26 August 2017 (copied from my medium)
I have been thinking a lot these past few days. Reading a few articles. Looking into myself.
I know it’s normal to be homesick the first few weeks of college, especially if you go so far away. It’s normal to feel lonely. And I thought it would get better once I got to know a few people. And it kind of did, except I still feel that pain in my chest, that turning of my stomach. It’s knowing that, even if I wanted to speak deeply with someone, there’s no one here I have a strong enough connection with.
It feels like I’m talking just to fill the silence, to advance some arbitrary goal of finding a group to hang around just so I don’t feel like a loner in the crowd of laughing students.
Maybe they’re all thinking the same thing. Or maybe they’ve truly found their new “best” friends already, whatever that means.
It’s weird because it’s relatively easy for me to talk to someone I don’t know when I have someone I know already with me. But when I’m alone, talking to strangers is like climbing a wall that keeps growing each step I take.
Then there’s the issue with Aditi. I don’t know what has been the deal with her this year, but it’s like every conversation I ever have with her leads to something going wrong on her end without any of us ever knowing why. I was simply having a sort of meltdown in which she told me she would always be there for damage control if anything goes wrong and she’ll always be there for me. Come three minutes later she’s deleted her messenger app and has decided she never wants to talk to us again. It’s easy to tell myself I should just stop checking her Twitter all together and subscribe to the idea that ignorance is bliss, but I just can’t bring myself to sit back and relax, knowing there may be something she’s upset with me about. At this point, I don’t even know if she’s upset with me specifically, or if she’s just having her own issues she needs to sort out. I’m not really mad or anything I’m just upset that I might have done something wrong.
I just find, in my unprofessional opinion, that the way she deals with her problems may not be the best. She uses EXO as her escape for a lot of her problems. I get that it has been a huge anchor for her in terms of her anxiety and depression, and I get that we all have our own tactics of escapism, but I don’t think it’s a good idea to latch onto one or two specific things to the point where your life starts to depend on it. Especially when those things have to do with real people. What if one day, god forbid, they disband. Will this whole world view of ‘lol why am I even depressed I don’t need any friends when I have EXO’ just come crumbling down in one fell swoop. Yet now I find myself guilty of feeling those effects with my circle of Monta Vista friends.
I bought tickets to return home during Thanksgiving, and I sent a message to Aditi about it and possibly meeting up, but she hasn’t responded. Don’t really know why I’m surprised, it’s been like this forever. She probably feels more of a connection with Laura and her online friends at this point, and I can’t do anything about it so I need to let it go. She’s also probably looking to make new friends at DeAnza just like we are and not feel like the one being left behind. I can relate to that so I shouldn’t feel bad. Dhanya and Chung Min seem to both be fine with moving on, I need to be fine too.
You always think you’ll stay with these people forever, but in the back of your mind you know that that may not be true. Sure, you could still meet up or shoot a message once in a while, but it’ll never be the same as before. People move on to newer things and people change, that’s just how life is, so I need to move on before I find it’s too late and I’m already miles behind.
Loneliness and homesickness can eat you up inside and make you feel like dying. But you won’t die. Eventually I’ll have to grow up and react to those terrible emotions with something other than panic. Something other than, “all these people are bitches anyway; all I need is Youtube and my old friends”. I can look at myself, almost as if I’ve escaped my body and say, “I’m feeling pretty shitty, but I can and will put it aside and do what I’ve come here to do”. What else is there to do but continue.
You never really know who you’ll become close friends with. Sometimes you feel that connection instantly, but most other times it takes a while to build. All friendships start with tentativeness, as with all relationships. But one day you find that you want to message someone, and someone pops up in your mind. You can never remember that drop of water that made the bucket overflow. The little laughs, jokes, emotions, actions exchanged that built this inherit trust. I wonder if I’ll find someone like that here. Or if my friendships will just be sparse and shallow.
It’s hard but we all become adults one day. Humans are social creatures, but if someone feels they no longer need you in their life anymore, there’s no point in wallowing in despair. I am always willing to take people back because that’s just the way I am, but it’s hard for me to let go. I need to learn to let go. I came here to learn and get a degree, not wallow in despair about one person.
It’s weird thinking about how I’ll be like come November and Thanksgiving break. Will I still be homesick and lonely. Or will it all have passed. Will I just be worrying about my classes? I’m worrying now about meeting up with Aditi, Dhanya, Chung Min because I’m no longer sure if they want to anymore, but I wonder if I’ll be worrying about it then. I think I’m already starting to worry less after writing out all my feelings. Despite my perpetual anger towards my mom, she is still my family and I still end up missing her. I miss my dog. I guess I miss my dad but not as much since he’s usually at work anyway. I miss the friends that still care about me. But maybe they won’t care about me as much after their quarter system college starts. I can’t expect everyone to wait on me forever. We all have our own lives to live. It’s all in the air and I need to prepare myself for it.
In the end, the only person who will always be by your side yourself. Achieve for yourself because nobody cares enough to achieve for you. Maybe even achieve to spite the people who made you feel down. Become a better person and do greater things because you’re alive and you can. Don’t think about killing yourself because a dead you can’t feel happiness or sadness or laugh or cry or sing or shout or dance or create.
Anger can lead to hate can lead to darkness. Feel that anger but don’t hate. I’m angry at her but I won’t hate her because I love her. I’ll love her even if she doesn’t love me even if she doesn’t love herself.
Right now I need to grow, finish my physics prelecture, look at myself, and stay calm.
- 7:14 PM
- 0 Comments
