The Blog of Elaine Wang

27 May 2015

to kill someone.

I feel like that urge is always aimed at one of my parents. They say the stupidest shit that cannot be, for the love of God, "good for me".

It's like they yell at me, and when I refute what they accuse me of, they say, "oh why are you getting mad, nobody is accusing you of anything". hahahhAHAHAHAHAAhasasd

Jesus Christ. It's like they have the memory of a goldfish (except my mom; she always seems to remember everything that happens in the past and constantly goes crazy about it. But I've ranted enough about that.) Actually I'm pretty sure the memory of a goldfish is longer (I think I also read somewhere that that phrase is a myth, but whatever).

I just paused typing for around five minutes. I was imagining a scenario where after my dad says the bullshit he just did, I look him straight in the eye, smile, take the container holding the dried meat outside and while still staring at him and smiling, I open the container and dump the meat out. Then after he comes outside, I throw the container at his face and walk away.

It gave me such a rise of contempt and anger within me thinking about that scenario because I know it can never happen.

I'm just really mad right now, but probably not as much as you might think. My face is perfectly normal right now (besides its usual less than attractiveness), I was even smiling when I wrote out the scenario. I don't know what I'm feeling right now. I'm angry but not as much as I think I should be.

On a side note, I was strongly debating putting the f-word between "the" and "container" above because that's how I was saying it in my head as I typed, but in the end I just changed it back and took it out. I don't know why, but it's really hard for me to say (or in this case type) f-ck out loud where people can see or are listening. I guess it's stupid because this is my blog; basically nobody will read it. It's really weird because many of my friends from middle school that I never expected to use the word occasionally use it now (some of my friends more frequently verbally, and others less frequently, in chats), and I'm always so shocked when I see it/hear it.

14 May 2015

So these days my dad keeps telling me I need to study more and do more work. I know he's obviously right, but it's making me feel anxious.

I don't like to do things that actually probably matter to my life. I like to chill and do nothing and watch stupid amounts of suggested YouTube videos. I'm not one of those ambitious people. I like to have fun even though I only have like 5 friends.

I don't know why I'm so mad at my parents these days. I just feel so annoyed when they talk to me. Especially my dad. All I ever hear about is grades and not failing the PSAT so I can get scholarships. But I'm afraid because I'm no good at standardized testing, and he keeps bringing up my sister who saved hella money because of her scholarship. Now I feel pressured to do well too, but PSAT is literally a one chance thing. And I can't deal with this. I can't deal with not just being smart because I'm lazy. I have a Chemistry quiz tomorrow and I don't know shit as usual because I don't like to study. I don't want to settle for mediocrity, but I do so anyway. It's stupid.

The only reason I want to be rich is so I can do nothing (this is the stupidest, most idealistic thing to say, I know).

So yeah, I'm having a weird shortness of breath right now.

Then again, maybe it's just the weird smell of the 油飯 my mom is cooking.

11 May 2015

So recently (and apparently last year as well, but it never really spread I guess), some people found one of the 9th grade Biology teacher's Facebook and Twitter. He is this like 27-28 year old teacher that a lot of the girls think is attractive. He's only okay, but then again most of the teachers are like 50, so I suppose it makes sense comparatively. Anyway, the Facebook was whatever because adults tend to not write sexual things on their Facebook since their family and co-workers can see it/maybe it was just as sexual, but it was private to non-friends (but there was a screenshot of one of his Facebook posts showing his twitter account so I don't know). The point is, the Twitter was a bit more graphic than you might originally expect from this unassuming Biology teacher (of course this expectation is heavily biased because we tend to see teachers as "purer" then they actually are, given that we know so little about them). "'I have to schedule my gynecologist appointments a half hour early so the doctor can drain all the cum first.' -Your Mom" and "fuck me in the ass cause i love jesus" to state a few examples (though I'm not sure the second one is legit, not that it matters because there are some other equally interesting ones).

I mentioned in a previous post that we always seem to want to know more about teachers because it often feels like their very job is an oxymoron. They are required to be close to you for so long, yet they are so far away in their personal lives. And as I said before, it makes sense for them to have personal lives outside of teaching. But it's weird to see how someone truly thinks when so much of what they can say to you is censored. I honestly wouldn't give a shit if he was just some random 20 something year old guy talking about having had his neighbor call the cops on him because of "rape-like noises" coming from his apartment when he was actually just "tickling" himself really loudly. I still don't really give a shit because he kind of is just some random 20 something year old guy talking about masturbating. But I can't describe it. I guess it's like you are suddenly reminded that people aren't always how they show themselves to be: especially teachers. This could be debatable, but I don't think it's a teacher's job to be your friend; it's their job to teach you (though many fail at both, but that's besides the point).

So is it wrong for people to have found his Twitter/searched for his Twitter? I mean if you put it on the internet publicly you are essentially letting anyone who has half a brain and too much time to find it. Now if the person were to find it and then spread it, would that be wrong? I mean I don't doubt it's legal, but I'm wondering if it's morally wrong. Like if someone were to do something embarrassing and post it on their YouTube, and someone at their school were to find it and spread it, is that wrong? I think it's mean to make fun of people with malicious intent, but I suppose there is a fine line.

Well, the teacher ended up taking his Twitter down (or making it private if you can do that), though you can still see it on way back machine if you wanted to. And today the guy who posted his Twitter on Facebook took down the post as well (the Twitter was taken down really fast, but not before people commented screenshots of his posts). So I don't know if it was administration who told him to do it, or if he just decided he didn't want to spread it more. I mean people have been saying he could be fired for it, but I think that's kind of stupid. Apparently administration checks background and social media before hiring, but his Twitter might have slipped through the cracks. Though anyone, like that freshman, could find it. It's not like what he posted was pedophilic or murderous; it was just sexual. People are sexual, it's not that surprising. But some people see it as giving up certain rights when you become a teacher because you have influence on so many children. You kind of hold their lives in you hands for like 6 hours a week. I don't know. I'm a pretty strange person myself so I don't care that much when people say sexual/questionable things, and I think if your child suddenly decides a stupid joke about incest suddenly means incest is the correct path to take in life, then I have to question your parental capabilities or how much common sense your child has.

1 May 2015

It's tomorrow, and I'm kind of freaking out right now but not really? What I'm most afraid of is seeing a problem I learned how to do but forgot. I just want an 800. But I'm not good at testing. Or math. I think I can do it though. It's just that so many things could go wrong. My friend is taking it tomorrow too, and she's a lot smarter than me in math, so I guess I feel discouraged. Even though I know that makes shit sense. Like how she does isn't going to have any effect on how I do: mutually exclusive and all that shit right. Whatever. But not really 'whatever'. I will care if I don't get 800. I will care so much. It's so frustrating to be so close, but not make it. Like it could of been but you did some stupid ass error, and it becomes all for nothing. Don't tell me a 750, 760, 770, 780, 790 is "fine". It's not fine okay. I'm so mediocre in everything I do. I just want full score on a stupid standardized test that doesn't even really measure your intelligence. I want it because I don't want to let myself down. I don't want to disappoint my teacher and my parents. I'm going to go sleep. Gotta wake up bright and early tomorrow.

1 May 2015

So I've been really into Marvel's Daredevil (the new Netflix one, not the movie) recently, and that, combined with the Cambodian Genocide paper I read in Literature class, got me really thinking again about right and wrong. I don't know what strikes me as so interesting about this topic; I always end up going back to it. I'm not really feeling super passionate about it right now, but sometimes I just get really into it. Like to what extent is the law useful in such a corrupted society. I mean yeah, it's obviously better than people just running around crazy, but I don't really know. The guy from the Cambodian Genocide just got off scot-free (basically) eating Pringles or some shit. The law couldn't punish him for the absolute (and I mean absolute) atrocities he committed. So if someone like Daredevil were to theoretically have gone after him instead, would that be the wrong thing to do? I guess it's kind of different though because in Daredevil, he stops people or gets people he knows are guilty to be noticed by the law to be guilty. However, he never kills anyone. So I'm not really sure. The thing is, Matt Murdock is a blind lawyer (justice is blind, haha...), but at the same time, he's a vigilante. And he tells his friends to use the law. But at the same time, he says that the law can't do everything. And I think that's absolutely true. It seems to me that the key is Daredevil never killed his targets. I really liked a quote said by the church Father:

"Another man's evil does not make you good. Men have used the atrocities of their enemies to justify their own throughout history. So the question you have to ask yourself is... are you struggling with the fact that you don't wanna kill this man... but have to? Or that you don't have to kill him... but want to?"

I don't know why I love it so much, I just do. People at school so often compare themselves to others. Not even just at school. People in general love comparing themselves to other, and then hate on themselves or others afterwards. I'll make a general implied comparison right now: I think I'm the type of person that just goes through life not contributing anything substantial to society. I always think to myself, 'why couldn't I have been born good at everything'. I don't like to have to work hard. I'm a lazy person. I have no idea what I like doing that would actually give me a job.

This blog entry jumped around a lot and didn't really make much sense, but my mind kinda works that way.

Every time I try to articulate my ideas to my Literature teacher, it comes out in some sort of garbled mess with a bunch of "likes" and "um"s, and he ends up staring at me like "wtf are you trying to say??". And then he goes like, "Did you mean....../some insanely eloquent speech, hella flowing prose/.....?". And then I cry because how.

1 May 2015

So I had a crush on this guy in my third grade class that lasted about 3 days (literally, not even joking). It's really weird to think back to it now 'cause it's like why did I even like him. I think it's just 'cause he sat next to me and made me laugh really damn hard about some shit in the History book this one time. Ya'll don't even understand: I was dying. I could not breathe, and it was really awkward 'cause I was in the middle of class. He probably thought I was hella cray. Man sometimes I wish I could go back in time to those easy ass days (with my memories of today).

On a side not, why are some teachers so interesting? I mean you see them everyday but you barely know anything about them. They're kinda just there staring at you for 6 hours a week. Obviously they teach you and stuff (hopefully), but it feels like that's it. I think that's sort of the enigma of these people. You feel like you should know more, given how often you see them, but you don't, so it's weird. Teachers have lives outside of teaching (what a shocker), and it's generally seen as unprofessional to become "friends" with your students when they are still a student in high school. I know teachers that will friend you back on Facebook (given you were of reasonable acquaintance to them) when you graduate, but no sooner. Some teachers won't ever friend you at all no matter what. Makes sense. Anyway, teachers are often so much more intelligent and knowledgeable than you. Maybe you're a genius that's even smarter than your teacher, but life isn't all about book smarts. I think teachers know how interesting they are to students. I have this one teacher that seems to talk about his life, but also skirts around it knowing we will look into it (for example his girlfriend or something). That just adds more to the feeling of curiosity.