can't. I never can.

A friend said she hated that people were telling her how lucky she is for having finished her college apps since it's their own fault they procrastinated. They shame her for stressing out about decisions even though decisions are out of her hand unlike writing the essays.

I was in dance today doing yoga, and I looked in the mirror. I didn't really feel like crying or anything. It was just a feeling of huh. Every dance period I'm forced to look in the mirror. Just because I have to try harder doesn't mean I should give up trying at all.

But its so much harder watching other people.

So much envy.

A pear. An apple. Water. Laughing. Loving. Giving up.

8 November 2016

Or lack thereof. I thought we didn't use our phones during lunch that much, and it's true, I don't. Yet two of my friends are constantly doing something on their phone whether it be reading webtoon or watching some show. Like im glad you'd rather do something you can do anytime instead of actually interacting with people. I can't believe me of all people is saying that. I guess I'm just not interesting enough. Whenever Aditi is here, it seems to be better. We talk about stupid things and it's fun, but I'm not fun.

I'm so annoyed right now.

6 November 2016

30 October 2016

I hate it when people touch my stuff without asking. It makes me feel so irrationally angry. I got my admissions package from Purdue in the mail and she keeps taking it when I'm trying to read it even though she can't even read it. Like what are you staring at it for if you don't even understand English. I'm so salty right now just stop touching my shit. Stop sitting next to me and asking me all these random questions that I don't know the answers to. I don't know what school I'm going to yet okay. Just stop talking to me for a second and leave me alone.

On a more positive note, I went to the Halloween Haunt yesterday. It was pretty fun. I screamed a lot. I basically crashed when I got home though; I was so tired, and my stomach was really tight/uncomfortable from the fear. My heart was literally hurting when I got out of CornStalkers. We're so weird. Why would anyone enjoy being scared, but we do anyway.

27 October 2016

So instead of reading Beloved right now, I'm writing this because I was getting a little bit overwhelmed by the homework I had today. I feel like tomorrow's school day will be a train wreck. I have a Biotech meeting and those always stress me out no matter what. It's weird because the moment you're president, it feels like the failure or success of your club is completely on your shoulders. That makes sense but also I feel like it shouldn't be that way.

It's just embarrassing to me because nobody really goes to my club meetings except for my friends and sometimes 1 or 2 other people. So I feel bad for my officers because I think they must be thinking wow this club is so lame. One time there was a good amount of people, but for some reason they all just disappeared after that meeting. Maybe it was because the email said we would have drinks. But drinks aren't really that tempting so I don't know why people came to that one.

Anyway, despite my premonition of tomorrow being shitty (basically every Friday I have a Biotech meeting feels shitty to me), I started this post to write about happy things for this week.

I'm happy that on Saturday I'm going to the Great America Halloween Haunt with my friends.

I'm happy that tomorrow I'm going to eat KBBQ for my mom's birthday. I hope she's happy tomorrow so we can all be happy.

I'm happy that my literature teacher told me I have good analysis. Even though Ms. J is making me suffer through this book, I will live somehow.

I'm happy that my friends are still my friends.

I'm happy that Kyle is here.

I'm happy I kind of made a friend in Y&G. Hopefully she actually thinks so too unlike last time this happened. It really sucked.

I'm happy there's going to be three dollar Chipotle next Monday.

I guess I'm happy that November 1st is coming so I can get over with that batch of Early Action applications. I'm thinking I'll just do Caltech Regular Decision since there is no real advantage of doing Early Action Caltech. I still need to finish my Illinois Urbana-Champaign essay though.

Please be happy.

25 October 2016

I care.

It kind of annoys/saddens me when people post on social media that nobody cares about them and they should just leave or delete their account. On one hand I understand that they may be feeling down that day, or they may have depression and anxiety and may actually believe it at times, but when they post those kinds of words somewhere where only their friends (the people who care about them) can see, it kind of makes me feel like all the caring I did—or at least thought I did—didn't mean anything to them. I love you I wish you could feel like people love you all the time but I know we all have our insecure moments.

And then a bunch of people post that they care and that they are an amazing person, and I just have to wonder why it has to be like this. You had to have known a bunch of people would come and try to cheer you up, so what was the point. Let's say that none of these people actually do care, and they are just saying all of this to be nice or good mannered. If that's the case, then you wouldn't know anyway and you just have a bunch of people pretending to care so what was the point of asking in the first place if everyone might just be fake. I honestly don't think it's like this. I might think so if it was Facebook or something where you're "friends" with everyone, but not in this case. Now let's say everyone actually does care. Well then the problem is solved and people do care so why do you need people to tell you explicitly. I probably just don't understand.

This is similar to when a different friend gave me the impression that she didn't want to be friends with me because I didn't provide her with anything positive back. I felt like everything I had done in the past, thinking it was helpful, didn't mean shit.

I know that their post obviously wasn't a personal attack or anything like that and it was just feelings, we all have feelings, but I always wonder at the mindset.

I could never post in an area surrounded by friends that nobody gives a shit about me. I would feel like I was undermining all the love and help I've received from them. Maybe I'm just lucky enough to feel like I have people who care. But as someone who cares about them, even if they don't think so, I won't believe that I'm the only one.

This morning I was debating if I should post a comment trying to cheer them up. If I didn't, would that mean that I didn't care about them enough. In the end I didn't because I was salty and petty. Everyone feels down so it isn't even that big of a deal, but I just can never wrap my head around it. Then again I never really post about my emotions on social media, so I probably just don't know.

25 October 2016

This actually happened last Friday (October 21st), but I wasn't really in the mood to blog until now. Basically I got my first acceptance letter(?) from Purdue University. It was an email, but that's not really that important. It was almost the end of the school day, and I wasn't really even think about anything except for the random story we were reading since I have Contemporary Literature last, but then I happened to check my email. It was an email from Purdue Admissions (obviously), but I didn't really think about it and thought it was just one of the random reminders they send you, so my acceptance was pretty sudden. There was no feeling of 'man this email is like opening Pandora's Box, I can't do it, it's too much pressure'. Then again, Purdue has rolling admission and is pretty easy to get into so it wouldn't have been that dramatic regardless, but I was still so happy. I had such a dumb grin on my face. I knew they would be accepting the first batch of people on the 21st but for some reason I thought the 21st was a Saturday, and I didn't expect my decision to come out in the first batch.

I'm checking the email again and it's shocking how unaware I am when I check emails. The subject was literally "Congratulations - You're a Boilermaker!". Flew right by me. I kind of wish I could relive that moment of brief euphoria.

On a different note, I got mail from Northeastern University (my sister's school) and in it there were a bunch of nice looking cute letters and even fake Polaroid pictures. Schools spend so much money just sending nice ass shit to people. Basically the stuff just said thanks for applying to our College of Science, here are some letters typed in that handwriting font from our students and staff etc. I just think it's so funny that they use the handwriting font so you think it's personal but it's obviously a font and mass produced letters so I don't know what they're trying to achieve here. Like why are you sending me this stuff if it isn't an acceptance. And they were writing the letter as if I was going to go already, even before I committed, in fact, even before they accepted me! Imagine I don't get in and just look back at the letters wondering what it was all for.

Bless

Now it's awkward because I don't know if I'm even going to go to Purdue depending on the other schools I get into. My grades aren't that great though, so I doubt I'll get into Georgia Tech, Caltech, Carnegie Mellon, etc.

18 October 2016

So I've been playing the Pokemon Sun and Moon demo. I don't really know how I feel right now. I mean obviously I love it and I'm super excited for the game, but I don't have that giddy feeling. One reason is probably because I watched a livestream of it so I already know pretty much how it plays out in the beginning, but also because I know there is school and college apps impeding me from enjoying the experience. I can already see myself on November 18th wanting to play the game, probably playing the game, but them getting stressed out because I still need to finish my UC apps and the other random apps that are due in December and January. I'm glad that I'm done with my standardized tests though. I technically only have 2 SAT Subject Tests that I got good scores on because the third one is Chinese and the fourth one is like a 600 something in Chemistry, but I think I'm okay for what I'm aiming for.

I see my friends who aim high and go for these great schools, and I kind of wish I could have that kind of motivation to achieve because at this point I don't really care that much. I'm kind of just okay with whatever comes my way as long as I can live a decent life. I get that there are many opportunities and experiences that you can have if you go to top schools like MIT, Stanford, etc. but seeing as how my life hasn't been crazy, I don't have anything amazing to say, and my grades aren't anywhere near good enough, I don't want to psych myself up for something that is 99% chance not going to happen. I don't even have a great love for these schools either. At one point, I thought Carnegie Mellon was my top school, but now I'm thinking about it, I don't really know if it's my top school. Actually I know it isn't. I mean I would love to get in seeing as though it's top ranked in the major I'm choosing, but I don't have any pressing reason that I absolutely want to go to that school; I don't have any particular emotion or love towards the school.

I'm not even sure if some of my friends have any great love for their top school. One of my friends really wants to go to MIT. Another friend really wants to go to Brown. They both have legitimate reasons why they want to go in terms of their career goals, but they aren't reasons that the schools haven't already heard a million times. I hate the "Why _____" question. I feel like if they give that question, it should at least be optional with a different question as the main essay because honestly, that question is only beneficial if you have some amazing story to tell like how you love waffles or something. Otherwise it's just another bullshit essay we have to write and pretend to care about and another bullshit essay the admissions is forced to read. It's kind of a waste.

I guess it could be a sort of motivation for you to go visit and research and find something you end up loving about the school. But I don't have the motivation to pay a thousand bucks to travel across US seeing as though I don't even care enough about the school in the first place. Who even knows.

Earlier today, my mom started yelling at my oldest sister because she was planning on dying her hair green again. And then she started yelling at me because I told her she cares too much about that stuff. We had this huge fight and now I'm just pissed. I made some damn good points, but of course she's my mom so of course she has to be a bigoted piece of shit that can't even understand basic logic. I would put our entire exchange here but that would just make me more mad and would probably take 3000 years so I'm just going to stop and calm down.

No but really, why do people give a shit when other people dye their hair or get tattoos. My dance teacher dyed her hair and she still looks hot as hell. In fact I think it gives her more character. I don't go like wow, how could a teacher dye their hair that's so unprofessional like give me god damn break it is 2016. Even if it was like 300 BC I still wouldn't give a damn. My AP Biology teacher once told us that she has a dislike for tattoos and whenever she sees someone with tattoos she automatically judges them for it. BUT THEN, she takes a step back and thinks, you know, I don't know their story, I don't know their skills, their personality, IN FACT, WAIT, I DON'T KNOW SHIT, SO HOW ABOUT I CALM THE FUCK DOWN AND STOP BEING A PIECE OF SHIT? Really. Check yourself please.

15 October 2016

During dance, we always listen to music in the background while we work out, and since I basically never listen to music on my own, I found so many songs I like from that class. It's weird because she used to play a song called We Don't Talk Anymore and I really liked the cover she played but I can't find that version anywhere. She doesn't seem to play the song anymore though so here I am stuck listening to the original on YouTube. Ugh I'm so annoyed because the version she had was so pretty.

I never realized it before, but it's such an applicable song if you take out all the romantic undertones.

We don't talk anymore, we don't talk anymore
We don't talk anymore, like we used to do
We don't love (laugh?) anymore
What was all of it for?
Oh, we don't talk anymore, like we used to do

I just heard you found the one you've been looking
You've been looking for
I wish I would have known that wasn't me
Cause even after all this time I still wonder
Why I can't move on
Just the way you did so easily

Don't wanna know
What kind of dress you're wearing tonight
If he's holding onto you so tight
The way I did before
I overdosed
Should've known your love was a game
Now I can't get you out of my brain
Oh, it's such a shame

That we don't talk anymore, we don't talk anymore
We don't talk anymore, like we used to do
We don't love anymore
What was all of it for?
Oh, we don't talk anymore, like we used to do

I just hope you're lying next to somebody
Who knows how to love you like me
There must be a good reason that you're gone
Every now and then I think you
Might want me to come show up at your door
But I'm just too afraid that I'll be wrong

Don't wanna know
If you're looking into her eyes
If she's holding onto you so tight the way I did before
I overdosed
Should've known your love was a game
Now I can't get you out of my brain
Oh, it's such a shame

(repeat)

That we don't talk anymore

13 October 2016

Man going on Facebook always makes me feel so anxious these days. And it's weird because the person making me nervous is the person I would have least expected if you asked me a few months ago. I feel a painful feeling emanating from my chest, and it just demotivates me from doing anything. I should be doing this crazy Econ assignment right now, but I just feel like lying down and dying. I'll just think about happy things. Sometimes nothing looks happy.

4 October 2016

Okay, I really need calm down with all these consecutive blog posts but now I'm thinking even more.

I just need to stop thinking.

What's the point of blogging knowing that nobody is reading. Like I ask these questions knowing I'm never going to get an answer from anybody, so why am I asking. Why not just ask some real person out there and not my imaginary friend Lizzy. I'm trying to remember why my imaginary friend is named Lizzy in the first place. I'm pretty sure I made her when I was in kindergarten or elementary school, but Lizzy?? I have this strange feeling that it was the name of one of the bears in that weird bear cartoon.

Another weird thing is that all the traffic on my blog is coming from porn websites. Why? It probably just has something to do with the strange place that is the internet.

Back to the point, some people say that blogging is therapeutic. Is it really though? At some point you have to wonder if having all these unanswered emotions floating around gets to be unhealthy. On one hand, you think that if everyone read your blog, you would be more likely to be fake. On the other hand, if you know nobody reads your blog, you would be brutally honest but who cares because of course you're honest if you're the only one that will ever actually read it. So either way, what's the point if you have to be either fake or just rant about shit you already know.

I know some people aren't necessarily "fake" when they have public blogs with many viewers. I can see how that can make people happy with people in comments discussing and sharing their opinions/agreement. People like it when others agree with them. Not so much when they don't.

I guess running an unknown blog can be cool for purposes of chronicling one's life and reading past posts to see how you've changed. Sometimes I read my past posts and it's like I don't even remember writing them. Or I think about how dumb I was back then.

Thinking more, even when I know nobody is really reading my blog, I still kind of lie to myself. For example, around March of this year, I made a mistake in my math class. I never really wrote out what the mistake was. I still can't write what it was, because I'm afraid of myself. It's like I'm hoping that one day I'll just forget about it, and that will somehow make it okay. I know that's bad. It's like when you're so convinced of your own lie, it becomes the truth. Even though it is still just a lie.

Sometimes I wish people I knew read my blog so they would know how I felt without me actually having to tell them. That's bad too. I should probably just tell them.

I'm a coward.

4 October 2016

I know I literally just made a post like an hour ago today, but I just got some more thoughts.

What are you supposed to do when you know someone is falling apart but it seems like they don't want help from you. Well I guess you could say the obvious thing to do would be to leave them alone because they probably just want space, but at some point you have to wonder if that's the best option. I mean if they wanted to talk they would, but what if they wanted you to talk. Who knows. I've been rereading some emails and I feel like maybe I'm being unfair and maybe I should just really chill out and stop being angry at people. I said I was okay, but maybe I wasn't. I think I should be okay now as I think about it more. I just keep thinking, will any of this ever work out. Or will that just be the end of everything.

Why am I always asking other people about things expecting them to solve the problem for me. Things become twisted, tempers rise, and nothing is solved. I should just wait.

On a side note, I was reading this lady's answers on Quora, and she needs to chill out. Like she claims to be an admissions officer, but I'm really hoping that's a lie because she is so rude and ignorant it's incredible. Oh, you have these Olympic specs? You'll barely get into De Anza. Like HELLO? Let's be realistic here. And then she wrote a reply to this girl who was asking about changing her Chinese name to an English one, and she says that that's "RUDE" including the all caps. I was in shock. Like so many people at my school have "English" names even though their name on the roster is Chinese. Even my oldest sister has a Chinese legal name, but the name she uses is in English. How is that rude. It honestly just makes it easier for both them and the teachers. What is the deal. And then she says she knows it's rude the other way around too like if an American went to China and got a Chinese name. ???? Literally as long as you are respectful, nobody actually gives a shit. Basically she says a bunch of bullshit about admissions and constantly looks down on community college; who does this bitch think she is.

4 October 2016

I have a Physics test tomorrow and, as usual, I have no idea what is going on. I wonder if I should be going into computer science because people always say you should be good at stuff like math to go into engineering. That makes sense, but I don't really think I'm good at math. I don't get things intuitively when it's taught, I have to think for a while about it, and even then, I don't always understand it. The test tomorrow is about forces, and whenever they give the problem, I just stare at it and have no idea where to start. It's not even like I'm horrible at math or anything, it's just that I'm not good at it either. I hate being average at everything.

I'm also getting pissed off again about life. Like I thought I was chill after a good talk with my friends, but some things just trigger my anger. It's weird how the brain works. How jealousy works. I really just want to go fuck you fuck me fuck this fuck everything and forget it all I'm so annoyed. Like what has that bitch done. Well she's not really a bitch, I like her, but seriously, what have any of these people done?

I was looking at old chats with people and man I said some deep shit. I'm reading some of the stuff I said and I'm shocked like where did this shit come from.

2 October 2016

I am so grateful that I have friends who care about me. I said in a previous post that I didn't care if they told me they cared because I expect it from them. Thinking back, it sounds kind of ungrateful but I didn't really mean it that way. It's just that most of them give deeper consolation than just caring, if that even makes sense. I'm honestly not sure where I would be or what I would do without the friends I have.

Sometimes I see people who look like they are always sitting alone at lunch, and I wonder if they have friends. Sometimes I see the people that everybody knows, but nobody is actually friends with. There was this guy that my friend used to talk to and had a crush on. He had the "look" of someone you would expect to be popular. And people knew him and talked to him. But during lunch my friend asked him who he sat with and he said nobody because he didn't have any friends. It was like he knew everybody and everybody thought everyone else knew him so he probably already has friends he's with regularly. But, in the end, he has nobody. That seems even sadder to me than being lonely in the sense that nobody knows you. It's like everyone knows you, people like you, but it's as if they don't like you enough or care enough to actually be friends with you because they assume there's already someone else. After all, if almost the whole school knows you, there's bound to be someone you're already friends with right?

Sometimes I wonder why people choose to be friends with me, and I know the answer is because they like me, but sometimes I wonder anyway. A friend told me that friendship is something you just have without expecting compensation. Doesn't that sound like such a magical thing that you only find in anime? Thinking about it, I would say that that's how I view friendships too. It just never occurred to me because I never really expect anything equal back when I do things for my friends like a business exchange or something. Another friend said that whenever she plans parties or outings for us, she does it because she likes to do it not because she's expecting one of us to plan the next one. It's funny because a different friend then said that her mom's circle of "friends" are always tallying and counting in their minds who owes who what. For her carpool, it always has to be a perfect give and take of which parent is driving. That's more like a circle of forced acquaintances than friends to me. Who would call something like that a friendship.

Sometimes I wonder if everything I do is useless or meaningless. What's the point of being friends with someone that doesn't make you happy right? What's the point of interacting with someone that has no "use" to you. Then again, what's the point of thinking you have friends when everyone you talk to doesn't actually give a shit. Which friend would you call to bail you out of jail, and who would say yes. I'm trying to think of each friend and what use they have to me. That sounds funny doesn't it. It's like I'm the antagonist who goes, "HAH! DID YOU THINK I ACTUALLY CARED? I WAS JUST USING YOU THIS WHOLE TIME." I'm laughing to myself just typing that because it's so ridiculous. So then what are friends for? Helping you even though they don't get anything back. Being there for you even though they have other things to do. Getting into fights but making up anyway because it hurts when the people you care about are hurting.

16 September 2016

I am anxious right now and can't fall asleep. I don't really know why I'm anxious. For the most part, today was a happy day. I laughed a lot and it was fun.

Actually I think I do know why I'm anxious. The first biotech club meeting is tomorrow. Normally I'd just be like whatever about it, but now that I'm president this year, I feel so much pressure not to screw up. It's stupid because I know it will probably go fine, but I'm anxious anyway. On one hand, I want a lot of people to show up, but on the other hand, I just want it to be a small group of nice people that I don't have to feel nervous around.

I have an Economics FRQ tomorrow, and I wouldn't be anxious about it but I am because it's on top of the club meeting and I just started thinking about college apps and how I just want all my teachers to get their shit in so I don't have to worry about their side and I can just do my own thing. I don't like the feeling of relying on someone to do something because I'm never sure if they'll actually do it. But I feel bad nagging them about it constantly and it just causes stress in general.

31 August 2016

I told my self a while back that I wanted to change myself because I became afraid of caring too much. I was afraid because I know it hurts so much when you feel like you're the only one that cares.

I decided that I should change because I know that all relationships have a high potential to end, so I might as well make the most of it and just care as deeply as I can in the moment. Because of course it will end up hurting, but that just means it mattered.

Yet now I feel like maybe I shouldn't have tried to change myself. Maybe I shouldn't have tried to actively reach out more to the people I care for. I feel like I was right and maybe I was left to be the only one who cares. The only one who's stressing out.

I wondered if when people ask you for your honest opinion, do they really mean it. My friend Olivia said, no, they never do. I thought that if I were close enough friends with someone, maybe we could overcome that barrier. And maybe I was wrong because I suppose it should be obvious that nobody likes to hear negative things.

There's a point in time where I realized that nobody actually cares about you as much as you think they do. I tried hard to change my mindset because that was a very pessimistic way to think. I decided that people do care, and I should make the most of it. But now I'm thinking that I should have stayed like how I was before because it's happening again where I'm hurting because I let myself care too much.

Aditi says that she doesn't like to be friends with people who are friends with everyone because she gets jealous easily and it makes her feel like she never knows what's actually going on.

I felt like that, but at the same time I didn't.

I feel like that now.

Love is turning into hate and I hate myself for it.

Nobody ever cares about you as much as you think they do.

Do I care about people as much as I think I do?

I wish I didn't.

19 August 2016

I find it often that in Asian culture, children don’t talk about their problems to their parents. I can’t speak for everyone, but this is true in my family. I always find it funny when teachers or counselors at school tell us to explain to our parents our stress, issues, etc. because it just isn’t something my family does. In the end they always tell you that they are doing what they do for your own good. My parents aren’t even that strict compared to some of my friends’ parents, but I still wish I could feel comfortable talking to them when I’m having problems.

In Chinese, the character 忍 means to endure. I noticed that when breaking up the top and bottom characters into 刃 and 心 which mean blade and heart respectively, to endure is effectively symbolized as placing a blade over your heart; in other words, suppressing one’s emotions even though it feels like stabbing yourself with a blade. That is something I found to represent the familial relationships in my culture.

12 August 2016

Okay so this has been bothering me for a while but I don't really know what to do about it. Well I do know; I just don't want to do it.

Basically it makes me really sad and uncomfortable when people don't credit me when they use my photos. Granted, my photos aren't anything incredible and I'm sure they think they could take photos that are just as good, but when they don't credit me, it makes me feel like they don't appreciate the time and work I put into taking those photos for them. I doubt that they are doing it on purpose and they probably just forget, but even though I'm their friend, it still makes me happy to see them use my photos and acknowledge the effort I put into them. It's not that they forget every time, some forget more than others. I don't really know anymore. I guess I'm just sad because they never forget for anyone else even when they are kind of friends and it leaves the impression that they prefer their photography. Actually, I'm pretty sure they do prefer her photography because she is honestly more skilled and edits her photos, and that's fine, but that's not really the point.

I suppose the only way to fix this would be to let them know how I feel, but I don't like making people feel uncomfortable. I love it when they end up using even one of the hundreds of photos I take for them, and I don't want to jeopardize that.

I would say that it bothers me more when my closer friends don't credit me, but it's kind of a different form of bother. When people I don't know well don't credit me, I feel angry and salty. Not extreme anger or anything, just annoyed that I took time to take their photos and they don't even acknowledge it.

This happened just today where a girl I took photos for yesterday posted a photo I took on Instagram; what miffed me was that she remembered to tag the two people she was cosplaying with, yet she couldn't even tag the person who took the photo for her? It's not even like I didn't know her at all; I talked to her the whole day and even cooked with her. I'm just really salty.

When close friends don't credit me, it doesn't make me feel angry or anything, it just makes me feel sad. Sad because I know they aren't throwing shade and they probably just forgot. I understand because maybe they are used to having me take photos for them and so they forget, but, sue me, I like having validation. I say that I know they aren't throwing shade because they are my friends, but I'm also pretty sure the other girl wasn't trying to throw shade either. She was a nice person. It probably just didn't even cross her mind because I obviously wasn't in the photo, I was behind it.

I was thinking of making a post about my salt, but it would be really obvious and passive aggressive and it would be a lot smarter to just let them know directly how I felt. But like I said before, I can't bring myself to do either.

It's interesting because one of the friends I take photos for always remembers to leave photo credits, maybe because she's an artist and understands.

People on the internet always get up in arms about giving credit when you use someone else's art. I'd like to think that if I were to use her edits, she would be bothered if I didn't credit her. I get that edits and drawing etc. take more effort and skill than my amateur photography, but I feel like it still qualifies as art and that the time I dedicated for them means something.

I just don't want to sound entitled and all "ohhh I'm so talented and amazing at photography how dare you forget about me", but I'm sad.

I guess I'm wondering if my feelings are unreasonable and dumb.

I shouldn't even be this bothered. It's not like it happens super often. This whole thing was stupid.

[I wrote this essay as my final assignment of Honors American Literature, which was a personal narrative. Mr. Carpenter wanted us to learn that absolute occurrence is irrelevant as displayed in The Things They Carried. This was the essay I turned in and read to the class. I was unsure of what to write about (as I'm sure we all were), especially because we were all expected to read it out to the class. In the end, I started with a snippet of an idea and words just flowed from there.]

8 August 2016

It's college admissions season and with it comes the arduous process of writing a bunch of mind numbing essays that are supposed to showcase myself without them actually knowing myself. I get mixed answers when I search for what the admissions offices want. Sometimes it makes sense, but a lot of the times it doesn't.

People say they don't want super depressing stories about mental disabilities or cancer that don't end on a happy note. Other people say they don't want essays that droll on and on about our achievements. I can understand both of these; they have to read thousands and thousands of essays, and many of them end up being nearly the same. But also I can't because, sometimes, what it sounds like to me is that they want a story that shows growth and a sense of final accomplishment by the end, regardless of the truth.

"Just be yourself."

I find that life isn't perfect with happy endings ready for each challenge we face. Some challenges are still in progress and others end in failure. I suppose they want to know about the challenges we overcame and how that changed us as a person (or something stupid and cliche like that), but challenges we overcame aren't always the most interesting or revealing.

I was challenged by my Calculus class. I ended up not failing. And how did that change me as a person? It didn't. It's just like every other challenging class I've ever had. It sucked.

I suppose my life isn't interesting enough or shitty enough or crazy enough to have significant challenges that could change me. I suppose my personality is a result from many different experiences as well as the biological maturation of my brain, as is most people's. I suppose I have to show all of these things in an essay because maybe I'm expected to exaggerate or paint a picture that isn't the full truth. And I get that.

My mom is crazy. My sister is depressed. How did that change me? I'm not sure. It makes me angry and bitter but also understanding. But isn't that like thousands of other people?

On the other hand, I can understand that it all depends on how you frame your story. Two people can write about eating an apple in vastly different ways. The fact is, apples aren't very interesting, but what about flying apples? That's an exaggeration, but I'm sure my point has been made.

I mentioned before that a friend of mine told me that I should change part of my summer program application essay because it didn't paint me in a good light. In a way that makes sense because first impressions matter. Why would anyone want to paint themselves in a bad light. But it makes me sad because for all they say they want to "get to know us", how well are they really getting to know us if all they see is the side of us that's perfect and positive.

I guess what I'm wondering is what constitutes as too far. When is being real not optimal. I'm sure the answer most people would tell me is that I need to strike a balance between making them like me and not being too f a k e.

If there's one thing I learned from high school, it would probably be from Mr. Carpenter: "Absolute occurrence is irrelevant".

Her dad just texted Olivia back and she's just on a backpacking trip so that's a relief. Glad everything is okay.

26 July 2016

Okay so apparently she should be back in America already because she was in the airport on the 15th. The last I've seen of any activity was 15th/16th so I honestly don't know what's going on. Is she at White Stag or something and I just forgot like I always do? Anyway I'm worried I even looked up plane crash information but I doubt that. I hope it all ends up okay.

Okay so I just checked my hangouts and there was a message she sent about how she wouldn't be able to access her AP scores until July 9th because she was in China. I ended up checking for her so there was that, but that means that she was heading somewhere else on the 15th because I assume she would come back from China on the 9th. I'm like high key over thinking all of this.

Okay wait never mind I think she did head back to America on the 15th because I was still chatting her on WeChat about China stuff on the 9th and beyond so I honestly don't know anymore. Hopefully she's just at some camp somewhere with no data or ignoring me and not dead. I asked my other friend to chat her and see if she replies.

Haha I just realized I started all three paragraphs with "Okay".

24 July 2016

Here is audio blog number 4, which is me randomly talking about a fanfiction I was reading and about a friend's birthday/birthdays in general and lost friendships.

I skipped 2 and 3 which were both recorded on the 22nd because 2 is me ranting about random shit for an hour and 3 is just me freaking out about the birthday thing after sending the message which I cover in 4. It's still possible to listen to them by clicking the hyperlink in the about me (I don't know why anyone would though) since they are all in the same drive folder. Actually now that I'm thinking about it I'll put blog 3 here anyway I'm so indecisive.

Blog 3: https://drive.google.com/open?id=0B2lS2zoBBeGocXhhaE1yVmR2MTA

Blog 4: https://drive.google.com/open?id=0B2lS2zoBBeGoVnU1RUVTZDBZdXM

As an extension to the audio, the other friend also told me that because I still remembered in the end that it was probably okay, and it kind of calmed me down, but also it's been two days now and I'm like well maybe it's not okay.

Blog 2 (random rants): https://drive.google.com/open?id=0B2lS2zoBBeGobHJSWXJZOU9ZUkE

20 July 2016

This is my first time recording an audio blog/podcast thing and it's pretty bad, but I mean there's a first for everything. I sound so awkward and use the words "like" and "I don't even know" way too many times it's embarrassing to listen to. But I had fun with the parts where I was talking about my own life as opposed to when I was spouting shit about the stupid YT drama that's going on right now because tbh I don't know shit about that stuff.

Also it would be more streamlined if I used podbean and embedded the audio player into the blog post with the HTML or whatever but I ain't paying for that shit when nobody is even going to listen to it. Like I have to use google docs' shady external audio player that you can open when it tells you it's not supported or something.

https://drive.google.com/open?id=0B2lS2zoBBeGoamhXdVF5a0RmVnc

28 June 2016

I want to feel that feeling that I can do anything. I want to feel it so badly. They say you can do anything if you make it a habit to get there. I'm crying because I want that feeling so much. I want to be like the people I see on Instagram Facebook TV that look like they're able to do anything because the world runs in their favor and I want to feel like that.

I want to feel like there are no worries in the world because I defied the expectations that the world set for me.

I want to feel like I'm the most beautiful I could ever be because I had to try in order to get to where I am.

I want to feel like the person I am in my mind who dances and sings and laughs and plays and runs and jumps and swims and speaks and all the amazing things possible.

I want to feel like I can go to a job interview and smile with confidence that if I don't get it it's because my skill isn't good enough.

I want to feel like the love I have for my friends and feel like how I think they feel at their happiest.

I want to feel all these things and more.

27 June 2016

I think almost everyone already knows about the phenomenon in which we talk about bad things more than the good things. My Biology teacher told us that we should write three things that we are looking forward to/happy about every morning because it would really improve our lives in the long run.

I guess happy things are just boring? It kind of sucks, but it seems like people don't really want to hear about the happy things in life. I mean, I doubt everyone is super sadistic and loves to listen to the stories that make people suffer, but it kind of seems that way. Whenever there's a tragic incident that happens, a lot of people (myself included) scramble to connect themselves to the incident in some way.

"I knew him."

"I was across the street."

"I felt it."

It's okay because it doesn't effect them. We have the tendency to think we are invincible, and during those existential crises we all have, it's kind of unsettling to think how easily we all die. I go through life knowing I'll die at some point, but I don't always actively think about it. Like I'm walking down the stairs at school, and sometimes I just have a sudden thought that 'wow, that dude behind me could just push me and I'd probably die'. I'm walking along a sidewalk and think ' wow, I could just jump to the side and die'. It's weird because sometimes I think I'm not afraid of death, but actually I know I am. I am afraid to die. I am afraid of not knowing what's after death. I'm so accustomed to feeling things as a human, and I just can't imagine being done. Absolutely nothing. Will it feel like sleeping when I'm not dreaming? You wake up and it's kind of like you didn't sleep at all because all those hours just disappeared? Except you don't wake up. But I think it's still different because being dead means your bodily functions have failed you and stopped right? So by then I'm just organic matter. I'm organic matter right now, but I can think so it's weird. I still think it's strange how humans have made so many things like computers and music and all this stuff. I'm wondering how I know how to type this language and read it and know what people mean. It's all just very strange.

Anyway, happy things are boring because they don't really do anything. When I'm sad, afraid, anxious, etc. it's usually for a reason. It's my brain warning me that if I don't do something, something shitty will probably happen. With happy things, it's kind of just validation. I guess we are instinctively more defensive of what we already have because we don't like the feeling of loss. For example, I do homework because if I don't I'll feel anxious because of my grade. Suppose I ended Calculus with an A. I would feel happy for sure, but I mean I already have the A, so why does it matter. Probably for the mental state. But other people don't really care? It's like "Hey man I got an A in math!!!!" "Yayyyy, I'm so happy for you! I knew you could do it!" That's the typical conversation. But that's basically what you expect. Someone tells you they got an A and you say congrats and it's done. There's no feeling of wanting to know more.

I don't really know what I'm trying to say. I just wish everyone could be happier.

4 June 2016

Every time my mom walks into the room/area I just tense up and feel the mood in the room go to shit. Like I know she's going to sit down on the couch and start talking about bullshit in her past and get really mad about stupid shit and then my dad is going to get mad at my mom for always being so paranoid and being a dumbass in general and then my mom is going to yell at my dad for always getting mad at her even though he's not even that mad and she's the one being such a dumbass and then I get mad internally and it's just so annoying. I can't deal with her bullshit. She always assumes things and thinks she knows what's going on but she actually doesn't know shit?

One week left and I'm done.

They said junior year wouldn't be as bad as people say, and I feel that now that I'm almost done I would be able to say that too. Even though I know it's not true for the sophomores about to start it. Everything difficult looks brighter once it's already over.

One week left and I'm not done.

There's still college apps and the stress of getting into an okay college. I hope I'll be fine.

18 May 2016

Why can't things just be simple so people don't have to be sad.

I don't know what I'm trying to say. It just came up in my mind.

I don't really freak out over things or break down or have panic attacks or anything of that nature. I guess I don't really care enough to. Right now I feel like I should be freaking out. I have to make a bunch of experiments for my Biology PDP group myself because nobody in my group wants to do anything. I don't want to do anything either. That's due Monday. I also have a 10 page essay about an author I know nothing about due on Monday as well that's worth a ton of points so I can't afford to fail it. But I haven't even started. I haven't even finished reading his book, let alone his second book. I don't know what I'm going to do. I have to answer a bunch of questions so I won't fail the BRAWL about The Things They Carried. I have my AP Chinese test tomorrow, and I should be calm about it because I'm okay at Chinese but I also feel like I'm not okay enough. Mainly I'm worried about the essay though. I'm tired. There's also a personal narrative due next Friday and I don't know what I'm going to write for that one either. I think it should be easy but it isn't because we also have to read it out to the class and I'm not okay with that.

12 April 2016

Yesterday night my friend asked me if I was there. I said yes. But I feel asleep soon after so when she replied again asking if I was still there because she needed to talk, I didn't hear. I went to a math practice test this morning at 8 and saw the text. I replied but didn't get an answer until around now. I asked if she still needed to talk. She said no. I don't know if she's okay or not because all she said was no. I don't want to pry and ask her why. I don't know if she meant no to my question asking if she was alive or my question asking her if she still needed to talk. She probably just doesn't want to talk. I wish I hadn't fallen asleep last night. I just don't know what to do. Should I say something? Should I ask her why? I'm not good at this. All I can say is okay. Maybe I'm just worrying too much. But it makes me uncomfortable knowing something might be wrong yet I don't know what to do about it. I wish I were a better friend.