31 August 2016

I told my self a while back that I wanted to change myself because I became afraid of caring too much. I was afraid because I know it hurts so much when you feel like you're the only one that cares.

I decided that I should change because I know that all relationships have a high potential to end, so I might as well make the most of it and just care as deeply as I can in the moment. Because of course it will end up hurting, but that just means it mattered.

Yet now I feel like maybe I shouldn't have tried to change myself. Maybe I shouldn't have tried to actively reach out more to the people I care for. I feel like I was right and maybe I was left to be the only one who cares. The only one who's stressing out.

I wondered if when people ask you for your honest opinion, do they really mean it. My friend Olivia said, no, they never do. I thought that if I were close enough friends with someone, maybe we could overcome that barrier. And maybe I was wrong because I suppose it should be obvious that nobody likes to hear negative things.

There's a point in time where I realized that nobody actually cares about you as much as you think they do. I tried hard to change my mindset because that was a very pessimistic way to think. I decided that people do care, and I should make the most of it. But now I'm thinking that I should have stayed like how I was before because it's happening again where I'm hurting because I let myself care too much.

Aditi says that she doesn't like to be friends with people who are friends with everyone because she gets jealous easily and it makes her feel like she never knows what's actually going on.

I felt like that, but at the same time I didn't.

I feel like that now.

Love is turning into hate and I hate myself for it.

Nobody ever cares about you as much as you think they do.

Do I care about people as much as I think I do?

I wish I didn't.