The Blog of Elaine Wang

30 October 2016

I hate it when people touch my stuff without asking. It makes me feel so irrationally angry. I got my admissions package from Purdue in the mail and she keeps taking it when I'm trying to read it even though she can't even read it. Like what are you staring at it for if you don't even understand English. I'm so salty right now just stop touching my shit. Stop sitting next to me and asking me all these random questions that I don't know the answers to. I don't know what school I'm going to yet okay. Just stop talking to me for a second and leave me alone.

On a more positive note, I went to the Halloween Haunt yesterday. It was pretty fun. I screamed a lot. I basically crashed when I got home though; I was so tired, and my stomach was really tight/uncomfortable from the fear. My heart was literally hurting when I got out of CornStalkers. We're so weird. Why would anyone enjoy being scared, but we do anyway.

27 October 2016

So instead of reading Beloved right now, I'm writing this because I was getting a little bit overwhelmed by the homework I had today. I feel like tomorrow's school day will be a train wreck. I have a Biotech meeting and those always stress me out no matter what. It's weird because the moment you're president, it feels like the failure or success of your club is completely on your shoulders. That makes sense but also I feel like it shouldn't be that way.

It's just embarrassing to me because nobody really goes to my club meetings except for my friends and sometimes 1 or 2 other people. So I feel bad for my officers because I think they must be thinking wow this club is so lame. One time there was a good amount of people, but for some reason they all just disappeared after that meeting. Maybe it was because the email said we would have drinks. But drinks aren't really that tempting so I don't know why people came to that one.

Anyway, despite my premonition of tomorrow being shitty (basically every Friday I have a Biotech meeting feels shitty to me), I started this post to write about happy things for this week.

I'm happy that on Saturday I'm going to the Great America Halloween Haunt with my friends.

I'm happy that tomorrow I'm going to eat KBBQ for my mom's birthday. I hope she's happy tomorrow so we can all be happy.

I'm happy that my literature teacher told me I have good analysis. Even though Ms. J is making me suffer through this book, I will live somehow.

I'm happy that my friends are still my friends.

I'm happy that Kyle is here.

I'm happy I kind of made a friend in Y&G. Hopefully she actually thinks so too unlike last time this happened. It really sucked.

I'm happy there's going to be three dollar Chipotle next Monday.

I guess I'm happy that November 1st is coming so I can get over with that batch of Early Action applications. I'm thinking I'll just do Caltech Regular Decision since there is no real advantage of doing Early Action Caltech. I still need to finish my Illinois Urbana-Champaign essay though.

Please be happy.

25 October 2016

I care.

It kind of annoys/saddens me when people post on social media that nobody cares about them and they should just leave or delete their account. On one hand I understand that they may be feeling down that day, or they may have depression and anxiety and may actually believe it at times, but when they post those kinds of words somewhere where only their friends (the people who care about them) can see, it kind of makes me feel like all the caring I did—or at least thought I did—didn't mean anything to them. I love you I wish you could feel like people love you all the time but I know we all have our insecure moments.

And then a bunch of people post that they care and that they are an amazing person, and I just have to wonder why it has to be like this. You had to have known a bunch of people would come and try to cheer you up, so what was the point. Let's say that none of these people actually do care, and they are just saying all of this to be nice or good mannered. If that's the case, then you wouldn't know anyway and you just have a bunch of people pretending to care so what was the point of asking in the first place if everyone might just be fake. I honestly don't think it's like this. I might think so if it was Facebook or something where you're "friends" with everyone, but not in this case. Now let's say everyone actually does care. Well then the problem is solved and people do care so why do you need people to tell you explicitly. I probably just don't understand.

This is similar to when a different friend gave me the impression that she didn't want to be friends with me because I didn't provide her with anything positive back. I felt like everything I had done in the past, thinking it was helpful, didn't mean shit.

I know that their post obviously wasn't a personal attack or anything like that and it was just feelings, we all have feelings, but I always wonder at the mindset.

I could never post in an area surrounded by friends that nobody gives a shit about me. I would feel like I was undermining all the love and help I've received from them. Maybe I'm just lucky enough to feel like I have people who care. But as someone who cares about them, even if they don't think so, I won't believe that I'm the only one.

This morning I was debating if I should post a comment trying to cheer them up. If I didn't, would that mean that I didn't care about them enough. In the end I didn't because I was salty and petty. Everyone feels down so it isn't even that big of a deal, but I just can never wrap my head around it. Then again I never really post about my emotions on social media, so I probably just don't know.

25 October 2016

This actually happened last Friday (October 21st), but I wasn't really in the mood to blog until now. Basically I got my first acceptance letter(?) from Purdue University. It was an email, but that's not really that important. It was almost the end of the school day, and I wasn't really even think about anything except for the random story we were reading since I have Contemporary Literature last, but then I happened to check my email. It was an email from Purdue Admissions (obviously), but I didn't really think about it and thought it was just one of the random reminders they send you, so my acceptance was pretty sudden. There was no feeling of 'man this email is like opening Pandora's Box, I can't do it, it's too much pressure'. Then again, Purdue has rolling admission and is pretty easy to get into so it wouldn't have been that dramatic regardless, but I was still so happy. I had such a dumb grin on my face. I knew they would be accepting the first batch of people on the 21st but for some reason I thought the 21st was a Saturday, and I didn't expect my decision to come out in the first batch.

I'm checking the email again and it's shocking how unaware I am when I check emails. The subject was literally "Congratulations - You're a Boilermaker!". Flew right by me. I kind of wish I could relive that moment of brief euphoria.

On a different note, I got mail from Northeastern University (my sister's school) and in it there were a bunch of nice looking cute letters and even fake Polaroid pictures. Schools spend so much money just sending nice ass shit to people. Basically the stuff just said thanks for applying to our College of Science, here are some letters typed in that handwriting font from our students and staff etc. I just think it's so funny that they use the handwriting font so you think it's personal but it's obviously a font and mass produced letters so I don't know what they're trying to achieve here. Like why are you sending me this stuff if it isn't an acceptance. And they were writing the letter as if I was going to go already, even before I committed, in fact, even before they accepted me! Imagine I don't get in and just look back at the letters wondering what it was all for.

Bless

Now it's awkward because I don't know if I'm even going to go to Purdue depending on the other schools I get into. My grades aren't that great though, so I doubt I'll get into Georgia Tech, Caltech, Carnegie Mellon, etc.

18 October 2016

So I've been playing the Pokemon Sun and Moon demo. I don't really know how I feel right now. I mean obviously I love it and I'm super excited for the game, but I don't have that giddy feeling. One reason is probably because I watched a livestream of it so I already know pretty much how it plays out in the beginning, but also because I know there is school and college apps impeding me from enjoying the experience. I can already see myself on November 18th wanting to play the game, probably playing the game, but them getting stressed out because I still need to finish my UC apps and the other random apps that are due in December and January. I'm glad that I'm done with my standardized tests though. I technically only have 2 SAT Subject Tests that I got good scores on because the third one is Chinese and the fourth one is like a 600 something in Chemistry, but I think I'm okay for what I'm aiming for.

I see my friends who aim high and go for these great schools, and I kind of wish I could have that kind of motivation to achieve because at this point I don't really care that much. I'm kind of just okay with whatever comes my way as long as I can live a decent life. I get that there are many opportunities and experiences that you can have if you go to top schools like MIT, Stanford, etc. but seeing as how my life hasn't been crazy, I don't have anything amazing to say, and my grades aren't anywhere near good enough, I don't want to psych myself up for something that is 99% chance not going to happen. I don't even have a great love for these schools either. At one point, I thought Carnegie Mellon was my top school, but now I'm thinking about it, I don't really know if it's my top school. Actually I know it isn't. I mean I would love to get in seeing as though it's top ranked in the major I'm choosing, but I don't have any pressing reason that I absolutely want to go to that school; I don't have any particular emotion or love towards the school.

I'm not even sure if some of my friends have any great love for their top school. One of my friends really wants to go to MIT. Another friend really wants to go to Brown. They both have legitimate reasons why they want to go in terms of their career goals, but they aren't reasons that the schools haven't already heard a million times. I hate the "Why _____" question. I feel like if they give that question, it should at least be optional with a different question as the main essay because honestly, that question is only beneficial if you have some amazing story to tell like how you love waffles or something. Otherwise it's just another bullshit essay we have to write and pretend to care about and another bullshit essay the admissions is forced to read. It's kind of a waste.

I guess it could be a sort of motivation for you to go visit and research and find something you end up loving about the school. But I don't have the motivation to pay a thousand bucks to travel across US seeing as though I don't even care enough about the school in the first place. Who even knows.

Earlier today, my mom started yelling at my oldest sister because she was planning on dying her hair green again. And then she started yelling at me because I told her she cares too much about that stuff. We had this huge fight and now I'm just pissed. I made some damn good points, but of course she's my mom so of course she has to be a bigoted piece of shit that can't even understand basic logic. I would put our entire exchange here but that would just make me more mad and would probably take 3000 years so I'm just going to stop and calm down.

No but really, why do people give a shit when other people dye their hair or get tattoos. My dance teacher dyed her hair and she still looks hot as hell. In fact I think it gives her more character. I don't go like wow, how could a teacher dye their hair that's so unprofessional like give me god damn break it is 2016. Even if it was like 300 BC I still wouldn't give a damn. My AP Biology teacher once told us that she has a dislike for tattoos and whenever she sees someone with tattoos she automatically judges them for it. BUT THEN, she takes a step back and thinks, you know, I don't know their story, I don't know their skills, their personality, IN FACT, WAIT, I DON'T KNOW SHIT, SO HOW ABOUT I CALM THE FUCK DOWN AND STOP BEING A PIECE OF SHIT? Really. Check yourself please.

15 October 2016

During dance, we always listen to music in the background while we work out, and since I basically never listen to music on my own, I found so many songs I like from that class. It's weird because she used to play a song called We Don't Talk Anymore and I really liked the cover she played but I can't find that version anywhere. She doesn't seem to play the song anymore though so here I am stuck listening to the original on YouTube. Ugh I'm so annoyed because the version she had was so pretty.

I never realized it before, but it's such an applicable song if you take out all the romantic undertones.

We don't talk anymore, we don't talk anymore
We don't talk anymore, like we used to do
We don't love (laugh?) anymore
What was all of it for?
Oh, we don't talk anymore, like we used to do

I just heard you found the one you've been looking
You've been looking for
I wish I would have known that wasn't me
Cause even after all this time I still wonder
Why I can't move on
Just the way you did so easily

Don't wanna know
What kind of dress you're wearing tonight
If he's holding onto you so tight
The way I did before
I overdosed
Should've known your love was a game
Now I can't get you out of my brain
Oh, it's such a shame

That we don't talk anymore, we don't talk anymore
We don't talk anymore, like we used to do
We don't love anymore
What was all of it for?
Oh, we don't talk anymore, like we used to do

I just hope you're lying next to somebody
Who knows how to love you like me
There must be a good reason that you're gone
Every now and then I think you
Might want me to come show up at your door
But I'm just too afraid that I'll be wrong

Don't wanna know
If you're looking into her eyes
If she's holding onto you so tight the way I did before
I overdosed
Should've known your love was a game
Now I can't get you out of my brain
Oh, it's such a shame

(repeat)

That we don't talk anymore

13 October 2016

Man going on Facebook always makes me feel so anxious these days. And it's weird because the person making me nervous is the person I would have least expected if you asked me a few months ago. I feel a painful feeling emanating from my chest, and it just demotivates me from doing anything. I should be doing this crazy Econ assignment right now, but I just feel like lying down and dying. I'll just think about happy things. Sometimes nothing looks happy.

4 October 2016

Okay, I really need calm down with all these consecutive blog posts but now I'm thinking even more.

I just need to stop thinking.

What's the point of blogging knowing that nobody is reading. Like I ask these questions knowing I'm never going to get an answer from anybody, so why am I asking. Why not just ask some real person out there and not my imaginary friend Lizzy. I'm trying to remember why my imaginary friend is named Lizzy in the first place. I'm pretty sure I made her when I was in kindergarten or elementary school, but Lizzy?? I have this strange feeling that it was the name of one of the bears in that weird bear cartoon.

Another weird thing is that all the traffic on my blog is coming from porn websites. Why? It probably just has something to do with the strange place that is the internet.

Back to the point, some people say that blogging is therapeutic. Is it really though? At some point you have to wonder if having all these unanswered emotions floating around gets to be unhealthy. On one hand, you think that if everyone read your blog, you would be more likely to be fake. On the other hand, if you know nobody reads your blog, you would be brutally honest but who cares because of course you're honest if you're the only one that will ever actually read it. So either way, what's the point if you have to be either fake or just rant about shit you already know.

I know some people aren't necessarily "fake" when they have public blogs with many viewers. I can see how that can make people happy with people in comments discussing and sharing their opinions/agreement. People like it when others agree with them. Not so much when they don't.

I guess running an unknown blog can be cool for purposes of chronicling one's life and reading past posts to see how you've changed. Sometimes I read my past posts and it's like I don't even remember writing them. Or I think about how dumb I was back then.

Thinking more, even when I know nobody is really reading my blog, I still kind of lie to myself. For example, around March of this year, I made a mistake in my math class. I never really wrote out what the mistake was. I still can't write what it was, because I'm afraid of myself. It's like I'm hoping that one day I'll just forget about it, and that will somehow make it okay. I know that's bad. It's like when you're so convinced of your own lie, it becomes the truth. Even though it is still just a lie.

Sometimes I wish people I knew read my blog so they would know how I felt without me actually having to tell them. That's bad too. I should probably just tell them.

I'm a coward.

4 October 2016

I know I literally just made a post like an hour ago today, but I just got some more thoughts.

What are you supposed to do when you know someone is falling apart but it seems like they don't want help from you. Well I guess you could say the obvious thing to do would be to leave them alone because they probably just want space, but at some point you have to wonder if that's the best option. I mean if they wanted to talk they would, but what if they wanted you to talk. Who knows. I've been rereading some emails and I feel like maybe I'm being unfair and maybe I should just really chill out and stop being angry at people. I said I was okay, but maybe I wasn't. I think I should be okay now as I think about it more. I just keep thinking, will any of this ever work out. Or will that just be the end of everything.

Why am I always asking other people about things expecting them to solve the problem for me. Things become twisted, tempers rise, and nothing is solved. I should just wait.

On a side note, I was reading this lady's answers on Quora, and she needs to chill out. Like she claims to be an admissions officer, but I'm really hoping that's a lie because she is so rude and ignorant it's incredible. Oh, you have these Olympic specs? You'll barely get into De Anza. Like HELLO? Let's be realistic here. And then she wrote a reply to this girl who was asking about changing her Chinese name to an English one, and she says that that's "RUDE" including the all caps. I was in shock. Like so many people at my school have "English" names even though their name on the roster is Chinese. Even my oldest sister has a Chinese legal name, but the name she uses is in English. How is that rude. It honestly just makes it easier for both them and the teachers. What is the deal. And then she says she knows it's rude the other way around too like if an American went to China and got a Chinese name. ???? Literally as long as you are respectful, nobody actually gives a shit. Basically she says a bunch of bullshit about admissions and constantly looks down on community college; who does this bitch think she is.

4 October 2016

I have a Physics test tomorrow and, as usual, I have no idea what is going on. I wonder if I should be going into computer science because people always say you should be good at stuff like math to go into engineering. That makes sense, but I don't really think I'm good at math. I don't get things intuitively when it's taught, I have to think for a while about it, and even then, I don't always understand it. The test tomorrow is about forces, and whenever they give the problem, I just stare at it and have no idea where to start. It's not even like I'm horrible at math or anything, it's just that I'm not good at it either. I hate being average at everything.

I'm also getting pissed off again about life. Like I thought I was chill after a good talk with my friends, but some things just trigger my anger. It's weird how the brain works. How jealousy works. I really just want to go fuck you fuck me fuck this fuck everything and forget it all I'm so annoyed. Like what has that bitch done. Well she's not really a bitch, I like her, but seriously, what have any of these people done?

I was looking at old chats with people and man I said some deep shit. I'm reading some of the stuff I said and I'm shocked like where did this shit come from.

2 October 2016

I am so grateful that I have friends who care about me. I said in a previous post that I didn't care if they told me they cared because I expect it from them. Thinking back, it sounds kind of ungrateful but I didn't really mean it that way. It's just that most of them give deeper consolation than just caring, if that even makes sense. I'm honestly not sure where I would be or what I would do without the friends I have.

Sometimes I see people who look like they are always sitting alone at lunch, and I wonder if they have friends. Sometimes I see the people that everybody knows, but nobody is actually friends with. There was this guy that my friend used to talk to and had a crush on. He had the "look" of someone you would expect to be popular. And people knew him and talked to him. But during lunch my friend asked him who he sat with and he said nobody because he didn't have any friends. It was like he knew everybody and everybody thought everyone else knew him so he probably already has friends he's with regularly. But, in the end, he has nobody. That seems even sadder to me than being lonely in the sense that nobody knows you. It's like everyone knows you, people like you, but it's as if they don't like you enough or care enough to actually be friends with you because they assume there's already someone else. After all, if almost the whole school knows you, there's bound to be someone you're already friends with right?

Sometimes I wonder why people choose to be friends with me, and I know the answer is because they like me, but sometimes I wonder anyway. A friend told me that friendship is something you just have without expecting compensation. Doesn't that sound like such a magical thing that you only find in anime? Thinking about it, I would say that that's how I view friendships too. It just never occurred to me because I never really expect anything equal back when I do things for my friends like a business exchange or something. Another friend said that whenever she plans parties or outings for us, she does it because she likes to do it not because she's expecting one of us to plan the next one. It's funny because a different friend then said that her mom's circle of "friends" are always tallying and counting in their minds who owes who what. For her carpool, it always has to be a perfect give and take of which parent is driving. That's more like a circle of forced acquaintances than friends to me. Who would call something like that a friendship.

Sometimes I wonder if everything I do is useless or meaningless. What's the point of being friends with someone that doesn't make you happy right? What's the point of interacting with someone that has no "use" to you. Then again, what's the point of thinking you have friends when everyone you talk to doesn't actually give a shit. Which friend would you call to bail you out of jail, and who would say yes. I'm trying to think of each friend and what use they have to me. That sounds funny doesn't it. It's like I'm the antagonist who goes, "HAH! DID YOU THINK I ACTUALLY CARED? I WAS JUST USING YOU THIS WHOLE TIME." I'm laughing to myself just typing that because it's so ridiculous. So then what are friends for? Helping you even though they don't get anything back. Being there for you even though they have other things to do. Getting into fights but making up anyway because it hurts when the people you care about are hurting.