13 July 2017

More like not going anywhere at all. It's confusing because I hate my mom but I also don't really know because she's my mom. There are moments when I'm like well she's okay, but that's almost always washed away by her random outbursts that cause me so much hatred I just want to throw her out the window (or actually throw myself out the window) and never have her invade my life ever again.

So I'm in Taiwan and I wanna actually go places. You know. Because that's what you do. Going places is what normal people do. Except my mom isn't letting me go anywhere because she's a selfish asshole. And then she says my dad never takes her places. Okay so, you literally said you didn't want to go 5 seconds ago and now you're blaming my dad for not taking you places? Makes perfect sense. And so I say I'll go to Taipei myself (meeting up with Megan) and she says no because it's too dangerous. So I'm like okay you can come then, and she says, what's so fun about Taipei anyway she doesn't want to go. Okay. So do you want to go or not or are you just making up random bullshit. She asks why I want to go to so many places and it's like, why do you think? Look at yourself. You're not letting  me go anywhere so of course I want to go everywhere. She's the one always flaunting that she went to Japan alone when she wasn't even an adult yet. Wow good for you. Thanks for rubbing in my face that even your parents were better than you. It's weird thinking about how my mom used to be a normal person who did normal things and wanted to have fun. What a departure from now. I envy my friends' parents who always take them everywhere to actually do things whereas my mom doesn't want to do anything. Nothing is fun to her. She blames all her problems on living in America yet she's exactly the same in Taiwan. Don't be out here pretending it's not something wrong with your brain. Like I don't give a shit if you don't want to go but don't make me stay behind with your dumbass. Then I say I'll go to Taipei regardless of what she thinks, and my dad is fine with it too, she's the only one being fucking stupid. Don't pretend it's because you care. You literally could come with me but you don't want to do anything. Then she says it's because she still has work to do. We already spent a week going to banks and shit. Even my dad says we don't have to transfer anymore money. BITCH WE LITERALLY STAYED INSIDE DOING NOTHING THESE PAST TWO DAYS. IM NOT EVEN EXAGGERATING. So of course we ask her what work she still has to do, and get this, she says she doesn't know. LMAO. SHE DOESN'T KNOW. YOU THINK I'M KIDDING I'M REALLY NOT. STOP MAKING FAKE EXCUSES WHEN YOU DON'T ACTUALLY HAVE A BRAIN TO MAKE A REAL ARGUMENT. Fucking hell.

She always asks us if we think she's stupid and all I want to say is yes bitch you are fucking stupid. I've never met a dumber, more unreasonable person in my life. None of her arguments make any sense and she's always trying to play the victim. God she's bonkers. Sometimes she even says I should just go to DeAnza so I don't go so far. Nothing against DeAnza but just because you obviously didn't get an actual education doesn't mean I don't want to. Just what the hell, I can't wait to leave. And she wonders why Amy and Grace never want to come back to visit her. Because we don't want to deal with your crazy ass. It's funny because she's so self absorbed she can't even see that it's her own fault. To her, it's always someone else's fault. But actually it's not me it's really you. Maybe I would be more obedient if you were a better parent. Maybe I would actually like you. Maybe I wouldn't feel bad for my dad all the time. Maybe I would be happier. Maybe you would be happier.

I can't believe she had the gall to say we have anger problems when the person who goes batshit insane all the time is herself. Now she says we're all crazy so she's become crazy. More like I'm becoming crazy. I never want to speak to her again. Haha my dad just accidentally left the dividing door open for 5 seconds and my mom SCREAMS at him asking why he left it open. He says it was an accident as if it would be on purpose. AND SHE REPLIES THAT ACTUALLY YES IT WAS ON PURPOSE. Yet another usual exhibition of her belief that the world revolves around her and everything we do is a personal attack against her. Also, calm your angry, crazy ass because nobody is going to suddenly fall at your knees just because you're going around closing doors loudly and opening bags with unecessary vigor. What are you, five? Actually, that would be an insult to five year olds. But she does it so often I've become a pro at ignoring her. Well not ignoring, more like having no outside reaction while my brain feels like thunder. If you were anyone but my mom, I would have punched you in the face long ago. I had said that Gauri was the person who has made me feel the greatest negativity in my life so far but that was a lie. My mom is my biggest source of negativity. But unlike Gauri, I can't just drop her.

Everything I do is to try and appease her. So the fact that none of it is working just pisses me off even more. I messaged her every day when I was in Hawaii, but I think I'm done. Grace rarely ever replies to her and despite how long I've lasted, I want to quit. I want to quit caring but I'm human and she's my mom. Quitting is a privilege I don't have, if not to just help my dad.