19 September 2014

I always tell the problems I have in my classes (especially math) to my friends in a way that makes it sound funny, and that I don't really care as much as I do. My math teacher once said in class about how there are some students that silently freak out in the background. I immediately connected it to myself. I was thinking: that's basically me. I'm the person who sits in the back drowning in anxiety because math is so stressful. Everybody only cares about math, if you fail math you're stupid basically. Well that's the Asian way of thinking anyway. I think it's so weird that my friend has a math major for a mom and yet she doesn't seem to be making use of that. My parents can't help me at all on math, and I just started going to a tutor. I really don't think I'm stupid. Yet I feel like I'm going to fail and fall into nothing. I don't want to be that person that doesn't get into any college I apply to. Why can't I just be good enough. I really just want to be able to talk to some teacher at the school about this problem, especially my math teacher, but I don't want to be that whiny kid that can't cope. I know I'll probably just get the answer: "Why don't you just drop down the math analysis?" It really isn't that easy, as I said in my previous post. My best bet is probably the school counselors, I mean, that's what they're there for after all. I don't know. I'm not pretty, smart, anything useful. I just crack jokes at my own expense. In the end, words don't change a thing, it doesn't matter how much you reason it out; if you have a shitty grade you will still keep that shitty grade. I just feel like I'm drowning.