5 July 2017

I hate going back to my dad's parent's house. I hate it even more this year because I don't even have Grace with me to make me feel less (or more?) like shit. I walk over and the first thing said is of course about how I'm too fat and, I don't exercise, do I. Also that they don't even recognize me. I'm pretty sure I look the same as last time I visited but okay. I guess relatives are just like this (???) but I've also met relatives that actually talk to me about things that don't solely include my weight. You know, talking to a person (I am actually a person) about subjects outside the orbit of superficial physicality. Like I get enough of this from my parents every time I so much as touch food so I think I'm done. Not to mention there really isn't a need to mention the obvious. I know I'm fat. I see myself in the mirror, you don't have to tell me something I tell myself every day. Sometimes I wonder if there's any point in even having a brain. What's the point of a brain if I can just stand there looking pretty instead of standing there feeling annoyed but smiling as I look past the face of my dad's mother who doesn't even recognize me as she berates me and shakes her head in disapproval. My dad calls me fat all the time too which is annoying but also I think I've given up caring about that since he's my dad. So of course, he doesn't understand why I don't feel like sitting next to these people and having a nice friendly chat. Maybe I'm just an antisocial failure, but maybe respect is earned. Call me disrespectful, that's fine, it's not like they recognize me anyway. Should've just brought Grace, she seems to be the best one. Because she's most like my dad. But funnily she hates dealing with relatives more than me, and she isn't even insulted. I should be more like her, lose weight to spite all these unfortunate people. I should be many things.

I envy the people who have grandparents that actually give a shit. I think my mom's dad was exceptionally loving, but of course he's also dead now. It's all kind of suckish. God, why am I sulking lamely in this car while these people talk for eons about something or the other. I knew I didn't want to come here. Decided to humour my parents. Never a good idea. Can I just go home and listen to my dad then ask me what's wrong with me with a disappointed face (wait no he's already come over and asked me that). To which I replied, I don't want to deal with rude people. Not the most accurate choice of words, but my dad is of course even more disappointed, saying they aren't rude and walking away. Well, it's not like I resent them for speaking the truth, I find old people who are related to you are like that, but that doesn't mean sitting there blankly is something I want to do. We can't always have what we want, but frankly I don't care if it makes someone out there look bad. How do you succinctly say, 'well, you know your mom just told me she didn't recognize me anymore and I'm too fat which, because I'm human, made me feel just a little bad about myself which I feel enough, so no, I would rather not sit in your little circle of relatives that I don't give a shit about and vice versa, sorry'. So sue me, I settled for rude.

I should get over it which I think I'm doing by typing this instead of drowning myself in even more fanfiction like was doing ten minutes ago. I'm just tired. Who needs to have a personality, humor, intelligence, other seemingly important things anyway. Not that im claiming to have any of those things, but I'd like to think I have more of it than people give me credit for just by looking at me. I know judging is everyone's first instinct, but I also know full well it doesn't have to be their last one. I have friends and that's good enough.

Huhh, I'm not even mad anymore, I'm just tired. In my heart I know it's just how they are so in the end it's whatever. And I know she's getting old and forgetting things. I think I'll just be okay.