The Blog of Elaine Wang

12 April 2017

I'm visiting tomorrow and I'm kind of nervous. I'm also kind of annoyed that I have to spend the last 4 days of my break in Illinois. I'm​ already having premonitions of having no friends at college. And my roommate hating me. I wish I could stop.

19 March 2017

I am so relieved right now. The situation has been resolved after what feels like forever. I mean, it's only been a week, but it felt like eons. My heart was literally hurting all the time, like my chest was being sucked into a black hole in my heart. Especially today, as the time got closer and closer to 6 pm. I was so nervous and afraid of what was going to happen. In the end, it wasn't anything crazy. We were able to clear up the way we felt about the situation and we got over it rather quick. Now that it's all in hindsight, I definitely feel like we were all just blowing it out of proportion (my 550000 blog posts haha). I went back and reread them and you can literally see the stages I went through. From guilt to sadness to anger to sadness back to anger to calm and defeat. It really was a dramatic roller coaster ride. We spent a good while talking at Quickly about stupid stuff and then went to Karaoke.

Honestly I would have been shocked if it didn't go well. We've been what I see as close friends for so long that I would have been devastated if something like this broke our friendship. Yet despite this, I was still nervous because there was always that thought in the back of my mind of 'what if what if what if'. I constantly imagined the worst outcome possible, but I'm just glad it's all over now.

Thank god it's all over.

This week was a disaster but I think it's finally starting to look up again.

17 March 2017

I have reread what she replied to me the other day. She said she doesn't hate me she hates herself. I do not doubt what she said. I don't doubt that she doesn't hate me. She said she wants us to just act normally at school or else it'll just make it worse for her. I mean I tried. But you shut down on Thursday, which I don't really blame you for because it's not your fault that you didn't feel like speaking with me. So, again, I guess I'm still upset because despite saying it's your problem to deal with, it clearly isn't since you are still so upset.

A thing with Gauri happened today as well. She messaged Aditi about relaying an apology about being so hard-headed about the movie project. So she relayed the message to me and Dhanya and said that she doesn't want to be making excuses for us and we need to figure it out. At this point I was seeing white and feeling dizzy. This was in the middle of a dumb nutrition presentation during Dance. First because Aditi seemed so passive aggressive about it. Second because it came so out of the blue because nothing that week even involved Gauri so at first I was annoyed as to why she was out there making the situation with Aditi even worse. But then I decided maybe it was because of the bad aura and mood I've been projecting the entire week due to the situation with Aditi that she felt like I was mad at her. So I told Aditi I would just tell Gauri my thought process on the situation during lunch and clarify. So during lunch I told Gauri honestly how frustrated with her I was at first, but that now I'm fine. And after I had a conversation about why I was in such a bad mood this entire week, and that it wasn't because of her, I felt like the annoyance I had for her dissipated. The main problem I had was that it felt like she was not aware of how her overreaction to the whole movie project was stressing me out. But now that it's clear that she does know and I've talked to her about my frustration and we came to an understanding about the situation, it's so much better. I'm glad Dhanya wasn't there for the first part because I started crying halfway through because it's like all the emotion that had been building for the entire week just overflowed.

As much as I rant to Dhanya about school and Physics and whatever, I feel like I could never rant to her about something that would make me cry because she seems like such a non emotional person. I don't blame her for it, she's just different from how I think. I am very chill about school and grades while she is out there wilding, which is nothing that I hold against her. On the other hand, I get so caught up with human relations, but she never really feels as much as I do about it.

Then close to after school, Aditi messaged me and Dhanya that we should meet tomorrow (Saturday) to talk. I was honestly relieved because I felt like I needed to explain my side as well as more adequately understand her side. I'm not exactly sure what I should do though because Dhanya keeps telling me that I should just stay silent and let Aditi yell at us and get over it. I'm having trouble thinking that that's the right way to go because I feel like that's such a fake thing to do. At this point I feel like it would be the most beneficial to make the situation completely crystal clear as to prevent any misunderstandings in the future. She said she'll just show up and listen, but is it really listening if the whole time you're just waiting for the other person to "get over it" while you do nothing? I feel like it's unfair to both me and Aditi if I don't tell her my side and my emotions on the matter because then what really is this entire friendship built on? Lies and pretenses of understanding? Maybe I'll try to talk to her more if Dhanya leaves early. Or if she doesn't I'll just say it regardless if I feel it's appropriate.