[this is my second intro, my first one was too painful to even read ever so I won't even try going back to those days]

what am i doing with my life

i watch a lot less anime and read a lot less manga (my obsession has largely died out). though i will always keep up with all clamp related anime/manga. 

im not sure you understand. by obsession i mean i would watch the first 3 episodes of every new anime that would come out each season and decide which ones i would continue. i did this with maggie (skype and click play at same time) but i dont think she tried every single one like me. 

its sad but im still proud of having done that. in fact i still check out all the new anime, but i base off what i watch by the summary. 

the thing is, when i hear people around me talk about how great some anime is after its come out for some time already, it hurts me to stay silent. the problem is that i told people (or didnt tell because i have no friends or didnt know it would get so popular) about the anime/manga, but they didnt listen. and later after everyone starts watching it, they come tell ME how great it is. but if i say shit like "ive already watched it since it first started" i get the idea that i sound like a entitled special snowflake. 

dont lie, we all feel annoyed when you like something that started out small and only a few people liked but nobody else did suddenly becomes popular. and you end up just "one of those mainstream people" but you cant say shit about it because then youre a "special snowflake". this rant is stupid 

i agree that just because you started liking something later doesnt mean youre any less of a fan, its just unexplainably annoying when i liked it from the beginning and wasnt the reason they started watching it. its probably possessiveness. also the fact that im not popular enough to persuade others to watch it. 

i really (depends on your definition of really though) like marvel but im sure im no nerd, i barely know what im talking about, i just enjoy watching. i dont read the comics 

i have a problem where its hard for me to watch something completely without spoilers/skipping episodes unless im up to date with it/really like it. basically im really picky. 

i always thought things would last forever. like my obsessions. some stayed i guess but others, especially the ones i thought would stay the longest, didnt. 

i always thought i would stay obsessed with anime/manga forever. my sister specifically told me she was sure it wouldnt. i didnt believe her. 

i always thought i would continue voice chatting with maggie forever. i think it lasted until 7th grade. but eventually the change in schools got the better of it i guess. 

im always shocked when people are nice, like for real nice (well unless they are really good liars). i was going to say 'nice to me', but i dont know if you can call someone who will only initiate conversation with averagely attractive (and up) people nice. what im trying to say is that even if someone is only nice to people more attractive than me, can you really say theyre a nice person. i guess you cant really call them mean either because its not like ive gotten to know them. 

its really jarring though when i hear people talk shit about me because of how i look no matter how many times it happens. i say i dont care because i know i dont care enough. obviously i care to some degree, but in the end what can i do but realize that person's hella rude and get over it. 

im always confused when hot people act like douchebags. why would you do that. you have a head start the moment you walk into the room. before you even do anything youre already better than me. so why would you choose to be mean. 

well its confusing even when a physically unattractive person is rude but its just more confusing when theyre hot. 

its even more confusing when i think about the fact than they are still popular. i mean really, how can you even have friends if you act like such a bitch. its hard to believe that douchebags just congregate and there are really that many rude people that are able to congregate in the first place. because i actually do think some of them are nice people. so do they know some of their friends need to stop and just dont care. or dont know? 

this is really sexist but i basically expect every guy around me to be an asshole. its the typical reasoning of if you have low expectations then you cant be disappointed. i guess this extends to hot girls too. im basically just shocked when anyone hot speaks to me. i would be shocked if it were a hot dinosaur. 

but id rather have the person somehow show the fact theyre an asshat before i decide they arent. because then i raise my expectations and when it turns out theyre an asshat i get exponentially more disappointed than i ever wouldve. its not even like some random person insults you, its like i trusted you and you failed me.

its not even huge trust. i pretty much dont even consider them my friend. just classmates i would speak to. i JUST TRUSTED YOU TO NOT BE A JUDGMENTAL ASSHOLE BITCH. is that so hard to fulfill. how hard is it to be a relatively nice person.

the problem with anime is that i imagine a world where im an amazing anime character but then i realize thats highly improbable (one day there may be legit virtual reality games where you go into stasis or some shit but then again youre still in the real world in the end). so i just feel disappointed.

in fact i usually just imagine that im an amazing person in real life, but that all goes to shit as well so whatever.

why didnt i do anything with myself. i cant draw, sing, program, publicly speak, debate, etc. basically i cant do anything useful. 

idk why my introduction is a huge wall of rant but im just really done with life

my main thought is "if only i were hot" and "if only i were smart" 

id rather be smart than hot though. because im lazy and i cant be reborn a genius and i dont want to work to smartness. just being hot is useless in the end. but i mean really im neither so whatever. in conclusion i wish i were spock.