The Blog of Elaine Wang

13 June 2018

My family will always love me the most. So why do I find myself looking around at others.

Why aren't I that close with my sisters? Why can't I hug my mom like that? Why do their lives look so beautiful?

Such funny questions. I know the answers. Yet I find myself asking them anyway.

Others will always love their family the most. So why do I find myself wishing they would love me like that.

Do I love anyone? Or am I simply afraid of being lonely.

Latching onto anyone who will give me attention, I'm such a fool.

17 August 2017

I've been hanging out with Liz and Olivia a lot this week and it's made me pretty happy. I had thought Olivia was annoyed with me but that's probably because I didn't take the initiative to have conversations with her so it felt like I wasn't really interacting with her at all. So basically it's just my imagination as usual LOL.

Well I was pretty happy until just now when my mom is again making me want to die. Like what is up with her and her kitchen it's like no one but us can use it. Calm down it's just a kitchen. She has the gall to pull this bullshit on me and then continue talking casually to me about her past as if I'll give a shit after she just yelled at me and pissed me off. I'm honestly so in shock at how unreasonable she is. Then again, should I really be shocked anymore given that this issue has been a constant annoyance in my life.

8 February 2017

I wonder if it's a parent's job to make you feel like you're nothing. I know I'm not pretty already, I know, do you really think I don't. I'm glad you don't think I'm pretty either.

I'm crying so much right now.

She asks why we all ended up the same, locking our doors at her. She asks why I don't ever learn the good parts of others and only copy the bad parts. I never lock my door. I never do it unless I'm mad, so don't give me that bullshit. Why do you never praise me for doing something right. You wait for me to do something wrong to tell me I only ever copy bad things from people. Maybe we all ended up the same because we were all raised by you. Why wouldn't I try to avoid someone who makes me feel like shit. That'd be crazy, not that you'd know.

Keep it together.

She says she's only saying this because she's my mom and no one else will say it. I don't need someone to tell me something I tell myself everyday. I'm only telling you you're crazy because no one else will say it. You don't take that too well. Blood relation isn't an excuse to be a shitty person.

Stop banging on my door. Stop blaming my friends. Just stop.

I wish I could be a dog; all dogs are cute.

4 February 2017

A few minutes ago I went on Instagram and felt a sudden wave of dread and loneliness. I started wondering if this particular girl, Rachael, actually doesn't like me. I doubt she has any real opinion of me, but I just wondered anyway. I shouldn't feel this way because I literally spent this entire day with friends. First with Shuge and Elizabeth at HeChaa. Then with Aditi and Dhanya at her house. I laughed a lot today. More than usual. Loud laughter that makes my face scrunch up into weird shapes. Instagram is filled with so many friends, but in a way I think I need to be careful. It's easy for me to start wondering who cares and who doesn't. I wonder if I'm a bother.

The downside to making my Instagram public is that I feel obliged to follow people I know back. I kind of want to tell them that I don't want them to follow me because I feel like I'd be a bother to them since I post so much random spam. It's almost (it is) holding me back from just posting what I want and my thoughts. Yet by making my account public, when they follow me, they already know what they're getting into since they can see my posts, so should I really feel bad? Just now I posted two consecutive posts about the new Fire Emblem mobile game, and I silently apologized and cringed as I did it because I imagined how it could be annoying to regular people out there. In reality I know they probably don't care, but it makes me nervous anyway.

I get nervous easily. I usually stay calm around people I know well, but I am nervous with anything involving strangers/people I'm not close with. I mean outwardly I'm calm because I'm afraid of betraying any emotion to unfamiliar people, but my heart is actually pounding like crazy. Whenever someone asks me to do anything that requires interacting with random people, I want to refuse, but I don't because then I'd feel bad. I don't want to seem like I'm afraid of everything but I am. I want to say I'm not like you but I don't. I know I need to become more comfortable with people in order to progress with my life.

I don't often feel these waves of anxiety, especially in comparison to a lot of my friends. I think I'm a generally happy, relatively stress-free person. Maybe it's because I try to put it off and escape it until it's over. Whenever there's a test, I routinely tell Dhanya that I will simply allow fate to guide me to the holy land, which in many cases is true. But for the Physics test today, I actually studied on Thursday because she had motivated me. It's also probably because I actually kind of knew how to do things. I remember last semester I had tried studying as well, but it was just so discouraging because I would stare at a problem for too many minutes not having a clue how to solve it. Not a shred of any idea. So I would give up.

Last week, when Chung Min was at my house after going to get tea, she asked me how I deal with my stress because I never seem stressed out. I paused to think, but I didn't really know the answer. After debating for a bit, I told her the time when I probably felt the most stressed. I told her about the time in middle school when my mom came into my room, slammed herself into the floor, and started crying, asking me why none of us love her. Chung Min told me that maybe nothing after that was stressful in comparison. I don't think that's true. I think I just tend to run away.

I didn't say anything and just called my dad. I remember feeling hot and my heart beating fast, but I wonder now how much I really cared. I remember coming home to weeks of my mom sitting in the dining room with the TV off and smiling a smile that wasn't really a smile. Talking in a uncomfortably high and soft voice. Randomly hugging me. Staring off into space with a strange look on her face. Constantly pacing back and forth, slapping the sides of her body with her arms. Only one light in the entire house was on. Usually the TV is never off; the house is never so silent. I remember seeing a bowl of completely over mushed 番茄炒蛋. It was like soup. I asked her what happened and she smiled and said she's been absent minded. I don't know why I felt so scared. There was nothing but that bowl of mushy egg and tomato, a dim light on, and her. I wonder what she was doing the whole day in silence while I was out. She would routinely talk about things from the past, paranoia. When asked who told her these things, she said the voices inside her head that don't stop. The voice told her to delete a bunch of photos of us from the computer. Months of this culminated to the situation in my room. My dad took her back to Taiwan for a few weeks to see a doctor and relatives. I remember walking home from Lawson. I don't remember what I was thinking at the time. Maybe I wasn't thinking of anything. I remember a conversation I had with my sister, Grace, about how I just wished everything would go back to the way it used to be when she would just yell at us about things. No weird hugs. No weird smile. No voice trying too hard to be loving and caring. Just normal.

She's definitely better now, but she is often still paranoid and stuck in the past. She and my dad fight a lot. A lot of times I feel bad for my dad, but sometimes I feel bad for my mom.

Today is just one of those days.

8 December 2016

My mom thinks everything we buy for her breaks because we get her shitty stuff. They don't break, she just doesn't know how to use them. I am about to swing. Don't tell me something is broken if I can "fix" it in 2 seconds. She's all like ohhh I took computer classes before I know how to do things. Girl you took them like 20 years ago times have changed clearly you don't know shit so just stop blaming other people for your own damn inadequacies. Literally just ask me can you help me do this and I'll do it. Stop yelling.

30 October 2016

I hate it when people touch my stuff without asking. It makes me feel so irrationally angry. I got my admissions package from Purdue in the mail and she keeps taking it when I'm trying to read it even though she can't even read it. Like what are you staring at it for if you don't even understand English. I'm so salty right now just stop touching my shit. Stop sitting next to me and asking me all these random questions that I don't know the answers to. I don't know what school I'm going to yet okay. Just stop talking to me for a second and leave me alone.

On a more positive note, I went to the Halloween Haunt yesterday. It was pretty fun. I screamed a lot. I basically crashed when I got home though; I was so tired, and my stomach was really tight/uncomfortable from the fear. My heart was literally hurting when I got out of CornStalkers. We're so weird. Why would anyone enjoy being scared, but we do anyway.

18 October 2016

So I've been playing the Pokemon Sun and Moon demo. I don't really know how I feel right now. I mean obviously I love it and I'm super excited for the game, but I don't have that giddy feeling. One reason is probably because I watched a livestream of it so I already know pretty much how it plays out in the beginning, but also because I know there is school and college apps impeding me from enjoying the experience. I can already see myself on November 18th wanting to play the game, probably playing the game, but them getting stressed out because I still need to finish my UC apps and the other random apps that are due in December and January. I'm glad that I'm done with my standardized tests though. I technically only have 2 SAT Subject Tests that I got good scores on because the third one is Chinese and the fourth one is like a 600 something in Chemistry, but I think I'm okay for what I'm aiming for.

I see my friends who aim high and go for these great schools, and I kind of wish I could have that kind of motivation to achieve because at this point I don't really care that much. I'm kind of just okay with whatever comes my way as long as I can live a decent life. I get that there are many opportunities and experiences that you can have if you go to top schools like MIT, Stanford, etc. but seeing as how my life hasn't been crazy, I don't have anything amazing to say, and my grades aren't anywhere near good enough, I don't want to psych myself up for something that is 99% chance not going to happen. I don't even have a great love for these schools either. At one point, I thought Carnegie Mellon was my top school, but now I'm thinking about it, I don't really know if it's my top school. Actually I know it isn't. I mean I would love to get in seeing as though it's top ranked in the major I'm choosing, but I don't have any pressing reason that I absolutely want to go to that school; I don't have any particular emotion or love towards the school.

I'm not even sure if some of my friends have any great love for their top school. One of my friends really wants to go to MIT. Another friend really wants to go to Brown. They both have legitimate reasons why they want to go in terms of their career goals, but they aren't reasons that the schools haven't already heard a million times. I hate the "Why _____" question. I feel like if they give that question, it should at least be optional with a different question as the main essay because honestly, that question is only beneficial if you have some amazing story to tell like how you love waffles or something. Otherwise it's just another bullshit essay we have to write and pretend to care about and another bullshit essay the admissions is forced to read. It's kind of a waste.

I guess it could be a sort of motivation for you to go visit and research and find something you end up loving about the school. But I don't have the motivation to pay a thousand bucks to travel across US seeing as though I don't even care enough about the school in the first place. Who even knows.

Earlier today, my mom started yelling at my oldest sister because she was planning on dying her hair green again. And then she started yelling at me because I told her she cares too much about that stuff. We had this huge fight and now I'm just pissed. I made some damn good points, but of course she's my mom so of course she has to be a bigoted piece of shit that can't even understand basic logic. I would put our entire exchange here but that would just make me more mad and would probably take 3000 years so I'm just going to stop and calm down.

No but really, why do people give a shit when other people dye their hair or get tattoos. My dance teacher dyed her hair and she still looks hot as hell. In fact I think it gives her more character. I don't go like wow, how could a teacher dye their hair that's so unprofessional like give me god damn break it is 2016. Even if it was like 300 BC I still wouldn't give a damn. My AP Biology teacher once told us that she has a dislike for tattoos and whenever she sees someone with tattoos she automatically judges them for it. BUT THEN, she takes a step back and thinks, you know, I don't know their story, I don't know their skills, their personality, IN FACT, WAIT, I DON'T KNOW SHIT, SO HOW ABOUT I CALM THE FUCK DOWN AND STOP BEING A PIECE OF SHIT? Really. Check yourself please.

19 August 2016

I find it often that in Asian culture, children don’t talk about their problems to their parents. I can’t speak for everyone, but this is true in my family. I always find it funny when teachers or counselors at school tell us to explain to our parents our stress, issues, etc. because it just isn’t something my family does. In the end they always tell you that they are doing what they do for your own good. My parents aren’t even that strict compared to some of my friends’ parents, but I still wish I could feel comfortable talking to them when I’m having problems.

In Chinese, the character 忍 means to endure. I noticed that when breaking up the top and bottom characters into 刃 and 心 which mean blade and heart respectively, to endure is effectively symbolized as placing a blade over your heart; in other words, suppressing one’s emotions even though it feels like stabbing yourself with a blade. That is something I found to represent the familial relationships in my culture.

4 June 2016

Every time my mom walks into the room/area I just tense up and feel the mood in the room go to shit. Like I know she's going to sit down on the couch and start talking about bullshit in her past and get really mad about stupid shit and then my dad is going to get mad at my mom for always being so paranoid and being a dumbass in general and then my mom is going to yell at my dad for always getting mad at her even though he's not even that mad and she's the one being such a dumbass and then I get mad internally and it's just so annoying. I can't deal with her bullshit. She always assumes things and thinks she knows what's going on but she actually doesn't know shit?

Banana-chocolate cupcakes

6 August 2015

So my mom is all crazy about how my aunt apparently lied to her about selling her (my aunt's) car. Cause today my aunt's brother told my mom and dad that he sold his car after fixing it, so my mom is all like omg I thought she said she sold her own car. Like why the f do you even care which car they sold. I'm like, oh maybe she said it wrong or you heard wrong, and she literally was like "No. She lied to me". Flat out. I am shocked. But at the same time I'm really not because what did I expect. So I yell at her and say, "yeah you're right everyone is lying to you" just to spite her because that's what she always thinks. I'm trying to show just how ridiculous what she's saying is. And then she has the gall to be like "why would you say that". EXCUSE ME. WHY WOULD I SAY THAT? ARE YOU SERIOUSLY ASKING ME THAT? I SHOULD BE ASKING YOU tHAT you stupid shit. She's the one that always says that everyone is against her and lying to her; I'm just agreeing with her, so she literally has no right to be mad. She's like one of those annoying people that are like "wow I'm so stupid", and when I agree, they're all offended. If you mean it seriously, then why are you expecting me to not agree. If you don't mean it seriously, then you shouldn't be offended. Ugh.

But the real point of all this is why does she even care. It literally does not affect her and it does not affect me what stupid damn car they decided to sell. If she really cares that much then she should just ask my aunt herself. "I thought you said you sold your car." THAT'S IT. OH my god. I bet if I tell her that she'll just say that she doesn't want to because the story will "change" and it'll be her fault again. Jesus Christ save me.