23 August 2017

It's really true when they say you don't know what you have until you lose it.

I feel so lonely right now. Even as I told myself just yesterday that I was glad I'm leaving, that was the me who was still sitting in the comfort of my home of 18 years.

I'm sitting alone crying in this unfamiliar room with a bed that's too squeaky and a silence that's too silent. And I wonder to myself if I really should've just gone to SJSU. But I can't change that now. I tell myself it's good to have this experience of being far away and being more independent, but now I doubt myself and think, maybe I'm not cut out for it. I always knew I was the most dependent child unlike Grace or even Amy.

At dinner suddenly everyone had their own group to sit with already and I'm baffled as to when this happened. When did everyone become friends and leave me behind. Their families are just a few hours away. I've never felt more lonely in my life I feel like I might die. I can't fall asleep my stomach keeps turning.

As I watched my mom and dad get further and further away I kept a neutral face but inside I felt so much uncertainty and fear that everything would end in a grand tragedy. Even my mom, who I claim to hate but not hate causes me the most pain when I watch her face as she continues waving goodbye and I wave back. All this responsibility suddenly poured on me feels too heavy. All the classes I can't fail. I need someone here to talk to me and make this silence less silent. Not just messages but a person in real life in front of me I can touch and see the smile of.

My mom is messaging me now and suddenly I wish she were still here to drive me crazy. I wish I were stronger but I'm weak. I wonder if Grace ever felt this way or if it's just me.