19 February 2017

Even though I made friends this year of Y&G, in some ways I feel worse than last year. Last year I knew nobody cared about me here, so it was normalized. But now I kind of have an expectation for people to care about me. Maybe I'm too needy, but it feels like they only talk to me in order to share all their problems, but they never really listen in the rare event I want to share my problems. It's really frustrating when all I do is listen to people complain, which I'm generally fine with, but when for once I feel bad about something and share it, it's basically swept under the rug. We laugh at dumb jokes, but I feel so fake because a lot times I don't even think anything is funny. My face could be completely straight but I laugh because I don't want them to think I dislike them. I guess I want to be included like most people.

In three years not once has an adviser ever come to watch me speak in the Senate or Assembly. It really feels shitty, especially when they ask you to tell them when you're going to speak, but when you do, they never come. I know they probably think watching the other program areas are more fun because it's more fast paced and argumentative with them having written proposals and delivering a rhetorical speech to try and get it passed, but I'm disappointed because I put in work to write my reports as well. I did research and everything yet it constantly feels like my program area is deemed not as interesting or boring to watch just because it's all fact. It kills me because they've literally gone to watch every other person in my delegation speak except for me (throughout three years!) and I think that's why I was so especially jaded about missing my report yesterday. Not only was it because I was so proud of that report, but also because that was the last chance anyone had of watching me give a report on something I'm proud of, and I missed it. I'm a senior. Three years and it's as if nothing's changed. I feel like my first year was honestly the happiest. I felt like people cared, and I had so much fun. Now that I'm at the end of the conference, I'm just despondent and tired. I don't want to do anything but go home.

It's not that it was completely horrible, it was definitely fun at times, but it's been feeling low ever since the dumb thing that happened yesterday night. I want to forget about it, but for some reason it just keeps weighing on my mind.

Also I had a really bad 18th birthday. Most of this delegation doesn't give a shit about me, yet I have to spend all my time with them on my birthday. It was just a normal generally annoying day. Not like a birthday at all. One could argue what's so special about birthdays anyway, but it just feels special. Especially since I'm 18 now.