The Blog of Elaine Wang

2 June 2017

There's a girl I met this year that I hate. Do I hate her? Strongly dislike? I don't know anymore.

To this day, I feel there has been no other person that makes me feel such negativity, yet she is not the "meanest" person I've met. More like the most pseudo intellectual yet pretentious and easily offended mess?

In the beginning of the movie project, I thought I was okay with her. I told her as much. During the week I was having issues with Aditi due to the whole Alicia debacle, she decided to message Aditi separately AGAIN this long ass message as usual to pass on the message to us. This of course pissed off Aditi more, like if you have this problem why don't you just ask me instead of instigating an already ongoing issue. So during lunch, I was like okay I used to be like wtf is your deal but now I've decided there are admiral qualities about how hard you work. But as time went on, that quality of hard work slowly devolved into something of a God complex.

In class, she takes the paper from her group mates and insists on only writing down her long points that span the entire page, ignoring the words of others. She believes our literature teacher this year is wrong for not giving her A's on all her essays, saying that clearly Jariwala is grading for the idea and not actually the quality of the writing. I find it so presumptuous and stagnant to believe that you've already reached such greatness that you no longer need to heed the words or critic of an instructor.

When we all said we should write the script together, especially since she was, quote, "pulling her hair out", she insisted (with her usual long, passive aggressive series of messages) that it has to be just her or else the story wouldn't flow. Alicia had actually already written parts of the script as well, and Gauri literally didn't use any of it. She didn't consult us at all in regards to the story's details. She went to talk to Jariwala all the time by herself, and whenever Dhanya asks her what Jariwala said, she just says, "nothing". Like you've met her upwards of 10 times I doubt that's nothing. After this radio silence, she suddenly pulls out a 28 page script (x2) and asks us what we think? I should've just told her the truth then and said it was the most boring thing I've read in my entire existence; but alas I can't imagine how well that would've gone over, seeing her "emotional connection" to her writing and her belief that her writing is so incredible even Jariwala can't judge it.

Her film log was crazy long but she spent the first 2/3rds of it explaining the history of color in film instead of arguing her point. Like I could've figured out the history of color from Wikipedia, what's your point about the film?? Of course she doesn't see that and gets upset at Jariwala for not giving her the grade she wanted. I don't know what she'll do in college. Maybe I would've told her if I gave more shits about her. Like if she even tried to be my friend. Maybe you could say I'm not indifferent to her, since I'm writing this blog post, but I don't think I'm close enough with her to say something like that without it being incredibly uncomfortable. What I don't understand is why she's texted Aditi numerous times that she doesn't think she'll be coming back to sit with us anymore, yet she comes back anyway. If you don't enjoy our company, as you seem to make so clear, then why???

Once when we made plans to go somewhere to eat afterschool, we invited Gauri too, and later she texts Aditi saying she's offended that we invited her so last minute like an afterthought. This is just baffling to me because we had literally made the plan 10 minutes ago. We always do that and she was there as we formed the plan so I mean I guess we were all invited last minute? Keep in mind I didn't know any of this until a bit later because she would always just run to Aditi with these long messages about how she's upset.

She is constantly reading. Now that sounds like a good thing, but as learned from Pokemon's Professor Oak, "there's a time and place for everything, but not now." Whenever we are out having fun together, whether it be at the mall, at a restaurant, getting boba, she never (never) makes an effort to make conversation and instead sits as far away as possible and pulls out her book. I swear she's been reading the same page of that same book for forever; I'm no longer sure if she's even reading it anymore. Fittingly, that book is called The Never Ending Story. I don't understand why she gets scathingly upset when we don't invite her to things because whenever we do invite her, which turned out to be always ever since the incident of Aditi's house party, she always looks bored and starts reading her book. When Aditi was introducing Laura to us and we went to the mall, Laura almost fainted when she saw Gauri open that book and then that got Aditi pissed because she felt like we were leaving a bad impression on Laura as if all her friends are antisocial people.

One could say I didn't try. Maybe I didn't try hard enough. But I wonder the merit of trying so hard for someone that you don't yet have any care or connection to AND who doesn't meet you halfway, or even a quarter of the way, when you try to talk to them. On the bus to senior ball, I tried talking to her about the book she was reading, which she put away for once since she gets dizzy reading on the bus, but literally it was like talking to a brick wall. She didn't even turn to look at me and didn't say any words besides yeah and mhm while staring straight forward, as if willing the conversation to end. Now okay, I could understand if this was the first or second time I've ever spoken to her, but this has been going on for semester and a half. I'm done.

Whenever we sit down at lunch, she sits like 4 feet away from us looking super awkward in the corner. So I always ask her, hey do you want to come closer, which she proceeds to do by moving over one inch. Okay. Dhanya always asks her whats been going on, and every time (EVERY TIME WITH NO EXCEPTION), she says "nothing much" and then pulls out her book.

At senior ball, I asked her three times (count, 1 2 3) if she wanted to come into the photo booth with me to take photos, to which she obviously declines three times. Why did you follow me and Dhanya around everywhere when you literally didn't want to do anything. At first she asked if we could go to the side lobby rooms (no music and brighter) but there were no chairs open so we went back to the dance floor. Then, as usual, she pulled out her book, but she couldn't read because it was too dark and kept visibly covering her ears because the music was too loud. I felt bad so I was like why don't we check again if there are any seats open so we ended up staying on a couch for the rest of senior ball. I literally couldn't do anything that night, or ever, without her following me like a silent shadow, making me feel bad for not interacting with her. Yet whenever I try, I get no real interaction or reaction in return and it's just empty. I just can't take it anymore. Maybe someone else could do better but I really am not that person.

I hate her because she makes me hate how I act. I feel like a bully and a fake. I pretend I'm okay with her, because I was, but then eventually I wasn't. So what do I say now. She told us that she doesn't really have any friends because people think she's pretentious. And I can't help but think, really? You act like the end all be all of literature, and you can't see why other's think you're pretentious? There's another girl called Angeline that I dislike because she is extremely showoffy in all her classes (ie Japanese and Government for me), but the difference is that I acknowledge that she is actually an extremely "smart" person that knows what she's talking about. Not to mention she actually interacts with people. Whenever I listen to Gauri talk, it's like she's oozing pseudo intellectualism. She's trying so hard to sound smart with all her art references, edgy indie films, etc. yet at the end there's no point. I'm not trying to judge people on the classes they take, but she literally dropped Physics, Calc, and all her other classes this year except for Lit and this engineering elective that she readily admits they do nothing in. And she's going into aerospace engineering. I know people go into majors all the time with no experience, but I honestly would've thought she'd want to do Literature. She's never shown any interest in aerospace engineering, but maybe I just don't know shit since she never says shit. I'm not trying to knock her for dropping almost all her classes, like Aditi is only taking a few classes at school this year too, but I just get so ticked off when she acts as though I'm a dumbass just because I don't read as many "intellectual" books or watch as many "respectable" films as her. Like just because you're always reading out in the open, doesn't mean I've never read a book in my life. I can't imagine what she's thinking whenever I mention fanfiction with Dhanya. When I tried talking about the novel I was reading with her on the bus, she completely didn't give any shits as usual, or even pretend to give any shits. Like whenever Aditi talks about EXO or Dhanya talks about Harry Potter, half the time I have no idea what they're talking about but I enjoy the conversation or try to enjoy it, but with this girl I never get any positive reaction from her, or any reaction at all, and it's honestly tragic and draining. Yes, she has anxiety, but at this point she's letting it define her, and maybe I'm wrong for doing so, but I've given up trying to have anything to do with her. I've never had so much trouble with one single person in my life.

I want senior all night party to be fun whether she thinks it's a "bummer" or not.

17 March 2017

I have reread what she replied to me the other day. She said she doesn't hate me she hates herself. I do not doubt what she said. I don't doubt that she doesn't hate me. She said she wants us to just act normally at school or else it'll just make it worse for her. I mean I tried. But you shut down on Thursday, which I don't really blame you for because it's not your fault that you didn't feel like speaking with me. So, again, I guess I'm still upset because despite saying it's your problem to deal with, it clearly isn't since you are still so upset.

A thing with Gauri happened today as well. She messaged Aditi about relaying an apology about being so hard-headed about the movie project. So she relayed the message to me and Dhanya and said that she doesn't want to be making excuses for us and we need to figure it out. At this point I was seeing white and feeling dizzy. This was in the middle of a dumb nutrition presentation during Dance. First because Aditi seemed so passive aggressive about it. Second because it came so out of the blue because nothing that week even involved Gauri so at first I was annoyed as to why she was out there making the situation with Aditi even worse. But then I decided maybe it was because of the bad aura and mood I've been projecting the entire week due to the situation with Aditi that she felt like I was mad at her. So I told Aditi I would just tell Gauri my thought process on the situation during lunch and clarify. So during lunch I told Gauri honestly how frustrated with her I was at first, but that now I'm fine. And after I had a conversation about why I was in such a bad mood this entire week, and that it wasn't because of her, I felt like the annoyance I had for her dissipated. The main problem I had was that it felt like she was not aware of how her overreaction to the whole movie project was stressing me out. But now that it's clear that she does know and I've talked to her about my frustration and we came to an understanding about the situation, it's so much better. I'm glad Dhanya wasn't there for the first part because I started crying halfway through because it's like all the emotion that had been building for the entire week just overflowed.

As much as I rant to Dhanya about school and Physics and whatever, I feel like I could never rant to her about something that would make me cry because she seems like such a non emotional person. I don't blame her for it, she's just different from how I think. I am very chill about school and grades while she is out there wilding, which is nothing that I hold against her. On the other hand, I get so caught up with human relations, but she never really feels as much as I do about it.

Then close to after school, Aditi messaged me and Dhanya that we should meet tomorrow (Saturday) to talk. I was honestly relieved because I felt like I needed to explain my side as well as more adequately understand her side. I'm not exactly sure what I should do though because Dhanya keeps telling me that I should just stay silent and let Aditi yell at us and get over it. I'm having trouble thinking that that's the right way to go because I feel like that's such a fake thing to do. At this point I feel like it would be the most beneficial to make the situation completely crystal clear as to prevent any misunderstandings in the future. She said she'll just show up and listen, but is it really listening if the whole time you're just waiting for the other person to "get over it" while you do nothing? I feel like it's unfair to both me and Aditi if I don't tell her my side and my emotions on the matter because then what really is this entire friendship built on? Lies and pretenses of understanding? Maybe I'll try to talk to her more if Dhanya leaves early. Or if she doesn't I'll just say it regardless if I feel it's appropriate.

8 November 2016

Or lack thereof. I thought we didn't use our phones during lunch that much, and it's true, I don't. Yet two of my friends are constantly doing something on their phone whether it be reading webtoon or watching some show. Like im glad you'd rather do something you can do anytime instead of actually interacting with people. I can't believe me of all people is saying that. I guess I'm just not interesting enough. Whenever Aditi is here, it seems to be better. We talk about stupid things and it's fun, but I'm not fun.

I'm so annoyed right now.

6 November 2016

25 October 2016

This actually happened last Friday (October 21st), but I wasn't really in the mood to blog until now. Basically I got my first acceptance letter(?) from Purdue University. It was an email, but that's not really that important. It was almost the end of the school day, and I wasn't really even think about anything except for the random story we were reading since I have Contemporary Literature last, but then I happened to check my email. It was an email from Purdue Admissions (obviously), but I didn't really think about it and thought it was just one of the random reminders they send you, so my acceptance was pretty sudden. There was no feeling of 'man this email is like opening Pandora's Box, I can't do it, it's too much pressure'. Then again, Purdue has rolling admission and is pretty easy to get into so it wouldn't have been that dramatic regardless, but I was still so happy. I had such a dumb grin on my face. I knew they would be accepting the first batch of people on the 21st but for some reason I thought the 21st was a Saturday, and I didn't expect my decision to come out in the first batch.

I'm checking the email again and it's shocking how unaware I am when I check emails. The subject was literally "Congratulations - You're a Boilermaker!". Flew right by me. I kind of wish I could relive that moment of brief euphoria.

On a different note, I got mail from Northeastern University (my sister's school) and in it there were a bunch of nice looking cute letters and even fake Polaroid pictures. Schools spend so much money just sending nice ass shit to people. Basically the stuff just said thanks for applying to our College of Science, here are some letters typed in that handwriting font from our students and staff etc. I just think it's so funny that they use the handwriting font so you think it's personal but it's obviously a font and mass produced letters so I don't know what they're trying to achieve here. Like why are you sending me this stuff if it isn't an acceptance. And they were writing the letter as if I was going to go already, even before I committed, in fact, even before they accepted me! Imagine I don't get in and just look back at the letters wondering what it was all for.

Bless

Now it's awkward because I don't know if I'm even going to go to Purdue depending on the other schools I get into. My grades aren't that great though, so I doubt I'll get into Georgia Tech, Caltech, Carnegie Mellon, etc.

18 October 2016

So I've been playing the Pokemon Sun and Moon demo. I don't really know how I feel right now. I mean obviously I love it and I'm super excited for the game, but I don't have that giddy feeling. One reason is probably because I watched a livestream of it so I already know pretty much how it plays out in the beginning, but also because I know there is school and college apps impeding me from enjoying the experience. I can already see myself on November 18th wanting to play the game, probably playing the game, but them getting stressed out because I still need to finish my UC apps and the other random apps that are due in December and January. I'm glad that I'm done with my standardized tests though. I technically only have 2 SAT Subject Tests that I got good scores on because the third one is Chinese and the fourth one is like a 600 something in Chemistry, but I think I'm okay for what I'm aiming for.

I see my friends who aim high and go for these great schools, and I kind of wish I could have that kind of motivation to achieve because at this point I don't really care that much. I'm kind of just okay with whatever comes my way as long as I can live a decent life. I get that there are many opportunities and experiences that you can have if you go to top schools like MIT, Stanford, etc. but seeing as how my life hasn't been crazy, I don't have anything amazing to say, and my grades aren't anywhere near good enough, I don't want to psych myself up for something that is 99% chance not going to happen. I don't even have a great love for these schools either. At one point, I thought Carnegie Mellon was my top school, but now I'm thinking about it, I don't really know if it's my top school. Actually I know it isn't. I mean I would love to get in seeing as though it's top ranked in the major I'm choosing, but I don't have any pressing reason that I absolutely want to go to that school; I don't have any particular emotion or love towards the school.

I'm not even sure if some of my friends have any great love for their top school. One of my friends really wants to go to MIT. Another friend really wants to go to Brown. They both have legitimate reasons why they want to go in terms of their career goals, but they aren't reasons that the schools haven't already heard a million times. I hate the "Why _____" question. I feel like if they give that question, it should at least be optional with a different question as the main essay because honestly, that question is only beneficial if you have some amazing story to tell like how you love waffles or something. Otherwise it's just another bullshit essay we have to write and pretend to care about and another bullshit essay the admissions is forced to read. It's kind of a waste.

I guess it could be a sort of motivation for you to go visit and research and find something you end up loving about the school. But I don't have the motivation to pay a thousand bucks to travel across US seeing as though I don't even care enough about the school in the first place. Who even knows.

Earlier today, my mom started yelling at my oldest sister because she was planning on dying her hair green again. And then she started yelling at me because I told her she cares too much about that stuff. We had this huge fight and now I'm just pissed. I made some damn good points, but of course she's my mom so of course she has to be a bigoted piece of shit that can't even understand basic logic. I would put our entire exchange here but that would just make me more mad and would probably take 3000 years so I'm just going to stop and calm down.

No but really, why do people give a shit when other people dye their hair or get tattoos. My dance teacher dyed her hair and she still looks hot as hell. In fact I think it gives her more character. I don't go like wow, how could a teacher dye their hair that's so unprofessional like give me god damn break it is 2016. Even if it was like 300 BC I still wouldn't give a damn. My AP Biology teacher once told us that she has a dislike for tattoos and whenever she sees someone with tattoos she automatically judges them for it. BUT THEN, she takes a step back and thinks, you know, I don't know their story, I don't know their skills, their personality, IN FACT, WAIT, I DON'T KNOW SHIT, SO HOW ABOUT I CALM THE FUCK DOWN AND STOP BEING A PIECE OF SHIT? Really. Check yourself please.

15 October 2016

During dance, we always listen to music in the background while we work out, and since I basically never listen to music on my own, I found so many songs I like from that class. It's weird because she used to play a song called We Don't Talk Anymore and I really liked the cover she played but I can't find that version anywhere. She doesn't seem to play the song anymore though so here I am stuck listening to the original on YouTube. Ugh I'm so annoyed because the version she had was so pretty.

I never realized it before, but it's such an applicable song if you take out all the romantic undertones.

We don't talk anymore, we don't talk anymore
We don't talk anymore, like we used to do
We don't love (laugh?) anymore
What was all of it for?
Oh, we don't talk anymore, like we used to do

I just heard you found the one you've been looking
You've been looking for
I wish I would have known that wasn't me
Cause even after all this time I still wonder
Why I can't move on
Just the way you did so easily

Don't wanna know
What kind of dress you're wearing tonight
If he's holding onto you so tight
The way I did before
I overdosed
Should've known your love was a game
Now I can't get you out of my brain
Oh, it's such a shame

That we don't talk anymore, we don't talk anymore
We don't talk anymore, like we used to do
We don't love anymore
What was all of it for?
Oh, we don't talk anymore, like we used to do

I just hope you're lying next to somebody
Who knows how to love you like me
There must be a good reason that you're gone
Every now and then I think you
Might want me to come show up at your door
But I'm just too afraid that I'll be wrong

Don't wanna know
If you're looking into her eyes
If she's holding onto you so tight the way I did before
I overdosed
Should've known your love was a game
Now I can't get you out of my brain
Oh, it's such a shame

(repeat)

That we don't talk anymore

4 October 2016

I have a Physics test tomorrow and, as usual, I have no idea what is going on. I wonder if I should be going into computer science because people always say you should be good at stuff like math to go into engineering. That makes sense, but I don't really think I'm good at math. I don't get things intuitively when it's taught, I have to think for a while about it, and even then, I don't always understand it. The test tomorrow is about forces, and whenever they give the problem, I just stare at it and have no idea where to start. It's not even like I'm horrible at math or anything, it's just that I'm not good at it either. I hate being average at everything.

I'm also getting pissed off again about life. Like I thought I was chill after a good talk with my friends, but some things just trigger my anger. It's weird how the brain works. How jealousy works. I really just want to go fuck you fuck me fuck this fuck everything and forget it all I'm so annoyed. Like what has that bitch done. Well she's not really a bitch, I like her, but seriously, what have any of these people done?

I was looking at old chats with people and man I said some deep shit. I'm reading some of the stuff I said and I'm shocked like where did this shit come from.

[I wrote this essay as my final assignment of Honors American Literature, which was a personal narrative. Mr. Carpenter wanted us to learn that absolute occurrence is irrelevant as displayed in The Things They Carried. This was the essay I turned in and read to the class. I was unsure of what to write about (as I'm sure we all were), especially because we were all expected to read it out to the class. In the end, I started with a snippet of an idea and words just flowed from there.]