26 June 2016

This Thursday (June 30th) I'm freeloading on my friend Olivia's car to go to LA for Anime Expo (AX). Yeah I already went to LA like last week but I'm going again because I guess that's just how things worked out. Also, as I mentioned in my previous post, I'm freeloading with a friend again because I don't want my trip to be ruined by my parents. Maybe that's kind of selfish though. Actually I'm pretty sure it is a selfish way to think, but that's also just how things worked out. It seems like my life is always just a series of things working out in ways without me really caring or working hard. And I know that one day, things are not going to just work out.

Anyway, as usual, I'm digressing from the original reason I started this post. I've been thinking about how I'm really feeling down about how the AX experience will be. I see all the posts on Instagram about the plans my friends have with other cosplayers that they've made friends with through cosplay gatherings and Instagram and I feel kind of scared? Because obviously I'm not tagged in their plans for dinner, lunch, etc. since it's a cosplay friends meet up thing, but I guess I'm wondering if I should/can go. I know my friends will probably invite me to go because, personally if I were in their shoes, it would be awkward to just be like "yeah let's go to dinner at ______ at ______ o'clock" with a friend just standing there awkwardly. But at the same time, I feel bad because I feel like, if they do invite me, they're doing it out of obligation. I don't want to make their friends feel awkward with me there, and I know that they usually wouldn't be able to meet up outside of conventions, so I guess I'm scared of intruding or being unwelcome. I understand that different sets of friends can chill together without it meaning anything adverse, but I guess it'll feel really lonely to be the only person having to eat alone while everyone else is having fun together. It's different at home because it's not like I'm on a trip, I'm just at home so it doesn't really matter, but since we'll be in LA, it just feels like I should be doing something with someone at all times.

I always end up feeling this way about things. I always end up scared that people don't actually want to hang out with me and they're just doing it out of obligation. For example, when my cousins came to America, I always felt happy but also anxious whenever I hung out with them because I was afraid they were just hanging out with me because I'm their cousin and they have to because their parents were there. I felt this way because they are both so pretty and I'm just not. So whenever we went to the mall or something, it was kind of awkward because I never look at any clothes since I'm embarrassed that my sizes are so much larger than theirs. A lot of the stores they go to don't even carry my size. But they always go out of their way to ask me to try things on so I don't feel left out, but I can tell it's tiring for all of us involved.

Now that only one cousin is in America to go to school in DeAnza, I've basically never hung out with or spoken to her at all. I feel like I should contact her, and I'm sure she'll say yes, but, again, I'm scared she'll be doing it because I'm her cousin and not because she wants to. She has a boyfriend and a cat and stuff now and I just don't know what I'd talk to her about anyway. To be honest I think I feel more comfortable with her older sister who's in Taiwan because she just seems more approachable. Probably because she's slightly older? I don't know.

Basically, I have a pretty deep set insecurities. It's funny because I can practically hear Shuge telling me that it will all be fine and I'm just over thinking it and I know that, but I just don't know. I mean I'm less insecure about my friends than my cousins because it often seems to me that family is obligatory while friendship is choice. It's just that I only know like four people who are going to AX (Olivia, Elizabeth, Olive, and Rachael), and I only consider two of them to be friends. On that note, I also feel super uncomfortable around the two other people. I don't know why because they're both nice individuals, but I just don't like meeting new people. I don't know what to say or do. I kind of just go like "yo" and then the conversation ends like that. It's almost required that I meet people that like to talk about themselves to fill the awkward silences. I guess that's what people mean by opposites attract.

Huhhhhh I'm so tired of not doing things I could otherwise have the courage to do if it weren't for the insecurities I have about my looks.

Honestly I'm pretty sure I'll come back and say that it all worked out in the end as usual, but I guess we all over think things before they happen.

As a side note, I was going to post the gist of these feelings on Instagram but I ended up not doing it. I think it would just make things more awkward. I'm not really the type of person to tell people/talk about my problems because they all feel so trivial compared to their problems. Also I'm afraid that people will think I'm whiny and weak.

Valerie told me once that she thinks I'm a strong person, but I don't know about that.