25 August 2017

I never really noticed how much I hate being alone. Not alone per say, but just that feeling of knowing that, even if you wanted to, you wouldn't have anyone to hang out with. Today we had the new student convocation, and yesterday night I asked Swetha about it and she said we should go together because she didn't want to be alone. I wondered about her roommate at this point but didn't really ask about it. Come today, I ask her if she's there, and she says yes but she probably won't be able to find me since the stadium is huge, which I agreed with. She's also with her roommate at this point so I guess she didn't need me anyway. Later after the ceremony is over, there's a huge picnic on the grass and I see everyone sitting with their friends/groups but I don't have anyone to sit with. I messaged Swetha asking her where she is but she doesn't ever reply despite it saying she's active on messenger. So I ended up just sitting kind of with these other two girls but not really because we didn't talk so I was basically just sitting by myself. Then later after walking around and looking at booths because I felt pathetic just sitting on the grass eating alone, I messaged Swetha again giving her a heads up about how the college of engineering (our college) doesn't have a parade today unlike the other colleges. It's only then that she replies to my message with a simple "oh ya". Every time I ask her where she is so I can go meet up with her, she never answers my messages; it's kind of becoming pretty obvious that she doesn't actually want to hang out with me, nor introduce me to her roommate regardless of the many times I've reached out to her about it with her saying something along the lines of "of course!", probably out of courtesy. She also said she'd add me to her group chat but that never happened either. It's never her messaging me, it's always the other way around. It's so exhausting having these one sided messages with someone. I'm not blaming her or anything, you can't really control who you end up wanting to become friends with after all. I think I should just let go and move on to reaching out to someone else.

I'm so tired. I feel like crying. I wish I were better at making friends. I wish people would want to keep talking to me after I talk to them. I'm trying to remember how I made friends before but I can't remember. I wonder if I'm going to become of those depressed college students without a social life. Dhanya already has a group of people from her dorm floor and even went to a frat party and got drunk yesterday night. I really feel so isolated I don't even have a group to follow around. Maybe one day I'll give up caring. I know I should just wait until school actually starts and club day but it's so discouraging seeing everyone else seemingly having a great time with new friends already. I wish I ended up with a roommate so I could at least have a starting point. I wish I didn't feel so alone.

I shouldn't be so surprised. I went through like 10 years of Chinese school, each year with the same exact class of people, without making a single friend. I went through an entire year of Y&G without making a single friend. And I still remember how alone I felt during that year of Y&G meetings and conferences. Now it's like that but everyday for 4 years. I was honestly so shocked when I became friends with Maggie in my third year of Y&G. I don't even remember why we became friends. I don't think many people know that feeling of such deep gratitude for someone just giving you their time of day. It means so much to me because it rarely ever happens.

I think maybe there's something wrong with me that I have so much trouble making friends yet I care so much. Writing this all out, I'm crying alone in my room again. I feel so pathetic. I wish I were more like Dhanya who just changes herself to get what she wants and not be left behind. I wish I were more like Aditi who projects self confidence and loves to party. I wish I were no longer myself; at this point I don't think I would want to be friends with me either.

I don't think I'm smart enough to be alone. I feel like I'd need to form a study group with people. I'm not that lonely genius.

I should stop wishing and start doing.