25 August 2017

Once again, I am here, confused. Yesterday night I was feeling pretty down as with all my days here and was messaging Aditi about it. Basically spilled all my tragic feelings to her. Then when I go shower and come back I see messages in our group chat which is chill. And then just now (next day) I checked twitter and see a string of tweets like 3 minutes after I left to shower about how she never wants to talk to her high school friends again because she feels somehow left behind while we're all having fun in college even though she chose her path herself. And then she says she deleted her messenger app so she'd be less likely to message us and she's content with being the friend who just says hi once in a while. I guess I don't know because I literally just spilled to her minutes ago about how much fun I wasn't having so??? I mean I guess Chung min and Dhanya are having fun like Dhanya has a group she goes to frat parties and gets drunk with already. Chung Min is doing fine. I'm the only one here dying because I can't get it together and make friends. And now the person I told my problems to is like lol i never want to talk to you again, which kind of makes me feel a lot worse? She said she definitely wants to come visit me, and I kind of deflected because I didn't want her to spend this money just to come see me and then have to leave, making me feel even worse and more alone than ever. Maybe she was offended by that? WHO KNOWS. Why is it that anytime I have any sort of conversation with her, it makes her feel more depressed, and then I feel more depressed because I care about her but somehow I hurt her without knowing why.

Sigh. Just when I thought things might be turning up, this happens. Why am I even surprised. Maybe I should have just not messaged her yesterday.

I can also already feel Dhanya drifting away in just like two days. Literally on Wednesday we had a relatively long chat about how we aren't cut out for the party life and RUSHing etc. and like today she's already frat party jumping and avoiding cops. It's like a complete 180. Now our chat is just me saying what she's up to, her answering, me saying it's wild, her saying not really and that like it. There's no more connection. It's like after we stopped having school to rant about, or our mutual struggle with college to rant about, our conversations are suddenly empty. I kind of expected it though. I think she latches onto things really quick and changes really quick, and I suppose she's letting go of high school friends too; like Aditi. This all makes me feel so shitty because it's like I'm the only one who can't let go. It's like I've spent 7 generally happy years (in terms of our relationship) with these people and now I'm just supposed to let go? Maybe if I could actually make friends but it's like I can't even do that. I just feel like everything is slowly drifting away.