The Blog of Elaine Wang

22 February 2016

Okay so just an update on this post even though it was only like three posts ago, but it turns out Aditi wasn't really mad at me, or at least I don't think she was. She just left her charger at my house, so she couldn't reply to any of my texts since her phone was dead. On the other hand, Dhanya was volunteering, so that's why she didn't reply either. So we ended up chatting on Facebook that night to discuss the San Francisco trip. Well, Dhanya ended up saying she couldn't go because her mom had just planned some dinner with some important people, and she (her mom) was also in a bad mood. I honestly don't know why I was disappointed seeing as though Dhanya and Chung Min rarely end up being able to go. I actually don't think, out of the many times I've been to San Francisco with Aditi, either of the two had ever come with us. So I asked Aditi if she wanted to just go with me, but she said she was tired, and the only reason she was still going to go in the first place was that we had planned the trip together in advance, and it would have been a good way to discuss all our troubles. I don't really voice many of my troubles—mostly because I don't have many—so there wouldn't be as much of a pressing reason for just the two of us to go. We've already been to San Francisco together so many times anyway. Still, I was kind of sad since I really like having fun trips, even if I'm tired. Anyway, since it ended up being just us two (again), we decided to hold off on the trip until the next break in April. Though I'm not too sure about that either since AP tests are right after that break. Don't know how it's all going to work out in the end.

School started today, and I feel like dying as usual. This morning, Dhanya texted me and Aditi in the group text saying, "Ugh somebody kill me before I have to go to hell once again". I just replied saying "same", but Aditi was just like, "You can't kill someone that's already dead." That is literally me everyday though. My entire existence is the lyrics to Evanescence's Wake Me Up Inside. Where's the lie. There is none.

On a side note, I was using gmail's email lookup feature where you can look up all the emails you've ever created that is using your main email as a recovery email (in my case, it would be elainetraps15@gmail.com). I actually could not believe. I mean I remember making this email at one point, and now that I think about it, I think it was in response to some other girl's emo ass email address. Like I thought it was cool or something, so I made one too. It's Watch.Me.Forget.About.You@gmail.com. I know. Real classy. Those were dark times, not gonna lie. Feel free to email me there; just don't expect a reply.

I just looked through my contacts to find the girl I based my email off of since all I remembered was that her name is Jenny, but there's like 3000 Jennys. I think she moved to Texas in fifth grade or something. Anyway, I distinctly remember that there was hella strange drama with her and my back-then friend, Justin Lee. It's weird, in elementary school, I was literally close friends/kinda friends with all the to-be popular kids like Maggie Yao, Justin Lee, Kelly Kim, Grace Moon, etc. etc. But all those friendships sort of seemed to just disappear one day. Although I'd like to think that I could still chat up Maggie any time and get a chill response. It's hard to believe everything we'd ever experience would just mean nothing. Enough on that though; I've already mulled on about how sad I get when I think of her way too many times to count. But I digress. Basically, this Jenny (Sui)'s email was/is cant.hear.me.scream.xx@gmail.com. I had decided that that was the coolest shit I'd ever seen, and so came my shitty rip off. I remember actually sitting there trying out new combinations to get one that wasn't taken and still sounded "hip" to me. Man. I never really thought I went through the emo stage, but maybe I did for just those few minutes. The thing is, I don't think I used that email for anything. Not even to sign up for random NeoPets or Gaia accounts. I just made it and left it. Kind of like a lot of people and their babies these days.

Does NeoPets still even exist? Like is it still a thing? I know the website and stuff is still up, but do a lot of people still play it?

Wake me up inside

21 February 2016

Recently I've been getting sick so often. I think I've actually gotten sick once a month ever since like December of last year. I think Junior year is really taking a tole on me, which is funny because I've literally been hella slacking off. Like I literally have done nothing. I feel like I haven't learned anything new from half of my classes (APUSH, HAmLit, and Japanese) this year. I slack off in Biology too, but at least I feel like I'm learning something or another in that class. I honestly don't know how I'm going to do these AP tests. Like I said, taking APUSH was a product of listening to my sister, and for once, I wish I hadn't. Normally it's fine, but this time it was a mistake that I will regret for my entire existence. Well, probably not, but it definitely feels like the worst mistake of my life so far. Then again, I say that about most things. It just feels like such a prolonged failure.

I'm also not sure if I regret quitting piano. I feel like I liked piano but not enough to practice it often enough to justify paying so much for classes. I still remember the day I quit and how much I cried. It was losing something that had been a part of my life for so long. I could tell my piano teacher was so so disappointed in me, and I just didn't know what to do because my dad really wanted me to just quit since I wasn't practicing. Maybe that will be my greatest regret. I feel like I really did have a talent for piano; if only I had the drive to practice more. That seems to be a constant motto in my life. "If only if only if only..." I always say or think things, but I never am able to actually accomplish anything in the end.

Anyway, I went on a huge digression. Basically I've been getting sick really often and it's just pissing me off. These days I feel so tired and unwilling to do anything (even more than usual). I'm pretty sure I gained like 200 pounds, and right now my body feels all sore and stuff. It's disconcerting. I keep thinking, and my dad keeps telling me, that I should exercise more. I always think to myself wow I should just do some jump-roping, but I always end up not doing it. Like I can't find my jump-rope. Even if I could, I would probably jump like 20 times and then give up. I'm just not a very dedicated person. In short, I'm really damn lazy.

I always seem to get sick before/during/after events I'm looking forward to. Like honestly what's the deal with getting sick before a trip, or before a break, or during a break, or during your birthday that also happens to coincide with a break. No bueno.

Today a lady from Girls Who Code called my cell phone to ask me if I was still going to submit my application since the deadline is in like 10 days. I know, and honestly I should have finished it by now seeing as though I started it on the first day possible. I really want to go. I think these people really care—at least they do enough to call me just to make sure I know what's up—so I think it'll be a really enlightening and fun experience. I've never applied and have never gotten into it anyway, so I'm so afraid that I will be rejected since it's my last year. I wanted to apply in 10th grade as well but I only found out about the program after the applications were already due. It was a real struggle.

It's making me anxious because I want to turn in something good, but I'm not my smart and accomplished friends. I'm not Dhanya; I'm not Shuge; I'm not Chung-Min; I'm not any of these people. I don't understand how to search for opportunities. I always wait for things to come to me. My dad always told me when we played tennis that I have to run to the ball because the ball won't just come to me. I need to chase what I want because my dreams won't magically appear in front of me. In that aspect, it's as if I can't run, which isn't exactly far from the literal truth.

I always try to be as genuine as possible in my applications for things because I feel like if I'm not, then that means that, if I get in, I got in based on lies. I want to be there, not only because they think I belong there, but also because I really think I belong there. I think I do belong in all these different places, and I also think that that's the problem. None of these people are going to know who I truly am—as cliche as it sounds. To them, in the beginning, I'm literally just a wall of text and some left aligned formatting above anything else.

It really goes to show how powerful words end up being. Although I don't think I'm a terrible writer, I don't think my writing ever evokes any emotion out of people. It's always pretty generic and boring; it doesn't stand out from a crowd. And isn't that the most important thing? I need my applications to stand out from everybody else, or at least the majority of everybody else. I'm always so astonished when I read something that makes me feel furious, despair, excited, or that floaty feeling you get when the story is over and you are left there alone debating your entire existence, wondering how it was all possible. And I do wonder: how do these writers do that. How do they make me feel such sweeping emotions with just a few words—just 26 letters arranged around in various ways. I want to be able to do that. Even just a little. I want to be able to make someone out there feel something when they read my stupid ramblings.

I don't have many intense troubles in my life. I'm not a very creative person either, so I'm not that great at conjuring interesting stories, whether they end up being true or not. I just always feel like another person's life is so much more interesting, or so much better than mine. But I guess that's most people. Rarely are people ever happy with what they already have. A simple example is when I constantly hear people with straight hair say that they wish they had naturally curly hair and people with curly hair say that they wish they had naturally straight hair. Now, I personally am happy I have straight hair, but I'm not that focused on my looks anyway since there are worse things about my looks than my hair I need to worry about, but I definitely hear a lot of people say various things along those lines.

I don't know how this post diverged so much from just trying to rant about how I've been getting sick so often. But, in the end, I supposed it's all connected in a way.

17 February 2016

I take naps when I'm tired. But, most of the time, I take naps when I'm sad or angry or anxious. When I'm sleeping nobody can bother me, nor can I feel any emotion. Today should have been a good day since it's my birthday. I'm not even sure if it's a bad day. Yesterday I had my karaoke birthday party, and it was really fun, but after the party, one of my friends (Aditi) slept over. Normally that would have been fine, but I'm not sure if she is mad at me or something. Today at like 7:30 AM, she went home without telling me; in the middle of the night, she went downstairs to sleep on the couch. I already knew that the makeshift bed in my room was a bit too small since she is really tall, so I guess it was more uncomfortable than she let off. I feel bad for that. We should have just slept downstairs. She has slept over before, but I guess, before, the floor-bed my mom set up was more comfortable. Maybe she didn't tell me she was leaving because she didn't want to make it awkward? Or because I was still sleeping? I'm just afraid she's mad/annoyed because she hasn't texted me, even after I texted her a few times already. I even texted the group text with Dhanya and her to ask about our San Francisco trip tomorrow, but neither one replied. The trip is literally tomorrow. Like is it happening?

I felt kind of sad because of that, and I was getting really anxious. Then my mom started talking about her shitty past again when I was trying to watch Prince of Stride, so I just went to sleep. I always regret it when I do it since I basically sleep a whole day away—my birthday this time at that—but I guess what's done is done.

I wonder if we are still going to San Francisco tomorrow. I really want to go. Everything was supposed to be fine. If it messes up, then I guess I should've known seeing as though Aditi and I were talking about how screwed up our friend's lives are becoming.

Yesterday, when we were at karaoke, I jokingly said to Girl C that she should run away one day to live in my basement since her parents are giving her such a hard time. She said that she actually did think of running away just yesterday; she looked so pained. Before even going to karaoke, Girl D suddenly had to leave my preliminary house party. Aditi texted her, and apparently her parents said that she was wasting time. I mean come on, it's break. It's just one day.

Before we went to sleep, Aditi and I talked about how we felt like their lives were spiraling downward. Girl C had said that she was/is hurting herself, and her dumbass boyfriend that we all dislike isn't helping matters. Guy C who confessed to her literally a few days ago isn't really helping things either. Girl D seems to be on the exact same path as Aditi's brother, which is really bad in an emotional sense. Why does everything just suck. We were saying how we wished Girl C could come with us to San Francisco tomorrow instead of going with Guy C and someone else to Valley Fair. I'm sure she's happy to go, so I don't know. Why do I have to watch everyone crash and burn knowing I can't do anything about it. It's like sitting there and watching a train wreck happen in slow motion. I'm not MacGyver; I can't save anyone. I mean it's their parents. What can any of us do but be there. But we can't really be there all the time either. I just don't know. I'm not one of those people.

8 February 2017

Holy shit he annoys me. He raises his hand to answer every question. That's fine. If you want to share your view and learn more, that's good on you. But sometimes I just get so frustrated because every time he says some long winded analysis of The Great Gatsby or whatever, everyone is like holy shit that was so deep. Like I don't think it was that good though? It wasn't actually that "deep" though? Am I crazy??? He always says shit in a voice that gives off an air of 'wow I'm so smart and good at everything'.

Just now he was debating about Obama crying during his speech with this other dude sitting next to him, and he was so adamant that he had a "valid argument even though it's a cynical view" as if having a cynical view is something to be so proud of. I am generally a cynical person, but I don't parade around talking as if I'm the shit and that I'm so special because I'm cynical about things. He literally was going around in circles basically just repeating his argument that 'oh everybody has a decision to cry or not cry. If Obama wanted to cry during his speech, he could have done it, but he also could have easily not done it.' Um okay. I wasn't aware that that was how emotions worked. Are you trying to tell me that every time I've ever cried, I could have just easily willed myself to stop? Maybe other people can, but I'm pretty sure that most people can't. If I could save myself the embarrassment, pity, and disgusting snot every time I cried, don't you think I would do it? His argument was that everything the president does is planned beforehand. Sure, that makes some sense. But why are you SO sure that his tears weren't genuine. Now I'm not saying that they were genuine, but it wouldn't be a stretch to say that they were because, damn, all these bitches should just go into acting; who needs to be president anyway. And then he starts saying how Obama didn't cry when he was talking about other "sad" things. Man what a shocker that sometimes I cry when something as shallow as an anime character dying happens, but I don't cry when thousands of real people die from some earthquake. People don't just cry at every unfortunate event. Emotions are complex things, don't just automatically simplify them to a means of political gain, even if that may be what it is.

What really ticked me off was that he would constantly repeat, "No, but you need to understand", "You must recognize", etc. in that slow patronizing tone that just sets me off. I was internally glaring at him the whole time. His only saving grace is that when he goes off on his long analysis tangents, that means the teacher has less of a chance of calling on me through cold call. It pisses me off even more because it seems like people actually like him, and I just wonder how and why. That sounds really depressing and salty-bitchish but 5real though. Sometimes I just feel like hanging him from the ceiling like Mr. DeRuiter and his damn cape.