8 August 2017

Yeah so I'm inexplicably sad again at 2 AM. You know, the usual. I just realized that my previous post was literally about this exact same thing haha. The post was even made at 3 AM, an hour later but pretty much the same idea and even about the same person, though I can't remember why anymore since the post ended up devolving into me ranting about anime. In conclusion, I seem to always get sad about interpersonal relationships at ungodly hours in the night. Also I'm really slow at typing with these nails and this new keyboard.

Anyway, I'm sad because I'm afraid someone may be annoyed with me because I may have spoiled them on a character death. More specifically, I posted a story on Instagram about Gin's death from Bleach and how I was sad about it but then I saw Rachael saw it and had this vague flashback to when I was discussing Gin with Olive at some point and Rachael was like no spoilers! But I'm not even sure if this actually happened because it's such a vague vision that happened in my head? So I ended up deleting the story before more people could potentially get spoiled though I'm pretty sure everyone who follows me either doesn't give a shit (more likely) or already knows. So it's funny that the one person that I suspect would be the most likely to not know/not want to know and care is also the only person to have seen the story before I deleted it.

Basically I'm afraid that she's annoyed I posted this story that may or may not have spoiled her on this character death. It's all pretty ridiculous honestly. But if you know me, you know that I get anxious over the smallest things when it comes to possibly upsetting other people. Like I'm so scared of people disliking me because of something I've done and it's really frustrating at times. I don't really get that upset about people disliking me for reasons that aren't my fault and simply born out of their own judgement because that's their problem but when I start to think it's actually something I did my emotions get a little out of hand.

I read into the littlest things and go on a huge sad tangent in my brain and it scares me because I realize that's what my mom always does except instead of realizing that she's probably overthinking it, she blames everyone else, thinking she's always the victim. I'm afraid that one day I'll stop being able to recognize that it's probably nothing and become like my mom.

Yeah I don't know why out of all the people I know, it's always Rachael who makes me feel these weird sad episodes. Like there's definitely nothing wrong with her, it's me, but WHY IS MY SAD BRAIN AREA SO FIXATED ON HER. She hasn't done anything to make me feel bad, in fact she's always really nice to me, so I'm just??? I guess maybe because I'm afraid of disappointing her since she's always so nice. I feel like I have to live up to what she thinks of me so somehow little mistakes I make feel like a huge disaster.

On one hand I know his death has been a thing for 8 years already, but on the other hand I understand that just because something has existed for 8 years, doesn't mean you still can't be spoiled about it. Like I'll readily admit I probably know nothing of significance about Sailor Moon even though it's hella old. So yeah I need to be more careful. This is why I want an actual spam account. But then again what's the point of ranting to myself about spoilery topics on a spam account that would have to have 0 followers when I can just rant about it in my head. Because if I make a spam account and have my usual spam account friends follow it, then there's literally no point because I can't post spoilers there either. So who do I cry to? Liz? But Liz doesn't even like Gin that much so it's just me dying forever in my own tragedy as usual.