2 October 2016

I am so grateful that I have friends who care about me. I said in a previous post that I didn't care if they told me they cared because I expect it from them. Thinking back, it sounds kind of ungrateful but I didn't really mean it that way. It's just that most of them give deeper consolation than just caring, if that even makes sense. I'm honestly not sure where I would be or what I would do without the friends I have.

Sometimes I see people who look like they are always sitting alone at lunch, and I wonder if they have friends. Sometimes I see the people that everybody knows, but nobody is actually friends with. There was this guy that my friend used to talk to and had a crush on. He had the "look" of someone you would expect to be popular. And people knew him and talked to him. But during lunch my friend asked him who he sat with and he said nobody because he didn't have any friends. It was like he knew everybody and everybody thought everyone else knew him so he probably already has friends he's with regularly. But, in the end, he has nobody. That seems even sadder to me than being lonely in the sense that nobody knows you. It's like everyone knows you, people like you, but it's as if they don't like you enough or care enough to actually be friends with you because they assume there's already someone else. After all, if almost the whole school knows you, there's bound to be someone you're already friends with right?

Sometimes I wonder why people choose to be friends with me, and I know the answer is because they like me, but sometimes I wonder anyway. A friend told me that friendship is something you just have without expecting compensation. Doesn't that sound like such a magical thing that you only find in anime? Thinking about it, I would say that that's how I view friendships too. It just never occurred to me because I never really expect anything equal back when I do things for my friends like a business exchange or something. Another friend said that whenever she plans parties or outings for us, she does it because she likes to do it not because she's expecting one of us to plan the next one. It's funny because a different friend then said that her mom's circle of "friends" are always tallying and counting in their minds who owes who what. For her carpool, it always has to be a perfect give and take of which parent is driving. That's more like a circle of forced acquaintances than friends to me. Who would call something like that a friendship.

Sometimes I wonder if everything I do is useless or meaningless. What's the point of being friends with someone that doesn't make you happy right? What's the point of interacting with someone that has no "use" to you. Then again, what's the point of thinking you have friends when everyone you talk to doesn't actually give a shit. Which friend would you call to bail you out of jail, and who would say yes. I'm trying to think of each friend and what use they have to me. That sounds funny doesn't it. It's like I'm the antagonist who goes, "HAH! DID YOU THINK I ACTUALLY CARED? I WAS JUST USING YOU THIS WHOLE TIME." I'm laughing to myself just typing that because it's so ridiculous. So then what are friends for? Helping you even though they don't get anything back. Being there for you even though they have other things to do. Getting into fights but making up anyway because it hurts when the people you care about are hurting.