The Blog of Elaine Wang

16 September 2016

I am anxious right now and can't fall asleep. I don't really know why I'm anxious. For the most part, today was a happy day. I laughed a lot and it was fun.

Actually I think I do know why I'm anxious. The first biotech club meeting is tomorrow. Normally I'd just be like whatever about it, but now that I'm president this year, I feel so much pressure not to screw up. It's stupid because I know it will probably go fine, but I'm anxious anyway. On one hand, I want a lot of people to show up, but on the other hand, I just want it to be a small group of nice people that I don't have to feel nervous around.

I have an Economics FRQ tomorrow, and I wouldn't be anxious about it but I am because it's on top of the club meeting and I just started thinking about college apps and how I just want all my teachers to get their shit in so I don't have to worry about their side and I can just do my own thing. I don't like the feeling of relying on someone to do something because I'm never sure if they'll actually do it. But I feel bad nagging them about it constantly and it just causes stress in general.

31 August 2016

I told my self a while back that I wanted to change myself because I became afraid of caring too much. I was afraid because I know it hurts so much when you feel like you're the only one that cares.

I decided that I should change because I know that all relationships have a high potential to end, so I might as well make the most of it and just care as deeply as I can in the moment. Because of course it will end up hurting, but that just means it mattered.

Yet now I feel like maybe I shouldn't have tried to change myself. Maybe I shouldn't have tried to actively reach out more to the people I care for. I feel like I was right and maybe I was left to be the only one who cares. The only one who's stressing out.

I wondered if when people ask you for your honest opinion, do they really mean it. My friend Olivia said, no, they never do. I thought that if I were close enough friends with someone, maybe we could overcome that barrier. And maybe I was wrong because I suppose it should be obvious that nobody likes to hear negative things.

There's a point in time where I realized that nobody actually cares about you as much as you think they do. I tried hard to change my mindset because that was a very pessimistic way to think. I decided that people do care, and I should make the most of it. But now I'm thinking that I should have stayed like how I was before because it's happening again where I'm hurting because I let myself care too much.

Aditi says that she doesn't like to be friends with people who are friends with everyone because she gets jealous easily and it makes her feel like she never knows what's actually going on.

I felt like that, but at the same time I didn't.

I feel like that now.

Love is turning into hate and I hate myself for it.

Nobody ever cares about you as much as you think they do.

Do I care about people as much as I think I do?

I wish I didn't.

19 August 2016

I find it often that in Asian culture, children don’t talk about their problems to their parents. I can’t speak for everyone, but this is true in my family. I always find it funny when teachers or counselors at school tell us to explain to our parents our stress, issues, etc. because it just isn’t something my family does. In the end they always tell you that they are doing what they do for your own good. My parents aren’t even that strict compared to some of my friends’ parents, but I still wish I could feel comfortable talking to them when I’m having problems.

In Chinese, the character 忍 means to endure. I noticed that when breaking up the top and bottom characters into 刃 and 心 which mean blade and heart respectively, to endure is effectively symbolized as placing a blade over your heart; in other words, suppressing one’s emotions even though it feels like stabbing yourself with a blade. That is something I found to represent the familial relationships in my culture.