2 June 2017

There's a girl I met this year that I hate. Do I hate her? Strongly dislike? I don't know anymore.

To this day, I feel there has been no other person that makes me feel such negativity, yet she is not the "meanest" person I've met. More like the most pseudo intellectual yet pretentious and easily offended mess?

In the beginning of the movie project, I thought I was okay with her. I told her as much. During the week I was having issues with Aditi due to the whole Alicia debacle, she decided to message Aditi separately AGAIN this long ass message as usual to pass on the message to us. This of course pissed off Aditi more, like if you have this problem why don't you just ask me instead of instigating an already ongoing issue. So during lunch, I was like okay I used to be like wtf is your deal but now I've decided there are admiral qualities about how hard you work. But as time went on, that quality of hard work slowly devolved into something of a God complex.

In class, she takes the paper from her group mates and insists on only writing down her long points that span the entire page, ignoring the words of others. She believes our literature teacher this year is wrong for not giving her A's on all her essays, saying that clearly Jariwala is grading for the idea and not actually the quality of the writing. I find it so presumptuous and stagnant to believe that you've already reached such greatness that you no longer need to heed the words or critic of an instructor.

When we all said we should write the script together, especially since she was, quote, "pulling her hair out", she insisted (with her usual long, passive aggressive series of messages) that it has to be just her or else the story wouldn't flow. Alicia had actually already written parts of the script as well, and Gauri literally didn't use any of it. She didn't consult us at all in regards to the story's details. She went to talk to Jariwala all the time by herself, and whenever Dhanya asks her what Jariwala said, she just says, "nothing". Like you've met her upwards of 10 times I doubt that's nothing. After this radio silence, she suddenly pulls out a 28 page script (x2) and asks us what we think? I should've just told her the truth then and said it was the most boring thing I've read in my entire existence; but alas I can't imagine how well that would've gone over, seeing her "emotional connection" to her writing and her belief that her writing is so incredible even Jariwala can't judge it.

Her film log was crazy long but she spent the first 2/3rds of it explaining the history of color in film instead of arguing her point. Like I could've figured out the history of color from Wikipedia, what's your point about the film?? Of course she doesn't see that and gets upset at Jariwala for not giving her the grade she wanted. I don't know what she'll do in college. Maybe I would've told her if I gave more shits about her. Like if she even tried to be my friend. Maybe you could say I'm not indifferent to her, since I'm writing this blog post, but I don't think I'm close enough with her to say something like that without it being incredibly uncomfortable. What I don't understand is why she's texted Aditi numerous times that she doesn't think she'll be coming back to sit with us anymore, yet she comes back anyway. If you don't enjoy our company, as you seem to make so clear, then why???

Once when we made plans to go somewhere to eat afterschool, we invited Gauri too, and later she texts Aditi saying she's offended that we invited her so last minute like an afterthought. This is just baffling to me because we had literally made the plan 10 minutes ago. We always do that and she was there as we formed the plan so I mean I guess we were all invited last minute? Keep in mind I didn't know any of this until a bit later because she would always just run to Aditi with these long messages about how she's upset.

She is constantly reading. Now that sounds like a good thing, but as learned from Pokemon's Professor Oak, "there's a time and place for everything, but not now." Whenever we are out having fun together, whether it be at the mall, at a restaurant, getting boba, she never (never) makes an effort to make conversation and instead sits as far away as possible and pulls out her book. I swear she's been reading the same page of that same book for forever; I'm no longer sure if she's even reading it anymore. Fittingly, that book is called The Never Ending Story. I don't understand why she gets scathingly upset when we don't invite her to things because whenever we do invite her, which turned out to be always ever since the incident of Aditi's house party, she always looks bored and starts reading her book. When Aditi was introducing Laura to us and we went to the mall, Laura almost fainted when she saw Gauri open that book and then that got Aditi pissed because she felt like we were leaving a bad impression on Laura as if all her friends are antisocial people.

One could say I didn't try. Maybe I didn't try hard enough. But I wonder the merit of trying so hard for someone that you don't yet have any care or connection to AND who doesn't meet you halfway, or even a quarter of the way, when you try to talk to them. On the bus to senior ball, I tried talking to her about the book she was reading, which she put away for once since she gets dizzy reading on the bus, but literally it was like talking to a brick wall. She didn't even turn to look at me and didn't say any words besides yeah and mhm while staring straight forward, as if willing the conversation to end. Now okay, I could understand if this was the first or second time I've ever spoken to her, but this has been going on for semester and a half. I'm done.

Whenever we sit down at lunch, she sits like 4 feet away from us looking super awkward in the corner. So I always ask her, hey do you want to come closer, which she proceeds to do by moving over one inch. Okay. Dhanya always asks her whats been going on, and every time (EVERY TIME WITH NO EXCEPTION), she says "nothing much" and then pulls out her book.

At senior ball, I asked her three times (count, 1 2 3) if she wanted to come into the photo booth with me to take photos, to which she obviously declines three times. Why did you follow me and Dhanya around everywhere when you literally didn't want to do anything. At first she asked if we could go to the side lobby rooms (no music and brighter) but there were no chairs open so we went back to the dance floor. Then, as usual, she pulled out her book, but she couldn't read because it was too dark and kept visibly covering her ears because the music was too loud. I felt bad so I was like why don't we check again if there are any seats open so we ended up staying on a couch for the rest of senior ball. I literally couldn't do anything that night, or ever, without her following me like a silent shadow, making me feel bad for not interacting with her. Yet whenever I try, I get no real interaction or reaction in return and it's just empty. I just can't take it anymore. Maybe someone else could do better but I really am not that person.

I hate her because she makes me hate how I act. I feel like a bully and a fake. I pretend I'm okay with her, because I was, but then eventually I wasn't. So what do I say now. She told us that she doesn't really have any friends because people think she's pretentious. And I can't help but think, really? You act like the end all be all of literature, and you can't see why other's think you're pretentious? There's another girl called Angeline that I dislike because she is extremely showoffy in all her classes (ie Japanese and Government for me), but the difference is that I acknowledge that she is actually an extremely "smart" person that knows what she's talking about. Not to mention she actually interacts with people. Whenever I listen to Gauri talk, it's like she's oozing pseudo intellectualism. She's trying so hard to sound smart with all her art references, edgy indie films, etc. yet at the end there's no point. I'm not trying to judge people on the classes they take, but she literally dropped Physics, Calc, and all her other classes this year except for Lit and this engineering elective that she readily admits they do nothing in. And she's going into aerospace engineering. I know people go into majors all the time with no experience, but I honestly would've thought she'd want to do Literature. She's never shown any interest in aerospace engineering, but maybe I just don't know shit since she never says shit. I'm not trying to knock her for dropping almost all her classes, like Aditi is only taking a few classes at school this year too, but I just get so ticked off when she acts as though I'm a dumbass just because I don't read as many "intellectual" books or watch as many "respectable" films as her. Like just because you're always reading out in the open, doesn't mean I've never read a book in my life. I can't imagine what she's thinking whenever I mention fanfiction with Dhanya. When I tried talking about the novel I was reading with her on the bus, she completely didn't give any shits as usual, or even pretend to give any shits. Like whenever Aditi talks about EXO or Dhanya talks about Harry Potter, half the time I have no idea what they're talking about but I enjoy the conversation or try to enjoy it, but with this girl I never get any positive reaction from her, or any reaction at all, and it's honestly tragic and draining. Yes, she has anxiety, but at this point she's letting it define her, and maybe I'm wrong for doing so, but I've given up trying to have anything to do with her. I've never had so much trouble with one single person in my life.

I want senior all night party to be fun whether she thinks it's a "bummer" or not.