29 February 2016

I'm so uncomfortable right now. I just reread my application essays for the Girls Who Code program, and I just feel like they aren't good enough. They sound so boring and dull. I feel like in my essay regarding my collaborative efforts, I didn't explain enough about how being in a team allowed us to accomplish what we otherwise wouldn't have been able to. I didn't feel anything when I read the essays. There wasn't a sense that anyone would be impressed or awed or touched or anything if they were to read my essays. Nothing I wrote on there was anything amazing. I don't have like 300 leadership experiences. I haven't actually created anything useful to society, it's all just "this this and this happened, so please accept me lol". I'm just so afraid that, of all people, I won't get in, even though I do believe that I deserve this opportunity, and I do believe that I would get so much out of it if I were to go.

I'm afraid that they will see my application and think that I've not accomplished enough, or my words are too empty. I get the sense that people wouldn't be able to differentiate my writing from others (in a good way), and I'd just be another few paragraphs in the wind. I don't show accomplishment in my writing, and it's all very drab.

I'm dreading not being accepted not only because I really want to go, but also because I think I'm just as qualified as friends I know that have gotten in last year and friends I know that I'm sure will get in this year. I wish I didn't think this way, but I'm afraid that my friends applying this year will get in and I won't. I think everyone feels that way in some way, shape, or form when they enter a competition with people they know. I don't want to be envious of my friends. I don't want to feel like oh I should have been the one to go because if I don't end up being accepted, then I probably just didn't fit with the program.

That's what I'd like to think, yet I never feel like I am able to express who I am adequately in my writing. I can't because the real me is so dull and colloquial. It's hard for me to get myself across without sounding blunt or rude in my writing, or as a peer stated, "this doesn't reflect you well" or "this doesn't put you in a good light". I'm sorry that everything about a person has to "reflect them well". I'm sorry that we can't have flaws or quote-on-quote crudeness in our personality without having to learn some profound message from what may just be what defines us as a person. I'm not saying that it's okay to be rude to others, but not everything that may seem blunt is meant to be rude. And that's the problem. It's difficult for me to put on paper the way I speak, because that type of language may not be appropriate for most applications. I don't have that quirky, cute, or at least sophisticated language that gets across to the reader. I'm literally just me. When I do try to add humor to my formal writing, it ends up being forced, not funny, or the reader doesn't even get it because the words need to be spoken in a certain way. I'm so impressed by writers that can effectively convey wit in their writing and have it be funny, intelligent, and understandable.

I'm not able to write glowing essays about collaboration, leadership, etc. because I haven't actually been a part of those types of experiences. There have been group projects here and there, but I feel like I haven't actually learned all I'm forced to say I did. I say what I do so it "reflects well on me", but it all feels empty. I want to have these experiences. I want to learn these new things.

I feel like my personality works best when I'm with someone I know. I make my jokes easily when I'm talking to a friend, so when I joke with a friend, that's basically the only opportunity anyone else has of experiencing how I really am, even if it isn't directed towards them. If they decide that that's for them, then maybe we become friends. Otherwise, I'm always just that shy person that doesn't say anything to anyone because she's afraid. Yet, at the same time, I don't want to be a person who's character depends on someone else. I obviously need to become independent at some point, but I never feel like I have that opportunity because, like I said, I'm scared.

This year in Biology class, there is a senior guy who sits next to me called Max. He literally doesn't give a shit and is the most chill person on the planet. I was able to express a lot of my personality to him because I wasn't really afraid that he would judge me. Even so, I wasn't able to show all of "who I am", so to speak because I still feel guarded, and I think the lamer side of my humor would just sit there and die.

Similarly, I made another senior friend in Japanese class, and I was really able to pull out my dead-pan jokes on her. She is so receptive to the way I speak, and I just feel like the way she speaks just meshes so well with my words. Unfortunately she is graduating (obviously), but I'm really happy for her because she is going to the Air Force Academy like she wanted.

The way I speak is often based on jumping off of what the other person says. So a lot of the things I say can't really be said unless the other person says the right words. So it's like this endless cycle of, unless they speak to me first—which they usually don't—I'm screwed. And even if they do speak to me first, I may or may not feel comfortable just throwing it all out because usually my jokes are self-depreciating, overly-arrogant, or insulting to the other person (not in a serious way, or course). As you can see, all of these aren't exactly great first impressions. A lot people just hear what I say and go "okay...", not realising that it was joke or, I guess, not appreciating the joke. Which is why I stated earlier that it works best if I test the waters first by using my jokes on someone that I am already comfortable with. Keeping in mind that these people are few and far between—maybe like 2.5 people.

I'm not even really comfortable with a lot of people I consider pretty close friends. I'm still afraid of offending or seeming awkward to many of my friends, and so I end up just sitting there without anything to say. With all this talk of my humor, you'd think it's some hidden gem, but it really isn't even that great. It's mediocre humor that relies on other people, that I can rarely express, that only works with select personalities, oh and also it doesn't fit well with applications where the whole point is showing who you are. The very definition of a great personality.