The Blog of Elaine Wang: February 2016

Girls Who Code Application and Personality

29 February 2016

I'm so uncomfortable right now. I just reread my application essays for the Girls Who Code program, and I just feel like they aren't good enough. They sound so boring and dull. I feel like in my essay regarding my collaborative efforts, I didn't explain enough about how being in a team allowed us to accomplish what we otherwise wouldn't have been able to. I didn't feel anything when I read the essays. There wasn't a sense that anyone would be impressed or awed or touched or anything if they were to read my essays. Nothing I wrote on there was anything amazing. I don't have like 300 leadership experiences. I haven't actually created anything useful to society, it's all just "this this and this happened, so please accept me lol". I'm just so afraid that, of all people, I won't get in, even though I do believe that I deserve this opportunity, and I do believe that I would get so much out of it if I were to go.

I'm afraid that they will see my application and think that I've not accomplished enough, or my words are too empty. I get the sense that people wouldn't be able to differentiate my writing from others (in a good way), and I'd just be another few paragraphs in the wind. I don't show accomplishment in my writing, and it's all very drab.

I'm dreading not being accepted not only because I really want to go, but also because I think I'm just as qualified as friends I know that have gotten in last year and friends I know that I'm sure will get in this year. I wish I didn't think this way, but I'm afraid that my friends applying this year will get in and I won't. I think everyone feels that way in some way, shape, or form when they enter a competition with people they know. I don't want to be envious of my friends. I don't want to feel like oh I should have been the one to go because if I don't end up being accepted, then I probably just didn't fit with the program.

That's what I'd like to think, yet I never feel like I am able to express who I am adequately in my writing. I can't because the real me is so dull and colloquial. It's hard for me to get myself across without sounding blunt or rude in my writing, or as a peer stated, "this doesn't reflect you well" or "this doesn't put you in a good light". I'm sorry that everything about a person has to "reflect them well". I'm sorry that we can't have flaws or quote-on-quote crudeness in our personality without having to learn some profound message from what may just be what defines us as a person. I'm not saying that it's okay to be rude to others, but not everything that may seem blunt is meant to be rude. And that's the problem. It's difficult for me to put on paper the way I speak, because that type of language may not be appropriate for most applications. I don't have that quirky, cute, or at least sophisticated language that gets across to the reader. I'm literally just me. When I do try to add humor to my formal writing, it ends up being forced, not funny, or the reader doesn't even get it because the words need to be spoken in a certain way. I'm so impressed by writers that can effectively convey wit in their writing and have it be funny, intelligent, and understandable.

I'm not able to write glowing essays about collaboration, leadership, etc. because I haven't actually been a part of those types of experiences. There have been group projects here and there, but I feel like I haven't actually learned all I'm forced to say I did. I say what I do so it "reflects well on me", but it all feels empty. I want to have these experiences. I want to learn these new things.

I feel like my personality works best when I'm with someone I know. I make my jokes easily when I'm talking to a friend, so when I joke with a friend, that's basically the only opportunity anyone else has of experiencing how I really am, even if it isn't directed towards them. If they decide that that's for them, then maybe we become friends. Otherwise, I'm always just that shy person that doesn't say anything to anyone because she's afraid. Yet, at the same time, I don't want to be a person who's character depends on someone else. I obviously need to become independent at some point, but I never feel like I have that opportunity because, like I said, I'm scared.

This year in Biology class, there is a senior guy who sits next to me called Max. He literally doesn't give a shit and is the most chill person on the planet. I was able to express a lot of my personality to him because I wasn't really afraid that he would judge me. Even so, I wasn't able to show all of "who I am", so to speak because I still feel guarded, and I think the lamer side of my humor would just sit there and die.

Similarly, I made another senior friend in Japanese class, and I was really able to pull out my dead-pan jokes on her. She is so receptive to the way I speak, and I just feel like the way she speaks just meshes so well with my words. Unfortunately she is graduating (obviously), but I'm really happy for her because she is going to the Air Force Academy like she wanted.

The way I speak is often based on jumping off of what the other person says. So a lot of the things I say can't really be said unless the other person says the right words. So it's like this endless cycle of, unless they speak to me first—which they usually don't—I'm screwed. And even if they do speak to me first, I may or may not feel comfortable just throwing it all out because usually my jokes are self-depreciating, overly-arrogant, or insulting to the other person (not in a serious way, or course). As you can see, all of these aren't exactly great first impressions. A lot people just hear what I say and go "okay...", not realising that it was joke or, I guess, not appreciating the joke. Which is why I stated earlier that it works best if I test the waters first by using my jokes on someone that I am already comfortable with. Keeping in mind that these people are few and far between—maybe like 2.5 people.

I'm not even really comfortable with a lot of people I consider pretty close friends. I'm still afraid of offending or seeming awkward to many of my friends, and so I end up just sitting there without anything to say. With all this talk of my humor, you'd think it's some hidden gem, but it really isn't even that great. It's mediocre humor that relies on other people, that I can rarely express, that only works with select personalities, oh and also it doesn't fit well with applications where the whole point is showing who you are. The very definition of a great personality.

11:03 PM
0 Comments

Leap Day

featured

8:55 AM
0 Comments

Obama State of the Union In Class Rhetorical Analysis Warm-up

Literature

Elaine Wang
Carpenter
American Literature Honors 6
15 January 2016

In his final State of the Union address, President Barack Obama reflects on his regrets, but also expresses his desires for the future. He explains his beliefs on what is truly American leadership and democracy, and criticizes the the lack of unity and motivation for a better nation. Obama’s use of anaphora and parallelism, coupled with logical, ego-boosting statements, allow him to present a more persuasive and well rounded argument of what he believes America should carry on to become.

Obama first addresses the issue of America’s constant involvement with other countries, but spins it in a way in which it appeals to the people’s greatest ethos: themselves. He makes it so that America’s involvement with other countries is not about charity and wasting resources, but rather about themselves. Obama employs anaphora and parallel structure with the phrase “when we” followed by a positively connotated verb. America “leads”, “helps”, “defends” all these other nations not only because it’s the “right thing to do”, but because it is helpful to America and its citizens. He does this because not everyone believes that these actions are the “right thing to do”, and these beliefs are cause for rampant distrust and lack of confidence in American leadership.

Obama is appealing to both sides of the argument when he states that politics should not be based upon race or religion because “diversity” and “openness” is what makes America strong and worthy of respect, not political correctness. He references Pope Francis when he states that insults to others simply because they are different is “just wrong”. Through this reference, Obama is appealing and increasing the credibility of his words in the eyes of the religious side of many Americans. He connects this idea back to his statements of America’s position in the world; the diversity and openness America is known for will become more and more disparaged if politics are reduced to “imitat[ing] the hatred and violence of tyrants” and calling fellow citizens belittling names. These actions don’t do anything to make America safer, it only “diminishes us in the eyes of the world”.

The president further expresses his beliefs on what has become of America’s democracy, and the effects that lack of unity in the nation will result in in the future. Through repetition and slight cataplexis, Obama repeats that democracy will break down if all that is heard is of the “rich or the powerful”. If all that is heard is of “the most extreme” voices. He is calling the people to raise their opinions and is especially appealing to the minority citizens that “feel their voice doesn’t matter”. Obama continues to make his speech more and more personal as he uses the words “us” and “I”; he states, “my fellow Americans,” saying that he cannot change America on his own. No president, or congressman, or senator can. “We” have to do it together. Again using anaphora, Obama starts consecutive sentences with “we” as to give the impression that everyone can do something to make America better because nobody can do it alone, no matter how rich or powerful they are. While, he states, it is easier to remain “cynical” and “accept that change is not possible”, by doing so, “we” are forsaking a better future, and—tying his final words back to his first point—apathy only serves to “contradict[] everything that makes us the envy of the world”.

Ultimately, through his final address, Obama uses various rhetorical devices—such as anaphora and appeal to ego—as a means to convince America that a lot of what he did was for the sake of preserving American leadership, but he follows by stating that despite what it seems, no one person can do such a great task alone. He humbles himself by comparing his regrets with the successes of Lincoln or Roosevelt, but he ultimately leaves his listeners with the idea that their voices matter and that they shouldn’t take the easy path of cynicality, and keep America a nation to be envious of through, not only militaristic strength, but also leadership, diversity, and acceptance.

8:31 PM
0 Comments

John Winthrop In Class Rhetorical Analysis Warm-up

Literature

8:28 PM
0 Comments

Scarlet Letter Literary Analysis

Literature

Elaine Wang
Carpenter
American Literature Honors 6
19 October 2015

The Scarlet Letter Literary Analysis: Pearl as the Antithesis to Puritanism

In Nathaniel Hawthorne’s novel, The Scarlet Letter, most characters are created as subjects under Puritan ideals, yet Pearl, the daughter of the women most toiled by the judgments of Puritanism, is the character who is able to defy those ideals. Hawthorne presents Pearl as the antithesis to Puritan values through the various ways her character can be interpreted; these abstract characterizations of Pearl as nature, the scarlet letter itself, and a Romantic hero distinguish her as the world the Puritans tried, but failed, to create and Hawthorne's criticism of this failure.

From the moment she is introduced, Pearl’s character is likened to nature with her “wild-flower prettiness”, and like the circumstances of her birth, the presence of this comparison already sets Pearl deeply apart from the Puritans as they regard nature (the “shadow of the forest”) as a forbidden construct, favoring the safe, predictable disposition of the town (Hawthorne 62, 37). In the beginning of the novel, the harshness of Puritan justice is connoted through the nature surrounding the prison door: Hawthorne uses organicism to reflect the convoluted nature of Puritan justice as the “grass-plot, much overgrown with burdock, pig-weed, apple-peru, and such unsightly vegetation” grows in front of the prison door (36). Yet, on the other side, there is also a “wild rose-bush, covered . . . with its delicate gems” representative of “some sweet moral blossom” (37). Pearl is this “blossom” from the passion of Hester’s sin, and is, therefore, the morality Hawthorne hopes to present against the harsh Puritan morals. Although a central theme of The Scarlet Letter is sin, Hawthorne also highlights the idea of incessant penitence, and Pearl, through her connection with nature, embodies this theme: as she walks through the forest with her mother, Pearl is shown to “resemble[] the brook, inasmuch as the current of her life gushed from a well-spring as mysterious” (121). Pearl is equated with the “gushing” of the water, yet she is also contrasted with its “gloom” as “she dance[s] and sparkle[s]” (121). The brook is unable to move past its “gloom”, prompting Pearl to ask it, “Why are thou so sad?”: literally, she is asking the water why it is sad, but here, Hawthorne is also suggesting that one must have the capacity to “pluck up a spirit” instead of wallowing in the malaise of self-pity (121). Pearl is able to move past the ostracism she received all her life and be happy, while both Hester and Dimmesdale are stuck with the idea of the Puritan’s perpetual shame of sin.

Furthermore, Pearl is presented as a physical representation of the scarlet letter Hester is forced to wear; however, the reason for this similarity is unlike her connection with nature as it is not of her own volition. Hester is the one who adorns her with a “crimson velvet tunic . . . embroidered with fantasies and flourishes of gold thread”, a description almost indistinguishable from the scarlet letter itself (69). On the other hand, Pearl herself chooses to form an A on her chest with green seaweed: green is the complementary color to red as they cancel each other out when mixed. This juxtaposition of Hester and Pearl suggests that although Pearl is like the scarlet letter in that she is born from Hester’s adultery, she also transcends this simple idea as she does with most things. Pearl appears to be strangely fascinated with the letter, but she also seems to enjoy poking at it with her piercing judgement of her mother. One afternoon, Pearl “amuse[s] herself with gathering handfuls of wild-flowers, and flinging them, one by one, at her mother’s bosom”; her “dancing up and down” when she hit the scarlet letter suggests her otherworldly intelligence and understanding of the significance of her actions (66). Pearl is portrayed to love the scarlet letter not because she believes the Puritans are correct in shaming Hester, but because she wishes for her mother to move past the Puritan judgement, just as she asks the brook to move past its gloom. Her criticism is firmly depicted when Hester takes off the scarlet letter and throws it at the river; when she does this, Pearl no longer wants to approach her because, by discarding the letter, Hester is succumbing to Puritan judgement by admitting to the shame the letter brings her, and in doing this, she is essentially discarding Pearl as well. As stated in Daniel G. Hoffman’s literary criticism, Hester’s Double Providence: The Scarlet Letter and the Green, “[Pearl] will not let her mother cast the scarlet letter aside because Pearl herself is emblem of a passion which partook of that same heathen, natural wildness” (Hoffman 345). However, besides her own unwillingness to be “cast aside”, Pearl’s own misgivings toward Puritan ideals cause her to be critical of her mother and Dimmesdale’s plan to run away from their past and make a new living where nobody knows their sin; they would simply be making the same mistake the Puritans had of running away from a society that shunned them, only to create a new society just like the old one. Through Pearl’s characterization as contemptuous of her mother and father’s plans, she is vicariously implying Hawthorne’s Romantically motivated disapproval of Puritan society.

As reflected previously, Pearl is critical of her mother’s plan of escape because, like Hawthorne, she is a Romantic. Throughout the novel, she constantly judges the people around her despite her age: Pearl has a natural intuitive understanding of others. For example, when she adorns herself with the seaweed-green A and her mother asks her if she knows the meaning of the letter, Pearl, with her preternatural intuition answers, “Truly do I! It is for the same reason that the minister keeps his hand over his heart!” (Hawthorne 116). While it took Chillingworth years to realise the complete truth of Dimmesdale’s sin, Pearl is able discern that truth in moments. Because of her role as the Romantic hero, she possesses a sense of morality that ignores that of society’s values, as referenced by the narrator in the first chapter with the rose-bush’s “sweet moral blossom”. Pearl often strays from the temptations of society like the “wild, heathen Nature of the forest, never subjugated by human law” and is, therefore, unhindered in seeing the truth (130). However, despite her preternatural insight, Pearl still possesses the Romantic quality of youthful innocence as illustrated in many different parts of the novel. At one point, Hester and Pearl are walking through the forest, and Pearl notes that the “sunshine does not love [Hester]” and it hides itself because it is “afraid of something on [her] bosom” (119). Although Pearl, to an extent, knows the significance of the letter, she still innocently believes in the possibility of running sunshine and that, when she grows up, she will have a letter too. Finally, like a true Romantic hero, Pearl’s story ends in doom. Her “wild, rich nature [is] softened and subdued, and made capable of a woman’s gentle happiness” (165). She is given a binary path in life: either die a martyr, or become a regular woman. When Pearl kisses Dimmesdale, “a spell [is] broken” and she pledges that she would not “forever do battle with the world, but be a woman in it”, and her role as a symbol and a “messenger of anguish [is] fulfilled” (165). Because her role as “messenger . . . [is] fulfilled” and she becomes the “object of love . . . with some inhabitant of another land”, Pearl is implied to have gone to Europe and married a rich aristocrat; essentially, by stopping her “battle with the world”, she is allowing the world to stay the same as it was, just as the Puritans did. Though Pearl is able to achieve happiness, in terms of Hawthorne’s views as a Romantic himself, her ending is tragic. She represented the world the Puritans could have created, but ultimately, she left her role as this symbol and consequently also represents the failure of the Puritans.

Nathaniel Hawthorne imbues Pearl with the qualities of nature, Romanticism, and his novel’s namesake as to contrast these same qualities with that of Puritan values. Through this contrast, he criticizes the nature of Puritan justice and their failure to create the better, different new world they claimed they would. Yet, he also presents a tragic ending to the novel as Pearl, the symbol of his criticism is allowed to leave her role and mimic the Puritan’s failures she was made to refute, suggesting the difficulty of truly breaking away from the temptation of an easy, non-confrontational life.

8:24 PM
0 Comments

Still crying because Gin is dead

Anime

8:01 PM
0 Comments

Empathy

Dogs

9:51 AM
0 Comments

That Napping Post

featured

22 February 2016

Okay so just an update on this post even though it was only like three posts ago, but it turns out Aditi wasn't really mad at me, or at least I don't think she was. She just left her charger at my house, so she couldn't reply to any of my texts since her phone was dead. On the other hand, Dhanya was volunteering, so that's why she didn't reply either. So we ended up chatting on Facebook that night to discuss the San Francisco trip. Well, Dhanya ended up saying she couldn't go because her mom had just planned some dinner with some important people, and she (her mom) was also in a bad mood. I honestly don't know why I was disappointed seeing as though Dhanya and Chung Min rarely end up being able to go. I actually don't think, out of the many times I've been to San Francisco with Aditi, either of the two had ever come with us. So I asked Aditi if she wanted to just go with me, but she said she was tired, and the only reason she was still going to go in the first place was that we had planned the trip together in advance, and it would have been a good way to discuss all our troubles. I don't really voice many of my troubles—mostly because I don't have many—so there wouldn't be as much of a pressing reason for just the two of us to go. We've already been to San Francisco together so many times anyway. Still, I was kind of sad since I really like having fun trips, even if I'm tired. Anyway, since it ended up being just us two (again), we decided to hold off on the trip until the next break in April. Though I'm not too sure about that either since AP tests are right after that break. Don't know how it's all going to work out in the end.

School started today, and I feel like dying as usual. This morning, Dhanya texted me and Aditi in the group text saying, "Ugh somebody kill me before I have to go to hell once again". I just replied saying "same", but Aditi was just like, "You can't kill someone that's already dead." That is literally me everyday though. My entire existence is the lyrics to Evanescence's Wake Me Up Inside. Where's the lie. There is none.

On a side note, I was using gmail's email lookup feature where you can look up all the emails you've ever created that is using your main email as a recovery email (in my case, it would be elainetraps15@gmail.com). I actually could not believe. I mean I remember making this email at one point, and now that I think about it, I think it was in response to some other girl's emo ass email address. Like I thought it was cool or something, so I made one too. It's Watch.Me.Forget.About.You@gmail.com. I know. Real classy. Those were dark times, not gonna lie. Feel free to email me there; just don't expect a reply.

I just looked through my contacts to find the girl I based my email off of since all I remembered was that her name is Jenny, but there's like 3000 Jennys. I think she moved to Texas in fifth grade or something. Anyway, I distinctly remember that there was hella strange drama with her and my back-then friend, Justin Lee. It's weird, in elementary school, I was literally close friends/kinda friends with all the to-be popular kids like Maggie Yao, Justin Lee, Kelly Kim, Grace Moon, etc. etc. But all those friendships sort of seemed to just disappear one day. Although I'd like to think that I could still chat up Maggie any time and get a chill response. It's hard to believe everything we'd ever experience would just mean nothing. Enough on that though; I've already mulled on about how sad I get when I think of her way too many times to count. But I digress. Basically, this Jenny (Sui)'s email was/is cant.hear.me.scream.xx@gmail.com. I had decided that that was the coolest shit I'd ever seen, and so came my shitty rip off. I remember actually sitting there trying out new combinations to get one that wasn't taken and still sounded "hip" to me. Man. I never really thought I went through the emo stage, but maybe I did for just those few minutes. The thing is, I don't think I used that email for anything. Not even to sign up for random NeoPets or Gaia accounts. I just made it and left it. Kind of like a lot of people and their babies these days.

Does NeoPets still even exist? Like is it still a thing? I know the website and stuff is still up, but do a lot of people still play it?

Wake me up inside

5:48 PM
0 Comments

I carry too much shit

featured

5:00 PM
0 Comments

Being Sick

Life

21 February 2016

Recently I've been getting sick so often. I think I've actually gotten sick once a month ever since like December of last year. I think Junior year is really taking a tole on me, which is funny because I've literally been hella slacking off. Like I literally have done nothing. I feel like I haven't learned anything new from half of my classes (APUSH, HAmLit, and Japanese) this year. I slack off in Biology too, but at least I feel like I'm learning something or another in that class. I honestly don't know how I'm going to do these AP tests. Like I said, taking APUSH was a product of listening to my sister, and for once, I wish I hadn't. Normally it's fine, but this time it was a mistake that I will regret for my entire existence. Well, probably not, but it definitely feels like the worst mistake of my life so far. Then again, I say that about most things. It just feels like such a prolonged failure.

I'm also not sure if I regret quitting piano. I feel like I liked piano but not enough to practice it often enough to justify paying so much for classes. I still remember the day I quit and how much I cried. It was losing something that had been a part of my life for so long. I could tell my piano teacher was so so disappointed in me, and I just didn't know what to do because my dad really wanted me to just quit since I wasn't practicing. Maybe that will be my greatest regret. I feel like I really did have a talent for piano; if only I had the drive to practice more. That seems to be a constant motto in my life. "If only if only if only..." I always say or think things, but I never am able to actually accomplish anything in the end.

Anyway, I went on a huge digression. Basically I've been getting sick really often and it's just pissing me off. These days I feel so tired and unwilling to do anything (even more than usual). I'm pretty sure I gained like 200 pounds, and right now my body feels all sore and stuff. It's disconcerting. I keep thinking, and my dad keeps telling me, that I should exercise more. I always think to myself wow I should just do some jump-roping, but I always end up not doing it. Like I can't find my jump-rope. Even if I could, I would probably jump like 20 times and then give up. I'm just not a very dedicated person. In short, I'm really damn lazy.

I always seem to get sick before/during/after events I'm looking forward to. Like honestly what's the deal with getting sick before a trip, or before a break, or during a break, or during your birthday that also happens to coincide with a break. No bueno.

Today a lady from Girls Who Code called my cell phone to ask me if I was still going to submit my application since the deadline is in like 10 days. I know, and honestly I should have finished it by now seeing as though I started it on the first day possible. I really want to go. I think these people really care—at least they do enough to call me just to make sure I know what's up—so I think it'll be a really enlightening and fun experience. I've never applied and have never gotten into it anyway, so I'm so afraid that I will be rejected since it's my last year. I wanted to apply in 10th grade as well but I only found out about the program after the applications were already due. It was a real struggle.

It's making me anxious because I want to turn in something good, but I'm not my smart and accomplished friends. I'm not Dhanya; I'm not Shuge; I'm not Chung-Min; I'm not any of these people. I don't understand how to search for opportunities. I always wait for things to come to me. My dad always told me when we played tennis that I have to run to the ball because the ball won't just come to me. I need to chase what I want because my dreams won't magically appear in front of me. In that aspect, it's as if I can't run, which isn't exactly far from the literal truth.

I always try to be as genuine as possible in my applications for things because I feel like if I'm not, then that means that, if I get in, I got in based on lies. I want to be there, not only because they think I belong there, but also because I really think I belong there. I think I do belong in all these different places, and I also think that that's the problem. None of these people are going to know who I truly am—as cliche as it sounds. To them, in the beginning, I'm literally just a wall of text and some left aligned formatting above anything else.

It really goes to show how powerful words end up being. Although I don't think I'm a terrible writer, I don't think my writing ever evokes any emotion out of people. It's always pretty generic and boring; it doesn't stand out from a crowd. And isn't that the most important thing? I need my applications to stand out from everybody else, or at least the majority of everybody else. I'm always so astonished when I read something that makes me feel furious, despair, excited, or that floaty feeling you get when the story is over and you are left there alone debating your entire existence, wondering how it was all possible. And I do wonder: how do these writers do that. How do they make me feel such sweeping emotions with just a few words—just 26 letters arranged around in various ways. I want to be able to do that. Even just a little. I want to be able to make someone out there feel something when they read my stupid ramblings.

I don't have many intense troubles in my life. I'm not a very creative person either, so I'm not that great at conjuring interesting stories, whether they end up being true or not. I just always feel like another person's life is so much more interesting, or so much better than mine. But I guess that's most people. Rarely are people ever happy with what they already have. A simple example is when I constantly hear people with straight hair say that they wish they had naturally curly hair and people with curly hair say that they wish they had naturally straight hair. Now, I personally am happy I have straight hair, but I'm not that focused on my looks anyway since there are worse things about my looks than my hair I need to worry about, but I definitely hear a lot of people say various things along those lines.

I don't know how this post diverged so much from just trying to rant about how I've been getting sick so often. But, in the end, I supposed it's all connected in a way.

9:40 PM
0 Comments

Naps

Friendship

17 February 2016

I take naps when I'm tired. But, most of the time, I take naps when I'm sad or angry or anxious. When I'm sleeping nobody can bother me, nor can I feel any emotion. Today should have been a good day since it's my birthday. I'm not even sure if it's a bad day. Yesterday I had my karaoke birthday party, and it was really fun, but after the party, one of my friends (Aditi) slept over. Normally that would have been fine, but I'm not sure if she is mad at me or something. Today at like 7:30 AM, she went home without telling me; in the middle of the night, she went downstairs to sleep on the couch. I already knew that the makeshift bed in my room was a bit too small since she is really tall, so I guess it was more uncomfortable than she let off. I feel bad for that. We should have just slept downstairs. She has slept over before, but I guess, before, the floor-bed my mom set up was more comfortable. Maybe she didn't tell me she was leaving because she didn't want to make it awkward? Or because I was still sleeping? I'm just afraid she's mad/annoyed because she hasn't texted me, even after I texted her a few times already. I even texted the group text with Dhanya and her to ask about our San Francisco trip tomorrow, but neither one replied. The trip is literally tomorrow. Like is it happening?

I felt kind of sad because of that, and I was getting really anxious. Then my mom started talking about her shitty past again when I was trying to watch Prince of Stride, so I just went to sleep. I always regret it when I do it since I basically sleep a whole day away—my birthday this time at that—but I guess what's done is done.

I wonder if we are still going to San Francisco tomorrow. I really want to go. Everything was supposed to be fine. If it messes up, then I guess I should've known seeing as though Aditi and I were talking about how screwed up our friend's lives are becoming.

Yesterday, when we were at karaoke, I jokingly said to Girl C that she should run away one day to live in my basement since her parents are giving her such a hard time. She said that she actually did think of running away just yesterday; she looked so pained. Before even going to karaoke, Girl D suddenly had to leave my preliminary house party. Aditi texted her, and apparently her parents said that she was wasting time. I mean come on, it's break. It's just one day.

Before we went to sleep, Aditi and I talked about how we felt like their lives were spiraling downward. Girl C had said that she was/is hurting herself, and her dumbass boyfriend that we all dislike isn't helping matters. Guy C who confessed to her literally a few days ago isn't really helping things either. Girl D seems to be on the exact same path as Aditi's brother, which is really bad in an emotional sense. Why does everything just suck. We were saying how we wished Girl C could come with us to San Francisco tomorrow instead of going with Guy C and someone else to Valley Fair. I'm sure she's happy to go, so I don't know. Why do I have to watch everyone crash and burn knowing I can't do anything about it. It's like sitting there and watching a train wreck happen in slow motion. I'm not MacGyver; I can't save anyone. I mean it's their parents. What can any of us do but be there. But we can't really be there all the time either. I just don't know. I'm not one of those people.

8:12 PM
0 Comments

This guy in my HAmLit class

Ranting

8 February 2017

Holy shit he annoys me. He raises his hand to answer every question. That's fine. If you want to share your view and learn more, that's good on you. But sometimes I just get so frustrated because every time he says some long winded analysis of The Great Gatsby or whatever, everyone is like holy shit that was so deep. Like I don't think it was that good though? It wasn't actually that "deep" though? Am I crazy??? He always says shit in a voice that gives off an air of 'wow I'm so smart and good at everything'.

Just now he was debating about Obama crying during his speech with this other dude sitting next to him, and he was so adamant that he had a "valid argument even though it's a cynical view" as if having a cynical view is something to be so proud of. I am generally a cynical person, but I don't parade around talking as if I'm the shit and that I'm so special because I'm cynical about things. He literally was going around in circles basically just repeating his argument that 'oh everybody has a decision to cry or not cry. If Obama wanted to cry during his speech, he could have done it, but he also could have easily not done it.' Um okay. I wasn't aware that that was how emotions worked. Are you trying to tell me that every time I've ever cried, I could have just easily willed myself to stop? Maybe other people can, but I'm pretty sure that most people can't. If I could save myself the embarrassment, pity, and disgusting snot every time I cried, don't you think I would do it? His argument was that everything the president does is planned beforehand. Sure, that makes some sense. But why are you SO sure that his tears weren't genuine. Now I'm not saying that they were genuine, but it wouldn't be a stretch to say that they were because, damn, all these bitches should just go into acting; who needs to be president anyway. And then he starts saying how Obama didn't cry when he was talking about other "sad" things. Man what a shocker that sometimes I cry when something as shallow as an anime character dying happens, but I don't cry when thousands of real people die from some earthquake. People don't just cry at every unfortunate event. Emotions are complex things, don't just automatically simplify them to a means of political gain, even if that may be what it is.

What really ticked me off was that he would constantly repeat, "No, but you need to understand", "You must recognize", etc. in that slow patronizing tone that just sets me off. I was internally glaring at him the whole time. His only saving grace is that when he goes off on his long analysis tangents, that means the teacher has less of a chance of calling on me through cold call. It pisses me off even more because it seems like people actually like him, and I just wonder how and why. That sounds really depressing and salty-bitchish but 5real though. Sometimes I just feel like hanging him from the ceiling like Mr. DeRuiter and his damn cape.

2:03 PM
0 Comments

Pages

The Blog of Elaine Wang

Girls Who Code Application and Personality

Leap Day

Obama State of the Union In Class Rhetorical Analysis Warm-up

John Winthrop In Class Rhetorical Analysis Warm-up

Scarlet Letter Literary Analysis

Still crying because Gin is dead

Empathy

That Napping Post

I carry too much shit

Being Sick

Naps

This guy in my HAmLit class

About Me

Follow Us

Labels

Blog Archive

recent posts

Total Pageviews

Popular Posts

Like us on Facebook

Flickr Images