The Blog of Elaine Wang: College

a small update

2 September 2017 (copied from my medium)

Tonight I hung out with a pretty cool and chill group of people. I hope they enjoyed having me there as much as I enjoyed being there. Something weird is that when we were about to start playing cards against humanity, it turned out one of the guys in the group, John, invited his roommate to play with us too and his roommate turned out to be Aditya Mahadevan(???) the one Shuge and I used to think was annoying back in middle school but really matured to be a pretty chill guy in high school. I was so shocked because I mean wow, what a small world. It’s like witnessing the science of six degrees of separation at work right in front of me.

The other day I met a person called Nate and it turned out their sister goes to school at Northeastern to study Pharmacy like my sister and even knows my sister from a trip to Puerto Rico. Nate actually introduced themself to me as Natalie at first when I asked for their name and also low key came out to me as lesbian in sign language (it was a very interesting, roundabout way of telling me). Then yesterday I hit them up to go to an event at night and I think they implied they’re also non-binary? And when I went to visit their dorm, I saw they whited out their name on the door from Natalie to Nate. So I assume that’s how it is. Anyway, that’s another weird six degrees of separation thing that happened to me. Again, such a small world. Like what is the statistic probability that the person who happens to sit with me at lunch in the dining hall because we are both super awkward around strangers ends up having a sister who goes to the same school as my sister, studies the same major, and also went on a trip to Puerto Rico with my sister. That’s pretty wild.

Things that seem to be completely unrelated grow into something you never expect.

I really hope I don’t just end up being another random person they meet and let go. I like them and I’d love to stay.

Also Aditi replied which makes me feel a bit better too. I think we all just need to focus on our own problems for now. It gets better.

It gets better.

7:15 PM
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homesickness, loneliness, moving on

College

26 August 2017 (copied from my medium)

I have been thinking a lot these past few days. Reading a few articles. Looking into myself.

I know it’s normal to be homesick the first few weeks of college, especially if you go so far away. It’s normal to feel lonely. And I thought it would get better once I got to know a few people. And it kind of did, except I still feel that pain in my chest, that turning of my stomach. It’s knowing that, even if I wanted to speak deeply with someone, there’s no one here I have a strong enough connection with.

It feels like I’m talking just to fill the silence, to advance some arbitrary goal of finding a group to hang around just so I don’t feel like a loner in the crowd of laughing students.

Maybe they’re all thinking the same thing. Or maybe they’ve truly found their new “best” friends already, whatever that means.

It’s weird because it’s relatively easy for me to talk to someone I don’t know when I have someone I know already with me. But when I’m alone, talking to strangers is like climbing a wall that keeps growing each step I take.

Then there’s the issue with Aditi. I don’t know what has been the deal with her this year, but it’s like every conversation I ever have with her leads to something going wrong on her end without any of us ever knowing why. I was simply having a sort of meltdown in which she told me she would always be there for damage control if anything goes wrong and she’ll always be there for me. Come three minutes later she’s deleted her messenger app and has decided she never wants to talk to us again. It’s easy to tell myself I should just stop checking her Twitter all together and subscribe to the idea that ignorance is bliss, but I just can’t bring myself to sit back and relax, knowing there may be something she’s upset with me about. At this point, I don’t even know if she’s upset with me specifically, or if she’s just having her own issues she needs to sort out. I’m not really mad or anything I’m just upset that I might have done something wrong.

I just find, in my unprofessional opinion, that the way she deals with her problems may not be the best. She uses EXO as her escape for a lot of her problems. I get that it has been a huge anchor for her in terms of her anxiety and depression, and I get that we all have our own tactics of escapism, but I don’t think it’s a good idea to latch onto one or two specific things to the point where your life starts to depend on it. Especially when those things have to do with real people. What if one day, god forbid, they disband. Will this whole world view of ‘lol why am I even depressed I don’t need any friends when I have EXO’ just come crumbling down in one fell swoop. Yet now I find myself guilty of feeling those effects with my circle of Monta Vista friends.

I bought tickets to return home during Thanksgiving, and I sent a message to Aditi about it and possibly meeting up, but she hasn’t responded. Don’t really know why I’m surprised, it’s been like this forever. She probably feels more of a connection with Laura and her online friends at this point, and I can’t do anything about it so I need to let it go. She’s also probably looking to make new friends at DeAnza just like we are and not feel like the one being left behind. I can relate to that so I shouldn’t feel bad. Dhanya and Chung Min seem to both be fine with moving on, I need to be fine too.

You always think you’ll stay with these people forever, but in the back of your mind you know that that may not be true. Sure, you could still meet up or shoot a message once in a while, but it’ll never be the same as before. People move on to newer things and people change, that’s just how life is, so I need to move on before I find it’s too late and I’m already miles behind.

Loneliness and homesickness can eat you up inside and make you feel like dying. But you won’t die. Eventually I’ll have to grow up and react to those terrible emotions with something other than panic. Something other than, “all these people are bitches anyway; all I need is Youtube and my old friends”. I can look at myself, almost as if I’ve escaped my body and say, “I’m feeling pretty shitty, but I can and will put it aside and do what I’ve come here to do”. What else is there to do but continue.

You never really know who you’ll become close friends with. Sometimes you feel that connection instantly, but most other times it takes a while to build. All friendships start with tentativeness, as with all relationships. But one day you find that you want to message someone, and someone pops up in your mind. You can never remember that drop of water that made the bucket overflow. The little laughs, jokes, emotions, actions exchanged that built this inherit trust. I wonder if I’ll find someone like that here. Or if my friendships will just be sparse and shallow.

It’s hard but we all become adults one day. Humans are social creatures, but if someone feels they no longer need you in their life anymore, there’s no point in wallowing in despair. I am always willing to take people back because that’s just the way I am, but it’s hard for me to let go. I need to learn to let go. I came here to learn and get a degree, not wallow in despair about one person.

It’s weird thinking about how I’ll be like come November and Thanksgiving break. Will I still be homesick and lonely. Or will it all have passed. Will I just be worrying about my classes? I’m worrying now about meeting up with Aditi, Dhanya, Chung Min because I’m no longer sure if they want to anymore, but I wonder if I’ll be worrying about it then. I think I’m already starting to worry less after writing out all my feelings. Despite my perpetual anger towards my mom, she is still my family and I still end up missing her. I miss my dog. I guess I miss my dad but not as much since he’s usually at work anyway. I miss the friends that still care about me. But maybe they won’t care about me as much after their quarter system college starts. I can’t expect everyone to wait on me forever. We all have our own lives to live. It’s all in the air and I need to prepare myself for it.

In the end, the only person who will always be by your side yourself. Achieve for yourself because nobody cares enough to achieve for you. Maybe even achieve to spite the people who made you feel down. Become a better person and do greater things because you’re alive and you can. Don’t think about killing yourself because a dead you can’t feel happiness or sadness or laugh or cry or sing or shout or dance or create.

Anger can lead to hate can lead to darkness. Feel that anger but don’t hate. I’m angry at her but I won’t hate her because I love her. I’ll love her even if she doesn’t love me even if she doesn’t love herself.

Right now I need to grow, finish my physics prelecture, look at myself, and stay calm.

7:14 PM
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PROBLEMS AS USUAL

College

25 August 2017

Once again, I am here, confused. Yesterday night I was feeling pretty down as with all my days here and was messaging Aditi about it. Basically spilled all my tragic feelings to her. Then when I go shower and come back I see messages in our group chat which is chill. And then just now (next day) I checked twitter and see a string of tweets like 3 minutes after I left to shower about how she never wants to talk to her high school friends again because she feels somehow left behind while we're all having fun in college even though she chose her path herself. And then she says she deleted her messenger app so she'd be less likely to message us and she's content with being the friend who just says hi once in a while. I guess I don't know because I literally just spilled to her minutes ago about how much fun I wasn't having so??? I mean I guess Chung min and Dhanya are having fun like Dhanya has a group she goes to frat parties and gets drunk with already. Chung Min is doing fine. I'm the only one here dying because I can't get it together and make friends. And now the person I told my problems to is like lol i never want to talk to you again, which kind of makes me feel a lot worse? She said she definitely wants to come visit me, and I kind of deflected because I didn't want her to spend this money just to come see me and then have to leave, making me feel even worse and more alone than ever. Maybe she was offended by that? WHO KNOWS. Why is it that anytime I have any sort of conversation with her, it makes her feel more depressed, and then I feel more depressed because I care about her but somehow I hurt her without knowing why.

Sigh. Just when I thought things might be turning up, this happens. Why am I even surprised. Maybe I should have just not messaged her yesterday.

I can also already feel Dhanya drifting away in just like two days. Literally on Wednesday we had a relatively long chat about how we aren't cut out for the party life and RUSHing etc. and like today she's already frat party jumping and avoiding cops. It's like a complete 180. Now our chat is just me saying what she's up to, her answering, me saying it's wild, her saying not really and that like it. There's no more connection. It's like after we stopped having school to rant about, or our mutual struggle with college to rant about, our conversations are suddenly empty. I kind of expected it though. I think she latches onto things really quick and changes really quick, and I suppose she's letting go of high school friends too; like Aditi. This all makes me feel so shitty because it's like I'm the only one who can't let go. It's like I've spent 7 generally happy years (in terms of our relationship) with these people and now I'm just supposed to let go? Maybe if I could actually make friends but it's like I can't even do that. I just feel like everything is slowly drifting away.

10:08 PM
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next attempt

College

5:37 PM
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exhaustion

College

25 August 2017

I never really noticed how much I hate being alone. Not alone per say, but just that feeling of knowing that, even if you wanted to, you wouldn't have anyone to hang out with. Today we had the new student convocation, and yesterday night I asked Swetha about it and she said we should go together because she didn't want to be alone. I wondered about her roommate at this point but didn't really ask about it. Come today, I ask her if she's there, and she says yes but she probably won't be able to find me since the stadium is huge, which I agreed with. She's also with her roommate at this point so I guess she didn't need me anyway. Later after the ceremony is over, there's a huge picnic on the grass and I see everyone sitting with their friends/groups but I don't have anyone to sit with. I messaged Swetha asking her where she is but she doesn't ever reply despite it saying she's active on messenger. So I ended up just sitting kind of with these other two girls but not really because we didn't talk so I was basically just sitting by myself. Then later after walking around and looking at booths because I felt pathetic just sitting on the grass eating alone, I messaged Swetha again giving her a heads up about how the college of engineering (our college) doesn't have a parade today unlike the other colleges. It's only then that she replies to my message with a simple "oh ya". Every time I ask her where she is so I can go meet up with her, she never answers my messages; it's kind of becoming pretty obvious that she doesn't actually want to hang out with me, nor introduce me to her roommate regardless of the many times I've reached out to her about it with her saying something along the lines of "of course!", probably out of courtesy. She also said she'd add me to her group chat but that never happened either. It's never her messaging me, it's always the other way around. It's so exhausting having these one sided messages with someone. I'm not blaming her or anything, you can't really control who you end up wanting to become friends with after all. I think I should just let go and move on to reaching out to someone else.

I'm so tired. I feel like crying. I wish I were better at making friends. I wish people would want to keep talking to me after I talk to them. I'm trying to remember how I made friends before but I can't remember. I wonder if I'm going to become of those depressed college students without a social life. Dhanya already has a group of people from her dorm floor and even went to a frat party and got drunk yesterday night. I really feel so isolated I don't even have a group to follow around. Maybe one day I'll give up caring. I know I should just wait until school actually starts and club day but it's so discouraging seeing everyone else seemingly having a great time with new friends already. I wish I ended up with a roommate so I could at least have a starting point. I wish I didn't feel so alone.

I shouldn't be so surprised. I went through like 10 years of Chinese school, each year with the same exact class of people, without making a single friend. I went through an entire year of Y&G without making a single friend. And I still remember how alone I felt during that year of Y&G meetings and conferences. Now it's like that but everyday for 4 years. I was honestly so shocked when I became friends with Maggie in my third year of Y&G. I don't even remember why we became friends. I don't think many people know that feeling of such deep gratitude for someone just giving you their time of day. It means so much to me because it rarely ever happens.

I think maybe there's something wrong with me that I have so much trouble making friends yet I care so much. Writing this all out, I'm crying alone in my room again. I feel so pathetic. I wish I were more like Dhanya who just changes herself to get what she wants and not be left behind. I wish I were more like Aditi who projects self confidence and loves to party. I wish I were no longer myself; at this point I don't think I would want to be friends with me either.

I don't think I'm smart enough to be alone. I feel like I'd need to form a study group with people. I'm not that lonely genius.

I should stop wishing and start doing.

12:00 PM
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I feel like (I am) crying

College

10:37 PM
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Visiting UIUC

College

11:18 PM
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College Apps and Disappointment

College

1 December 2016

I never really thought about the stress of college apps. I mean I knew I had to do them, but I guess I didn't really care that much because I knew I would get in somewhere fine, and I did. I was kind of afraid, I can't say I wasn't, but it was more the fear that I would disappoint my dad.

I'm hungry.

I'm sort of annoyed right now I don't know why.

It's weird because I never really looked back. I just did all the essays for some college in a day and turned it in without a second opinion. You could say I didn't ask for peer edits because I was afraid of having to spend time changing things, spend time caring more than I wanted to. I just wrote 4 USC essays and turned it in for the Merit Scholarship deadline. They were shitty. Aditi asked me why I'm applying to all these schools if I don't even really want to go, and I'd like to say I don't know but I do know. I'm doing it because I feel like I'd be selling myself short if I didn't. But I don't say that because it clearly doesn't line up with my actions. If I truly thought I was selling myself short I would try harder.

I'm also curious. I wonder if I could do it. There are schools like Stanford which I know won't accept me of all people so I don't apply, but some other schools I still wonder. Like maybe I could make it. It's dumb because the acceptance rate for Computer Science for the schools I'm talking about are pretty much Stanford level anyway. I don't know what I'm doing. I'm really cold right now, my fingers are freezing. I'm having a hard time typing.

I haven't even visited any schools. I'm so dumb. It's probably because I'm afraid of falling in love with a school and then not being accepted. It always comes down to being afraid. I'm always afraid of something.

I've said this numerous times before, but I try not to care and act easygoing because it's so much easier to not be disappointed that way. I can't be disappointed about not getting into Caltech if I say I don't want to go there because it's depressing. I can't be disappointed about not getting into Carnegie Mellon if I convince myself there was no way I was getting in anyway. I can't I can't I can't. I never can.

A friend said she hated that people were telling her how lucky she is for having finished her college apps since it's their own fault they procrastinated. They shame her for stressing out about decisions even though decisions are out of her hand unlike writing the essays.

I was in dance today doing yoga, and I looked in the mirror. I didn't really feel like crying or anything. It was just a feeling of huh. Every dance period I'm forced to look in the mirror. Just because I have to try harder doesn't mean I should give up trying at all.

But its so much harder watching other people.

So much envy.

A pear. An apple. Water. Laughing. Loving. Giving up.

10:34 PM
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The Blog of Elaine Wang

a small update

homesickness, loneliness, moving on

PROBLEMS AS USUAL

next attempt

exhaustion

I feel like (I am) crying

Visiting UIUC

College Apps and Disappointment

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