The Blog of Elaine Wang

25 August 2017

Once again, I am here, confused. Yesterday night I was feeling pretty down as with all my days here and was messaging Aditi about it. Basically spilled all my tragic feelings to her. Then when I go shower and come back I see messages in our group chat which is chill. And then just now (next day) I checked twitter and see a string of tweets like 3 minutes after I left to shower about how she never wants to talk to her high school friends again because she feels somehow left behind while we're all having fun in college even though she chose her path herself. And then she says she deleted her messenger app so she'd be less likely to message us and she's content with being the friend who just says hi once in a while. I guess I don't know because I literally just spilled to her minutes ago about how much fun I wasn't having so??? I mean I guess Chung min and Dhanya are having fun like Dhanya has a group she goes to frat parties and gets drunk with already. Chung Min is doing fine. I'm the only one here dying because I can't get it together and make friends. And now the person I told my problems to is like lol i never want to talk to you again, which kind of makes me feel a lot worse? She said she definitely wants to come visit me, and I kind of deflected because I didn't want her to spend this money just to come see me and then have to leave, making me feel even worse and more alone than ever. Maybe she was offended by that? WHO KNOWS. Why is it that anytime I have any sort of conversation with her, it makes her feel more depressed, and then I feel more depressed because I care about her but somehow I hurt her without knowing why.

Sigh. Just when I thought things might be turning up, this happens. Why am I even surprised. Maybe I should have just not messaged her yesterday.

I can also already feel Dhanya drifting away in just like two days. Literally on Wednesday we had a relatively long chat about how we aren't cut out for the party life and RUSHing etc. and like today she's already frat party jumping and avoiding cops. It's like a complete 180. Now our chat is just me saying what she's up to, her answering, me saying it's wild, her saying not really and that like it. There's no more connection. It's like after we stopped having school to rant about, or our mutual struggle with college to rant about, our conversations are suddenly empty. I kind of expected it though. I think she latches onto things really quick and changes really quick, and I suppose she's letting go of high school friends too; like Aditi. This all makes me feel so shitty because it's like I'm the only one who can't let go. It's like I've spent 7 generally happy years (in terms of our relationship) with these people and now I'm just supposed to let go? Maybe if I could actually make friends but it's like I can't even do that. I just feel like everything is slowly drifting away.

25 August 2017

Decided to reach out to Pallavi just now after debating for a while. I'm so bad at these things. It seems to have gone well so far, but I'm not really sure how it'll play out. I think we'll be meeting for an event tomorrow, hopefully I leave an okay impression and this situation doesn't turn out to be Swetha 2.0 and I end up crying even more. She definitely seems nice but I'm not sure if she'd want to be my friend or if we'll just end up as acquaintances. Everything is worrying me. I already have a random physics prelecture I need to do before classes start but I'm so stressed that I'm just sitting here trying to pull myself together. I really need things to go well.

Should I be myself? Myself is kind of shady. I can't act like myself with people I don't already know well. Well I can but it's a little much. I don't know. It's like people always act differently in different situations, that's normal, but do I want to be a watered down version of me when trying to find long term friends? Why am I even worrying so much already.

25 August 2017

I never really noticed how much I hate being alone. Not alone per say, but just that feeling of knowing that, even if you wanted to, you wouldn't have anyone to hang out with. Today we had the new student convocation, and yesterday night I asked Swetha about it and she said we should go together because she didn't want to be alone. I wondered about her roommate at this point but didn't really ask about it. Come today, I ask her if she's there, and she says yes but she probably won't be able to find me since the stadium is huge, which I agreed with. She's also with her roommate at this point so I guess she didn't need me anyway. Later after the ceremony is over, there's a huge picnic on the grass and I see everyone sitting with their friends/groups but I don't have anyone to sit with. I messaged Swetha asking her where she is but she doesn't ever reply despite it saying she's active on messenger. So I ended up just sitting kind of with these other two girls but not really because we didn't talk so I was basically just sitting by myself. Then later after walking around and looking at booths because I felt pathetic just sitting on the grass eating alone, I messaged Swetha again giving her a heads up about how the college of engineering (our college) doesn't have a parade today unlike the other colleges. It's only then that she replies to my message with a simple "oh ya". Every time I ask her where she is so I can go meet up with her, she never answers my messages; it's kind of becoming pretty obvious that she doesn't actually want to hang out with me, nor introduce me to her roommate regardless of the many times I've reached out to her about it with her saying something along the lines of "of course!", probably out of courtesy. She also said she'd add me to her group chat but that never happened either. It's never her messaging me, it's always the other way around. It's so exhausting having these one sided messages with someone. I'm not blaming her or anything, you can't really control who you end up wanting to become friends with after all. I think I should just let go and move on to reaching out to someone else.

I'm so tired. I feel like crying. I wish I were better at making friends. I wish people would want to keep talking to me after I talk to them. I'm trying to remember how I made friends before but I can't remember. I wonder if I'm going to become of those depressed college students without a social life. Dhanya already has a group of people from her dorm floor and even went to a frat party and got drunk yesterday night. I really feel so isolated I don't even have a group to follow around. Maybe one day I'll give up caring. I know I should just wait until school actually starts and club day but it's so discouraging seeing everyone else seemingly having a great time with new friends already. I wish I ended up with a roommate so I could at least have a starting point. I wish I didn't feel so alone.

I shouldn't be so surprised. I went through like 10 years of Chinese school, each year with the same exact class of people, without making a single friend. I went through an entire year of Y&G without making a single friend. And I still remember how alone I felt during that year of Y&G meetings and conferences. Now it's like that but everyday for 4 years. I was honestly so shocked when I became friends with Maggie in my third year of Y&G. I don't even remember why we became friends. I don't think many people know that feeling of such deep gratitude for someone just giving you their time of day. It means so much to me because it rarely ever happens.

I think maybe there's something wrong with me that I have so much trouble making friends yet I care so much. Writing this all out, I'm crying alone in my room again. I feel so pathetic. I wish I were more like Dhanya who just changes herself to get what she wants and not be left behind. I wish I were more like Aditi who projects self confidence and loves to party. I wish I were no longer myself; at this point I don't think I would want to be friends with me either.

I don't think I'm smart enough to be alone. I feel like I'd need to form a study group with people. I'm not that lonely genius.

I should stop wishing and start doing.

17 August 2017

I've been hanging out with Liz and Olivia a lot this week and it's made me pretty happy. I had thought Olivia was annoyed with me but that's probably because I didn't take the initiative to have conversations with her so it felt like I wasn't really interacting with her at all. So basically it's just my imagination as usual LOL.

Well I was pretty happy until just now when my mom is again making me want to die. Like what is up with her and her kitchen it's like no one but us can use it. Calm down it's just a kitchen. She has the gall to pull this bullshit on me and then continue talking casually to me about her past as if I'll give a shit after she just yelled at me and pissed me off. I'm honestly so in shock at how unreasonable she is. Then again, should I really be shocked anymore given that this issue has been a constant annoyance in my life.

10 August 2017

Sometimes I feel like I'm such an unhelpful person. Like when Olivia chats me about stuff and I feel like I should be helpful and supportive I'm always super stumped on what to say. And now I'm randomly afraid she dislikes me because I'm so useless at making helpful and interesting conversation. I don't know, I'm always scared of saying the wrong things to her all the time. I feel like she has such deep viewpoints on things and I'm just an ignorant blob who doesn't know how to do anything. Biggest sigh I'm such a tragedy.

8 August 2017

Yeah so I'm inexplicably sad again at 2 AM. You know, the usual. I just realized that my previous post was literally about this exact same thing haha. The post was even made at 3 AM, an hour later but pretty much the same idea and even about the same person, though I can't remember why anymore since the post ended up devolving into me ranting about anime. In conclusion, I seem to always get sad about interpersonal relationships at ungodly hours in the night. Also I'm really slow at typing with these nails and this new keyboard.

Anyway, I'm sad because I'm afraid someone may be annoyed with me because I may have spoiled them on a character death. More specifically, I posted a story on Instagram about Gin's death from Bleach and how I was sad about it but then I saw Rachael saw it and had this vague flashback to when I was discussing Gin with Olive at some point and Rachael was like no spoilers! But I'm not even sure if this actually happened because it's such a vague vision that happened in my head? So I ended up deleting the story before more people could potentially get spoiled though I'm pretty sure everyone who follows me either doesn't give a shit (more likely) or already knows. So it's funny that the one person that I suspect would be the most likely to not know/not want to know and care is also the only person to have seen the story before I deleted it.

Basically I'm afraid that she's annoyed I posted this story that may or may not have spoiled her on this character death. It's all pretty ridiculous honestly. But if you know me, you know that I get anxious over the smallest things when it comes to possibly upsetting other people. Like I'm so scared of people disliking me because of something I've done and it's really frustrating at times. I don't really get that upset about people disliking me for reasons that aren't my fault and simply born out of their own judgement because that's their problem but when I start to think it's actually something I did my emotions get a little out of hand.

I read into the littlest things and go on a huge sad tangent in my brain and it scares me because I realize that's what my mom always does except instead of realizing that she's probably overthinking it, she blames everyone else, thinking she's always the victim. I'm afraid that one day I'll stop being able to recognize that it's probably nothing and become like my mom.

Yeah I don't know why out of all the people I know, it's always Rachael who makes me feel these weird sad episodes. Like there's definitely nothing wrong with her, it's me, but WHY IS MY SAD BRAIN AREA SO FIXATED ON HER. She hasn't done anything to make me feel bad, in fact she's always really nice to me, so I'm just??? I guess maybe because I'm afraid of disappointing her since she's always so nice. I feel like I have to live up to what she thinks of me so somehow little mistakes I make feel like a huge disaster.

On one hand I know his death has been a thing for 8 years already, but on the other hand I understand that just because something has existed for 8 years, doesn't mean you still can't be spoiled about it. Like I'll readily admit I probably know nothing of significance about Sailor Moon even though it's hella old. So yeah I need to be more careful. This is why I want an actual spam account. But then again what's the point of ranting to myself about spoilery topics on a spam account that would have to have 0 followers when I can just rant about it in my head. Because if I make a spam account and have my usual spam account friends follow it, then there's literally no point because I can't post spoilers there either. So who do I cry to? Liz? But Liz doesn't even like Gin that much so it's just me dying forever in my own tragedy as usual.

31 July 2017

Getting that sudden feeling again where I feel like some of the people who I thought liked me don't actually like me. I mean this isn't the case with people who I'm close friends with, just like the random (well I wouldn't call them random) people that I'm kind of friends with as an association? Like between just classmate and actual close friend? When I think about it rationally, I doubt they have any real strong opinion about me because we simply don't interact enough, but also I feel like I annoy them so it's like AAHHH. Screaming forever. I kind of want to make an ACTUAL spam account because now my public account has actual people following me that I don't really want to bless with my grand notions of some manga I'm crying about.

On that note, it's 3 AM and I'm supposed to be awake by 7 AM to go hiking but instead I'm watching Today I Found Out videos on YouTube and crying about Saiyuki. Man it sucks to be the only person out of all your friends to like something so I'm just sitting here in eternal pain. Like I could rant to somebody about it, but that basically guarantees they won't read/watch it in the future because spoilers so they won't get that same impact I felt. Then again, I don't think any of my friends would consider reading it in the first place because it's kinda niche? Like people who like it really like it but not a super big amount of people like it. And it's kind of hard to start because it isn't exactly big death until you're already neck deep invested. I would say it's not unlike Gintama in that way (but that's probably where the similarities stop). Saiyuki is a violent very very loose adaptation of the Journey to the West that seems to just be a band of hot people traveling and fighting youkai along the way, you know, your typical stint but also of course everyone has tragic backstories but not only their own tragic backstory they technically have TWO tragic backstories because they're the reincarnations of people who lived in heaven but shit went down and everything is depressing but also funny. But none of this depth is really gleaned in the first few chapters and the anime has sooo much filler/changed stories so I feel like most people would stop pretty soon after starting or wouldn't even know where to start. Hell, I probably would stop too. The only likely reason I got into it was because my oldest sister would watch it on TV when I was young (it's a pretty sketchy show no wonder I ended up like this). So I already had that connection and vague ingrained-into-my-mind-because-i-was-young kind of attachment to the characters. This, and Cardcaptor Sakura. Very different shows. You could say it was like I was brainwashed. Not sure how this ended up being a discussion about Saiyuki in the first place. I thought I was sad but now I don't give as many shits as I did 20 minutes ago.

Okay I think I should go to sleep now so I don't have to grace Shuge with my even-deader-than-I-would-normally-be self on our hike. Yet why do I get the feeling I'll end up not sleeping until I realize it's already time for me to be getting out of bed.

2 June 2017

There's a girl I met this year that I hate. Do I hate her? Strongly dislike? I don't know anymore.

To this day, I feel there has been no other person that makes me feel such negativity, yet she is not the "meanest" person I've met. More like the most pseudo intellectual yet pretentious and easily offended mess?

In the beginning of the movie project, I thought I was okay with her. I told her as much. During the week I was having issues with Aditi due to the whole Alicia debacle, she decided to message Aditi separately AGAIN this long ass message as usual to pass on the message to us. This of course pissed off Aditi more, like if you have this problem why don't you just ask me instead of instigating an already ongoing issue. So during lunch, I was like okay I used to be like wtf is your deal but now I've decided there are admiral qualities about how hard you work. But as time went on, that quality of hard work slowly devolved into something of a God complex.

In class, she takes the paper from her group mates and insists on only writing down her long points that span the entire page, ignoring the words of others. She believes our literature teacher this year is wrong for not giving her A's on all her essays, saying that clearly Jariwala is grading for the idea and not actually the quality of the writing. I find it so presumptuous and stagnant to believe that you've already reached such greatness that you no longer need to heed the words or critic of an instructor.

When we all said we should write the script together, especially since she was, quote, "pulling her hair out", she insisted (with her usual long, passive aggressive series of messages) that it has to be just her or else the story wouldn't flow. Alicia had actually already written parts of the script as well, and Gauri literally didn't use any of it. She didn't consult us at all in regards to the story's details. She went to talk to Jariwala all the time by herself, and whenever Dhanya asks her what Jariwala said, she just says, "nothing". Like you've met her upwards of 10 times I doubt that's nothing. After this radio silence, she suddenly pulls out a 28 page script (x2) and asks us what we think? I should've just told her the truth then and said it was the most boring thing I've read in my entire existence; but alas I can't imagine how well that would've gone over, seeing her "emotional connection" to her writing and her belief that her writing is so incredible even Jariwala can't judge it.

Her film log was crazy long but she spent the first 2/3rds of it explaining the history of color in film instead of arguing her point. Like I could've figured out the history of color from Wikipedia, what's your point about the film?? Of course she doesn't see that and gets upset at Jariwala for not giving her the grade she wanted. I don't know what she'll do in college. Maybe I would've told her if I gave more shits about her. Like if she even tried to be my friend. Maybe you could say I'm not indifferent to her, since I'm writing this blog post, but I don't think I'm close enough with her to say something like that without it being incredibly uncomfortable. What I don't understand is why she's texted Aditi numerous times that she doesn't think she'll be coming back to sit with us anymore, yet she comes back anyway. If you don't enjoy our company, as you seem to make so clear, then why???

Once when we made plans to go somewhere to eat afterschool, we invited Gauri too, and later she texts Aditi saying she's offended that we invited her so last minute like an afterthought. This is just baffling to me because we had literally made the plan 10 minutes ago. We always do that and she was there as we formed the plan so I mean I guess we were all invited last minute? Keep in mind I didn't know any of this until a bit later because she would always just run to Aditi with these long messages about how she's upset.

She is constantly reading. Now that sounds like a good thing, but as learned from Pokemon's Professor Oak, "there's a time and place for everything, but not now." Whenever we are out having fun together, whether it be at the mall, at a restaurant, getting boba, she never (never) makes an effort to make conversation and instead sits as far away as possible and pulls out her book. I swear she's been reading the same page of that same book for forever; I'm no longer sure if she's even reading it anymore. Fittingly, that book is called The Never Ending Story. I don't understand why she gets scathingly upset when we don't invite her to things because whenever we do invite her, which turned out to be always ever since the incident of Aditi's house party, she always looks bored and starts reading her book. When Aditi was introducing Laura to us and we went to the mall, Laura almost fainted when she saw Gauri open that book and then that got Aditi pissed because she felt like we were leaving a bad impression on Laura as if all her friends are antisocial people.

One could say I didn't try. Maybe I didn't try hard enough. But I wonder the merit of trying so hard for someone that you don't yet have any care or connection to AND who doesn't meet you halfway, or even a quarter of the way, when you try to talk to them. On the bus to senior ball, I tried talking to her about the book she was reading, which she put away for once since she gets dizzy reading on the bus, but literally it was like talking to a brick wall. She didn't even turn to look at me and didn't say any words besides yeah and mhm while staring straight forward, as if willing the conversation to end. Now okay, I could understand if this was the first or second time I've ever spoken to her, but this has been going on for semester and a half. I'm done.

Whenever we sit down at lunch, she sits like 4 feet away from us looking super awkward in the corner. So I always ask her, hey do you want to come closer, which she proceeds to do by moving over one inch. Okay. Dhanya always asks her whats been going on, and every time (EVERY TIME WITH NO EXCEPTION), she says "nothing much" and then pulls out her book.

At senior ball, I asked her three times (count, 1 2 3) if she wanted to come into the photo booth with me to take photos, to which she obviously declines three times. Why did you follow me and Dhanya around everywhere when you literally didn't want to do anything. At first she asked if we could go to the side lobby rooms (no music and brighter) but there were no chairs open so we went back to the dance floor. Then, as usual, she pulled out her book, but she couldn't read because it was too dark and kept visibly covering her ears because the music was too loud. I felt bad so I was like why don't we check again if there are any seats open so we ended up staying on a couch for the rest of senior ball. I literally couldn't do anything that night, or ever, without her following me like a silent shadow, making me feel bad for not interacting with her. Yet whenever I try, I get no real interaction or reaction in return and it's just empty. I just can't take it anymore. Maybe someone else could do better but I really am not that person.

I hate her because she makes me hate how I act. I feel like a bully and a fake. I pretend I'm okay with her, because I was, but then eventually I wasn't. So what do I say now. She told us that she doesn't really have any friends because people think she's pretentious. And I can't help but think, really? You act like the end all be all of literature, and you can't see why other's think you're pretentious? There's another girl called Angeline that I dislike because she is extremely showoffy in all her classes (ie Japanese and Government for me), but the difference is that I acknowledge that she is actually an extremely "smart" person that knows what she's talking about. Not to mention she actually interacts with people. Whenever I listen to Gauri talk, it's like she's oozing pseudo intellectualism. She's trying so hard to sound smart with all her art references, edgy indie films, etc. yet at the end there's no point. I'm not trying to judge people on the classes they take, but she literally dropped Physics, Calc, and all her other classes this year except for Lit and this engineering elective that she readily admits they do nothing in. And she's going into aerospace engineering. I know people go into majors all the time with no experience, but I honestly would've thought she'd want to do Literature. She's never shown any interest in aerospace engineering, but maybe I just don't know shit since she never says shit. I'm not trying to knock her for dropping almost all her classes, like Aditi is only taking a few classes at school this year too, but I just get so ticked off when she acts as though I'm a dumbass just because I don't read as many "intellectual" books or watch as many "respectable" films as her. Like just because you're always reading out in the open, doesn't mean I've never read a book in my life. I can't imagine what she's thinking whenever I mention fanfiction with Dhanya. When I tried talking about the novel I was reading with her on the bus, she completely didn't give any shits as usual, or even pretend to give any shits. Like whenever Aditi talks about EXO or Dhanya talks about Harry Potter, half the time I have no idea what they're talking about but I enjoy the conversation or try to enjoy it, but with this girl I never get any positive reaction from her, or any reaction at all, and it's honestly tragic and draining. Yes, she has anxiety, but at this point she's letting it define her, and maybe I'm wrong for doing so, but I've given up trying to have anything to do with her. I've never had so much trouble with one single person in my life.

I want senior all night party to be fun whether she thinks it's a "bummer" or not.

12 April 2017

I'm visiting tomorrow and I'm kind of nervous. I'm also kind of annoyed that I have to spend the last 4 days of my break in Illinois. I'm​ already having premonitions of having no friends at college. And my roommate hating me. I wish I could stop.

19 March 2017

I am so relieved right now. The situation has been resolved after what feels like forever. I mean, it's only been a week, but it felt like eons. My heart was literally hurting all the time, like my chest was being sucked into a black hole in my heart. Especially today, as the time got closer and closer to 6 pm. I was so nervous and afraid of what was going to happen. In the end, it wasn't anything crazy. We were able to clear up the way we felt about the situation and we got over it rather quick. Now that it's all in hindsight, I definitely feel like we were all just blowing it out of proportion (my 550000 blog posts haha). I went back and reread them and you can literally see the stages I went through. From guilt to sadness to anger to sadness back to anger to calm and defeat. It really was a dramatic roller coaster ride. We spent a good while talking at Quickly about stupid stuff and then went to Karaoke.

Honestly I would have been shocked if it didn't go well. We've been what I see as close friends for so long that I would have been devastated if something like this broke our friendship. Yet despite this, I was still nervous because there was always that thought in the back of my mind of 'what if what if what if'. I constantly imagined the worst outcome possible, but I'm just glad it's all over now.

Thank god it's all over.

This week was a disaster but I think it's finally starting to look up again.

17 March 2017

I have reread what she replied to me the other day. She said she doesn't hate me she hates herself. I do not doubt what she said. I don't doubt that she doesn't hate me. She said she wants us to just act normally at school or else it'll just make it worse for her. I mean I tried. But you shut down on Thursday, which I don't really blame you for because it's not your fault that you didn't feel like speaking with me. So, again, I guess I'm still upset because despite saying it's your problem to deal with, it clearly isn't since you are still so upset.

A thing with Gauri happened today as well. She messaged Aditi about relaying an apology about being so hard-headed about the movie project. So she relayed the message to me and Dhanya and said that she doesn't want to be making excuses for us and we need to figure it out. At this point I was seeing white and feeling dizzy. This was in the middle of a dumb nutrition presentation during Dance. First because Aditi seemed so passive aggressive about it. Second because it came so out of the blue because nothing that week even involved Gauri so at first I was annoyed as to why she was out there making the situation with Aditi even worse. But then I decided maybe it was because of the bad aura and mood I've been projecting the entire week due to the situation with Aditi that she felt like I was mad at her. So I told Aditi I would just tell Gauri my thought process on the situation during lunch and clarify. So during lunch I told Gauri honestly how frustrated with her I was at first, but that now I'm fine. And after I had a conversation about why I was in such a bad mood this entire week, and that it wasn't because of her, I felt like the annoyance I had for her dissipated. The main problem I had was that it felt like she was not aware of how her overreaction to the whole movie project was stressing me out. But now that it's clear that she does know and I've talked to her about my frustration and we came to an understanding about the situation, it's so much better. I'm glad Dhanya wasn't there for the first part because I started crying halfway through because it's like all the emotion that had been building for the entire week just overflowed.

As much as I rant to Dhanya about school and Physics and whatever, I feel like I could never rant to her about something that would make me cry because she seems like such a non emotional person. I don't blame her for it, she's just different from how I think. I am very chill about school and grades while she is out there wilding, which is nothing that I hold against her. On the other hand, I get so caught up with human relations, but she never really feels as much as I do about it.

Then close to after school, Aditi messaged me and Dhanya that we should meet tomorrow (Saturday) to talk. I was honestly relieved because I felt like I needed to explain my side as well as more adequately understand her side. I'm not exactly sure what I should do though because Dhanya keeps telling me that I should just stay silent and let Aditi yell at us and get over it. I'm having trouble thinking that that's the right way to go because I feel like that's such a fake thing to do. At this point I feel like it would be the most beneficial to make the situation completely crystal clear as to prevent any misunderstandings in the future. She said she'll just show up and listen, but is it really listening if the whole time you're just waiting for the other person to "get over it" while you do nothing? I feel like it's unfair to both me and Aditi if I don't tell her my side and my emotions on the matter because then what really is this entire friendship built on? Lies and pretenses of understanding? Maybe I'll try to talk to her more if Dhanya leaves early. Or if she doesn't I'll just say it regardless if I feel it's appropriate.

13 March 2017

So she's finally replied:
"hmm.. its just that idk if yall realize this but 95% pf the time i think you guys hate me and sooo having you guys bring my tormentor there really felt like a personal attack saying that yall really dont care no matter how much i tell you that she makes me uncomfortable"

"frankly its whatever dont worry about it i need to get over it myself"

I guess I'm kind of shocked? Even though I also sometimes feel like some people I know actually hate me, I've never felt that way with Aditi. So I never thought she would feel that way about me. Wow I feel like I've failed. Like I'm that bad of a friend that she thinks I hate her 95% of the time.

I guess I thought I'd feel better after she replied but I still feel pretty bad.

What did I really expect.

I've mostly calmed down now though. Lol looking back at my past two entries I was so pissed. Confusion and uncertainty really gets to me.

Reply part two:
"my anxiety makes me think that way....thats why i never come to school lol i literally believe that everyone hates me its not just you guys... like i told this to chungmin the other day and when she told me she didnt hate me i was literally shook like it had never even occurred to me that that yall dont hate me lmao. i don't hate you i hate myself and i am so clingy and annoying i feel like i like you guys too much and no one really likes me so these things hurt a lot more than they should so . yeah thats how my anxiety works essentially"

"you don't have to over think it its just something that happens... i'm surprised it hasnt happened before in front of you guys. you dont need to over think it, frankly the whole ~alicia situation~ is the only thing that i need yall to accommodate me for. i can handle the rest so just please don't worry about it or be awkward because that'll make it worse for me"

I think I understand more now. I kind of feel like some of what I wrote in my previous entries are moot, but I think I should just keep it as a record of my thoughts.

13 March 2017

I just woke up from a nap and now I'm even more upset than before. I can't stop thinking about it because she ISN'T REPLYING, WHAT DID I EXPECT so I'm stuck in this limbo of confusion and uncertainty. I already knew she probably wouldn't reply because she's just that type of person and when she's pissed she ignores you, but I still feel like shit. I hate when people act as though they can say something so hurtful and then leave it hanging. Maybe your other friends don't care that much when you ignore them but I wallow. You know I wallow because this has happened before with someone else and I literally spent months feeling shitty about it and telling you how shitty I felt about it. You know how much that affected me so I can't. I'm just sad because I feel like I don't know why she's so pissed. She said she wouldn't have expected something so low from us, but what did she really expect. Honestly. It's a fucking project. We didn't just invite her to sit with us because we had a fucking tea party. Sorry for not having the foresight to warn you, but please don't accuse me of stooping low "aha" to hurt you because I don't think you understand how much my friendships mean to me and the effect of your words. You might say, clearly my friendships don't mean that much if I wasn't caring enough to realize you would panic from seeing Alicia, but again, I think I can care without spending my entire life thinking about every action I do and if it will trigger your anxiety. We literally just had a conversation the other day about Gauri and how she lets her anxiety define her, but now I feel like that's what you're doing. The least you could do is reply after sending such presumed and unfounded words.

She said on twitter that she's told us multiple times that Alicia makes her uncomfortable so how could we do that to her. Again, I'm sorry. It's not like we invited her over just to have a friendly chat, it's just work. People actually do that. I don't know why she's doing this. I'm sorry I didn't have the foresight to see that being uncomfortable with someone equates to having a complete breakdown.

I love how her only reply is to Chung Min about how it's not her fault.

I love how just because it seems like I don't have problems or anything to worry about, she thinks this is okay. I do actually think about other things besides Aditi's Anxiety TM.

I love how she says she "knows" we don't really care about her anxiety but that what we did today is "realllly" low. Like fuck off with that bullshit. Have all my actions throughout our friendship really insinuated that I don't care about you? Forget caring about your anxiety. Caring about you is caring about everything about you. So has everything I've done really shown that I don't care about you? Do you want me to treat you like I have to walk on eggshells at every turn? I can, but I really thought we were past that. I really thought everything I've done and everything you've done would have meant something more than this.

I love how she's still on twitter retweeting shit and talking about how she wants to play the sims and cry yet she can't fucking take the time to reply to a situation she blew up about.

The world doesn't revolve around you. Other people actually have feelings. Don't say something unless you intend to follow through. Don't fucking tell me you're upset if you don't want to bother hearing me out.

God what am I really apologizing for if she clearly doesn't give a shit.

23 February 2017

I just went on a photoshoot for Olivia today for her Valentine Umi and I just feel so unsatisfied with the majority of the photos I took. They feel so boring. I look at the photos these other photographers take and I'm always so impressed by how interesting they look and the amazing techniques/composition. I've looked at my photos so many times that they all feel the same. The only few that I like are from literally trying to replicate the angle of a photo someone else took. I think I'm going to start looking into editing techniques and learning how to edit my photos to make them more interesting.

Another thing I don't understand is why I can't be more sure about myself. Olivia asked me today if I had any ideas for what we could do, and I literally had none. I guess I'm afraid they'll end up dumb? Honestly they probably will, but if I don't at least try then I'll never know. I have no sense of composition. I don't feel comfortable posing people either. I think I'm afraid of offending them. Like "do this because right now you look unattractive". I mean I could probably do without the unattractive part so I think I'm just afraid of making them look even more unattractive. Or if I tell them to give me a better smile, I'm basically telling them their smile is ugly. I get that you'd like to know that, but people have different opinions on what kind of smile looks pretty. Real smiles are always the prettiest because they reach the eyes, but that's a different story. For example, Olivia (lol always Olivia) once told me that she found Liz's selfie smile to be creepy sometimes, but I think it looks fine, so there's that. Also, people seem to want to stand right up against a wall for photos. Like I need more background subject isolation. All around I'm just unsatisfied and bored.

Valentine Umi

19 February 2017

Even though I made friends this year of Y&G, in some ways I feel worse than last year. Last year I knew nobody cared about me here, so it was normalized. But now I kind of have an expectation for people to care about me. Maybe I'm too needy, but it feels like they only talk to me in order to share all their problems, but they never really listen in the rare event I want to share my problems. It's really frustrating when all I do is listen to people complain, which I'm generally fine with, but when for once I feel bad about something and share it, it's basically swept under the rug. We laugh at dumb jokes, but I feel so fake because a lot times I don't even think anything is funny. My face could be completely straight but I laugh because I don't want them to think I dislike them. I guess I want to be included like most people.

In three years not once has an adviser ever come to watch me speak in the Senate or Assembly. It really feels shitty, especially when they ask you to tell them when you're going to speak, but when you do, they never come. I know they probably think watching the other program areas are more fun because it's more fast paced and argumentative with them having written proposals and delivering a rhetorical speech to try and get it passed, but I'm disappointed because I put in work to write my reports as well. I did research and everything yet it constantly feels like my program area is deemed not as interesting or boring to watch just because it's all fact. It kills me because they've literally gone to watch every other person in my delegation speak except for me (throughout three years!) and I think that's why I was so especially jaded about missing my report yesterday. Not only was it because I was so proud of that report, but also because that was the last chance anyone had of watching me give a report on something I'm proud of, and I missed it. I'm a senior. Three years and it's as if nothing's changed. I feel like my first year was honestly the happiest. I felt like people cared, and I had so much fun. Now that I'm at the end of the conference, I'm just despondent and tired. I don't want to do anything but go home.

It's not that it was completely horrible, it was definitely fun at times, but it's been feeling low ever since the dumb thing that happened yesterday night. I want to forget about it, but for some reason it just keeps weighing on my mind.

Also I had a really bad 18th birthday. Most of this delegation doesn't give a shit about me, yet I have to spend all my time with them on my birthday. It was just a normal generally annoying day. Not like a birthday at all. One could argue what's so special about birthdays anyway, but it just feels special. Especially since I'm 18 now.

8 February 2017

I wonder if it's a parent's job to make you feel like you're nothing. I know I'm not pretty already, I know, do you really think I don't. I'm glad you don't think I'm pretty either.

I'm crying so much right now.

She asks why we all ended up the same, locking our doors at her. She asks why I don't ever learn the good parts of others and only copy the bad parts. I never lock my door. I never do it unless I'm mad, so don't give me that bullshit. Why do you never praise me for doing something right. You wait for me to do something wrong to tell me I only ever copy bad things from people. Maybe we all ended up the same because we were all raised by you. Why wouldn't I try to avoid someone who makes me feel like shit. That'd be crazy, not that you'd know.

Keep it together.

She says she's only saying this because she's my mom and no one else will say it. I don't need someone to tell me something I tell myself everyday. I'm only telling you you're crazy because no one else will say it. You don't take that too well. Blood relation isn't an excuse to be a shitty person.

Stop banging on my door. Stop blaming my friends. Just stop.

I wish I could be a dog; all dogs are cute.

4 February 2017

A few minutes ago I went on Instagram and felt a sudden wave of dread and loneliness. I started wondering if this particular girl, Rachael, actually doesn't like me. I doubt she has any real opinion of me, but I just wondered anyway. I shouldn't feel this way because I literally spent this entire day with friends. First with Shuge and Elizabeth at HeChaa. Then with Aditi and Dhanya at her house. I laughed a lot today. More than usual. Loud laughter that makes my face scrunch up into weird shapes. Instagram is filled with so many friends, but in a way I think I need to be careful. It's easy for me to start wondering who cares and who doesn't. I wonder if I'm a bother.

The downside to making my Instagram public is that I feel obliged to follow people I know back. I kind of want to tell them that I don't want them to follow me because I feel like I'd be a bother to them since I post so much random spam. It's almost (it is) holding me back from just posting what I want and my thoughts. Yet by making my account public, when they follow me, they already know what they're getting into since they can see my posts, so should I really feel bad? Just now I posted two consecutive posts about the new Fire Emblem mobile game, and I silently apologized and cringed as I did it because I imagined how it could be annoying to regular people out there. In reality I know they probably don't care, but it makes me nervous anyway.

I get nervous easily. I usually stay calm around people I know well, but I am nervous with anything involving strangers/people I'm not close with. I mean outwardly I'm calm because I'm afraid of betraying any emotion to unfamiliar people, but my heart is actually pounding like crazy. Whenever someone asks me to do anything that requires interacting with random people, I want to refuse, but I don't because then I'd feel bad. I don't want to seem like I'm afraid of everything but I am. I want to say I'm not like you but I don't. I know I need to become more comfortable with people in order to progress with my life.

I don't often feel these waves of anxiety, especially in comparison to a lot of my friends. I think I'm a generally happy, relatively stress-free person. Maybe it's because I try to put it off and escape it until it's over. Whenever there's a test, I routinely tell Dhanya that I will simply allow fate to guide me to the holy land, which in many cases is true. But for the Physics test today, I actually studied on Thursday because she had motivated me. It's also probably because I actually kind of knew how to do things. I remember last semester I had tried studying as well, but it was just so discouraging because I would stare at a problem for too many minutes not having a clue how to solve it. Not a shred of any idea. So I would give up.

Last week, when Chung Min was at my house after going to get tea, she asked me how I deal with my stress because I never seem stressed out. I paused to think, but I didn't really know the answer. After debating for a bit, I told her the time when I probably felt the most stressed. I told her about the time in middle school when my mom came into my room, slammed herself into the floor, and started crying, asking me why none of us love her. Chung Min told me that maybe nothing after that was stressful in comparison. I don't think that's true. I think I just tend to run away.

I didn't say anything and just called my dad. I remember feeling hot and my heart beating fast, but I wonder now how much I really cared. I remember coming home to weeks of my mom sitting in the dining room with the TV off and smiling a smile that wasn't really a smile. Talking in a uncomfortably high and soft voice. Randomly hugging me. Staring off into space with a strange look on her face. Constantly pacing back and forth, slapping the sides of her body with her arms. Only one light in the entire house was on. Usually the TV is never off; the house is never so silent. I remember seeing a bowl of completely over mushed 番茄炒蛋. It was like soup. I asked her what happened and she smiled and said she's been absent minded. I don't know why I felt so scared. There was nothing but that bowl of mushy egg and tomato, a dim light on, and her. I wonder what she was doing the whole day in silence while I was out. She would routinely talk about things from the past, paranoia. When asked who told her these things, she said the voices inside her head that don't stop. The voice told her to delete a bunch of photos of us from the computer. Months of this culminated to the situation in my room. My dad took her back to Taiwan for a few weeks to see a doctor and relatives. I remember walking home from Lawson. I don't remember what I was thinking at the time. Maybe I wasn't thinking of anything. I remember a conversation I had with my sister, Grace, about how I just wished everything would go back to the way it used to be when she would just yell at us about things. No weird hugs. No weird smile. No voice trying too hard to be loving and caring. Just normal.

She's definitely better now, but she is often still paranoid and stuck in the past. She and my dad fight a lot. A lot of times I feel bad for my dad, but sometimes I feel bad for my mom.

Today is just one of those days.