The Blog of Elaine Wang

25 August 2017

Once again, I am here, confused. Yesterday night I was feeling pretty down as with all my days here and was messaging Aditi about it. Basically spilled all my tragic feelings to her. Then when I go shower and come back I see messages in our group chat which is chill. And then just now (next day) I checked twitter and see a string of tweets like 3 minutes after I left to shower about how she never wants to talk to her high school friends again because she feels somehow left behind while we're all having fun in college even though she chose her path herself. And then she says she deleted her messenger app so she'd be less likely to message us and she's content with being the friend who just says hi once in a while. I guess I don't know because I literally just spilled to her minutes ago about how much fun I wasn't having so??? I mean I guess Chung min and Dhanya are having fun like Dhanya has a group she goes to frat parties and gets drunk with already. Chung Min is doing fine. I'm the only one here dying because I can't get it together and make friends. And now the person I told my problems to is like lol i never want to talk to you again, which kind of makes me feel a lot worse? She said she definitely wants to come visit me, and I kind of deflected because I didn't want her to spend this money just to come see me and then have to leave, making me feel even worse and more alone than ever. Maybe she was offended by that? WHO KNOWS. Why is it that anytime I have any sort of conversation with her, it makes her feel more depressed, and then I feel more depressed because I care about her but somehow I hurt her without knowing why.

Sigh. Just when I thought things might be turning up, this happens. Why am I even surprised. Maybe I should have just not messaged her yesterday.

I can also already feel Dhanya drifting away in just like two days. Literally on Wednesday we had a relatively long chat about how we aren't cut out for the party life and RUSHing etc. and like today she's already frat party jumping and avoiding cops. It's like a complete 180. Now our chat is just me saying what she's up to, her answering, me saying it's wild, her saying not really and that like it. There's no more connection. It's like after we stopped having school to rant about, or our mutual struggle with college to rant about, our conversations are suddenly empty. I kind of expected it though. I think she latches onto things really quick and changes really quick, and I suppose she's letting go of high school friends too; like Aditi. This all makes me feel so shitty because it's like I'm the only one who can't let go. It's like I've spent 7 generally happy years (in terms of our relationship) with these people and now I'm just supposed to let go? Maybe if I could actually make friends but it's like I can't even do that. I just feel like everything is slowly drifting away.

25 August 2017

Decided to reach out to Pallavi just now after debating for a while. I'm so bad at these things. It seems to have gone well so far, but I'm not really sure how it'll play out. I think we'll be meeting for an event tomorrow, hopefully I leave an okay impression and this situation doesn't turn out to be Swetha 2.0 and I end up crying even more. She definitely seems nice but I'm not sure if she'd want to be my friend or if we'll just end up as acquaintances. Everything is worrying me. I already have a random physics prelecture I need to do before classes start but I'm so stressed that I'm just sitting here trying to pull myself together. I really need things to go well.

Should I be myself? Myself is kind of shady. I can't act like myself with people I don't already know well. Well I can but it's a little much. I don't know. It's like people always act differently in different situations, that's normal, but do I want to be a watered down version of me when trying to find long term friends? Why am I even worrying so much already.

25 August 2017

I never really noticed how much I hate being alone. Not alone per say, but just that feeling of knowing that, even if you wanted to, you wouldn't have anyone to hang out with. Today we had the new student convocation, and yesterday night I asked Swetha about it and she said we should go together because she didn't want to be alone. I wondered about her roommate at this point but didn't really ask about it. Come today, I ask her if she's there, and she says yes but she probably won't be able to find me since the stadium is huge, which I agreed with. She's also with her roommate at this point so I guess she didn't need me anyway. Later after the ceremony is over, there's a huge picnic on the grass and I see everyone sitting with their friends/groups but I don't have anyone to sit with. I messaged Swetha asking her where she is but she doesn't ever reply despite it saying she's active on messenger. So I ended up just sitting kind of with these other two girls but not really because we didn't talk so I was basically just sitting by myself. Then later after walking around and looking at booths because I felt pathetic just sitting on the grass eating alone, I messaged Swetha again giving her a heads up about how the college of engineering (our college) doesn't have a parade today unlike the other colleges. It's only then that she replies to my message with a simple "oh ya". Every time I ask her where she is so I can go meet up with her, she never answers my messages; it's kind of becoming pretty obvious that she doesn't actually want to hang out with me, nor introduce me to her roommate regardless of the many times I've reached out to her about it with her saying something along the lines of "of course!", probably out of courtesy. She also said she'd add me to her group chat but that never happened either. It's never her messaging me, it's always the other way around. It's so exhausting having these one sided messages with someone. I'm not blaming her or anything, you can't really control who you end up wanting to become friends with after all. I think I should just let go and move on to reaching out to someone else.

I'm so tired. I feel like crying. I wish I were better at making friends. I wish people would want to keep talking to me after I talk to them. I'm trying to remember how I made friends before but I can't remember. I wonder if I'm going to become of those depressed college students without a social life. Dhanya already has a group of people from her dorm floor and even went to a frat party and got drunk yesterday night. I really feel so isolated I don't even have a group to follow around. Maybe one day I'll give up caring. I know I should just wait until school actually starts and club day but it's so discouraging seeing everyone else seemingly having a great time with new friends already. I wish I ended up with a roommate so I could at least have a starting point. I wish I didn't feel so alone.

I shouldn't be so surprised. I went through like 10 years of Chinese school, each year with the same exact class of people, without making a single friend. I went through an entire year of Y&G without making a single friend. And I still remember how alone I felt during that year of Y&G meetings and conferences. Now it's like that but everyday for 4 years. I was honestly so shocked when I became friends with Maggie in my third year of Y&G. I don't even remember why we became friends. I don't think many people know that feeling of such deep gratitude for someone just giving you their time of day. It means so much to me because it rarely ever happens.

I think maybe there's something wrong with me that I have so much trouble making friends yet I care so much. Writing this all out, I'm crying alone in my room again. I feel so pathetic. I wish I were more like Dhanya who just changes herself to get what she wants and not be left behind. I wish I were more like Aditi who projects self confidence and loves to party. I wish I were no longer myself; at this point I don't think I would want to be friends with me either.

I don't think I'm smart enough to be alone. I feel like I'd need to form a study group with people. I'm not that lonely genius.

I should stop wishing and start doing.

17 August 2017

I've been hanging out with Liz and Olivia a lot this week and it's made me pretty happy. I had thought Olivia was annoyed with me but that's probably because I didn't take the initiative to have conversations with her so it felt like I wasn't really interacting with her at all. So basically it's just my imagination as usual LOL.

Well I was pretty happy until just now when my mom is again making me want to die. Like what is up with her and her kitchen it's like no one but us can use it. Calm down it's just a kitchen. She has the gall to pull this bullshit on me and then continue talking casually to me about her past as if I'll give a shit after she just yelled at me and pissed me off. I'm honestly so in shock at how unreasonable she is. Then again, should I really be shocked anymore given that this issue has been a constant annoyance in my life.

10 August 2017

Sometimes I feel like I'm such an unhelpful person. Like when Olivia chats me about stuff and I feel like I should be helpful and supportive I'm always super stumped on what to say. And now I'm randomly afraid she dislikes me because I'm so useless at making helpful and interesting conversation. I don't know, I'm always scared of saying the wrong things to her all the time. I feel like she has such deep viewpoints on things and I'm just an ignorant blob who doesn't know how to do anything. Biggest sigh I'm such a tragedy.

8 August 2017

Yeah so I'm inexplicably sad again at 2 AM. You know, the usual. I just realized that my previous post was literally about this exact same thing haha. The post was even made at 3 AM, an hour later but pretty much the same idea and even about the same person, though I can't remember why anymore since the post ended up devolving into me ranting about anime. In conclusion, I seem to always get sad about interpersonal relationships at ungodly hours in the night. Also I'm really slow at typing with these nails and this new keyboard.

Anyway, I'm sad because I'm afraid someone may be annoyed with me because I may have spoiled them on a character death. More specifically, I posted a story on Instagram about Gin's death from Bleach and how I was sad about it but then I saw Rachael saw it and had this vague flashback to when I was discussing Gin with Olive at some point and Rachael was like no spoilers! But I'm not even sure if this actually happened because it's such a vague vision that happened in my head? So I ended up deleting the story before more people could potentially get spoiled though I'm pretty sure everyone who follows me either doesn't give a shit (more likely) or already knows. So it's funny that the one person that I suspect would be the most likely to not know/not want to know and care is also the only person to have seen the story before I deleted it.

Basically I'm afraid that she's annoyed I posted this story that may or may not have spoiled her on this character death. It's all pretty ridiculous honestly. But if you know me, you know that I get anxious over the smallest things when it comes to possibly upsetting other people. Like I'm so scared of people disliking me because of something I've done and it's really frustrating at times. I don't really get that upset about people disliking me for reasons that aren't my fault and simply born out of their own judgement because that's their problem but when I start to think it's actually something I did my emotions get a little out of hand.

I read into the littlest things and go on a huge sad tangent in my brain and it scares me because I realize that's what my mom always does except instead of realizing that she's probably overthinking it, she blames everyone else, thinking she's always the victim. I'm afraid that one day I'll stop being able to recognize that it's probably nothing and become like my mom.

Yeah I don't know why out of all the people I know, it's always Rachael who makes me feel these weird sad episodes. Like there's definitely nothing wrong with her, it's me, but WHY IS MY SAD BRAIN AREA SO FIXATED ON HER. She hasn't done anything to make me feel bad, in fact she's always really nice to me, so I'm just??? I guess maybe because I'm afraid of disappointing her since she's always so nice. I feel like I have to live up to what she thinks of me so somehow little mistakes I make feel like a huge disaster.

On one hand I know his death has been a thing for 8 years already, but on the other hand I understand that just because something has existed for 8 years, doesn't mean you still can't be spoiled about it. Like I'll readily admit I probably know nothing of significance about Sailor Moon even though it's hella old. So yeah I need to be more careful. This is why I want an actual spam account. But then again what's the point of ranting to myself about spoilery topics on a spam account that would have to have 0 followers when I can just rant about it in my head. Because if I make a spam account and have my usual spam account friends follow it, then there's literally no point because I can't post spoilers there either. So who do I cry to? Liz? But Liz doesn't even like Gin that much so it's just me dying forever in my own tragedy as usual.