1 January 2016 (OH MY GOD)

Well I could probably say something inspiring about this year, but honestly, it was pretty much just another 365 days. In fact, this year was especially shitty because of junior year. I mean, as I'm going through the motions, I'm not really thinking that much about how much I'm dying, but sometimes it just hits me like BAM BITCH YOU SUCK. And then I'm like okay. I won't even bother making any new year resolutions because, like most people, I never fulfill them anyway. I am just such an uninspiring, unmotivated person. I hate that. Man you'd think I'd know a god damn thing about motivation, diligence, innovation, etc. since I'm surrounded with all these crazy ass people. But I don't, and that sucks. All I want is to live with 200 dogs, 200 cats, and have a really pretty fish-tank and jellyfish tank. Is that so difficult. In fact, I'm already half ready to just move to some godforsaken land in some desolate place and just chill. Make some YouTube videos. Not have to worry about doing integration by parts or substitution or understanding the graph of the fundamental theorem of calculus. Newton's Law. The double angle formula (could never memorize this damn thing ever since 8th grade). If Lincoln did it for the Union or for the black people (but tbh #Lincoln #MVP). I mean sometimes I care because it's interesting, but a lot of the times it's like why can't I just learn in depth one or two things at a time. Yeah, we're supposed to be well-rounded. We're supposed to explore all our options so we know what we like. But man how am I going to know what I want to do if I practically hate damn well everything since I'm mediocre at damn well everything.

Anyway, why do we feel this strange fulfillment of a new year coming. It's like this big thing. I mean we are literally just incrementing (year++ anybody?) some number that we started using to keep track of things. Now, I'm not saying that years aren't important. Trust me, I'd be the last person to oppose counting years. I mean, imagine it: "Hey Olivia, my man, you wanna go see that new Marvel movie that's coming out in, what was it, 27 months?" What the hell is that? Well, to me, it's more like leaving something that you can never go back to. That might just be because I have trouble leaving stuff behind. Which is why my room is such a mess. I always seem to gain some sentimental attachment to my items. It's really bad. I literally sometimes don't throw away the tags to items after taking them off. I don't throw away the receipts I got from buying stuff in Taiwan because I feel like it'll be a long time before I can ever touch those again. I still have water from Yosemite in the water bottle I used for the 8th grade trip. It tasted so good and fresh (might just be the psychological effect). I keep the outside packaging of items I'll probably only get once. I meticulously open presents because I want to keep the wrapping. It's just this feeling that if I throw something away, then I can never take it back. And I'm uncomfortable with that feeling of no return. Which is really bad. How did I even get on this tangent anyway. Oh right, this is why the new year is such a weird thing for me. I don't really know about other people though. Usually it seems to be a reason to "start fresh" or something. I guess it's good to psych yourself up to try and accomplish something, using the new year as an excuse. Also, I'm going to be stuck trying to change my habit of writing 2015 on all my dates. Happens every year.

Speaking of psych, for the past 2 days, I have been on an intense Psych Netflix marathon. My friend always told me how the show is pretty good and how she used to watch it with her brother, but I never really ended up watching it. I only watched some random episode at her house at one point, and I had no idea what was going on. But after starting from episode one, I actually got pretty attached. Sometimes I wish Shawn wasn't such a bitchass though. And sometimes Gus needs to calm down. Lassie also needs to calm down. Regardless, I love them. Sometimes they say some pretty shady shit though.

Anyway, happy new year (or sad new year since school is starting).

#2k16