The Blog of Elaine Wang

2 September 2017 (copied from my medium) Tonight I hung out with a pretty cool and chill group of people. I hope they enjoyed having me there as much as I enjoyed being there. Something weird is that when we were about to start playing cards against humanity, it turned out one of the guys in the group, John, invited his roommate to...

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26 August 2017 (copied from my medium) I have been thinking a lot these past few days. Reading a few articles. Looking into myself. I know it’s normal to be homesick the first few weeks of college, especially if you go so far away. It’s normal to feel lonely. And I thought it would get better once I got to know a few...

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25 August 2017 Once again, I am here, confused. Yesterday night I was feeling pretty down as with all my days here and was messaging Aditi about it. Basically spilled all my tragic feelings to her. Then when I go shower and come back I see messages in our group chat which is chill. And then just now (next day) I checked twitter...

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25 August 2017 Decided to reach out to Pallavi just now after debating for a while. I'm so bad at these things. It seems to have gone well so far, but I'm not really sure how it'll play out. I think we'll be meeting for an event tomorrow, hopefully I leave an okay impression and this situation doesn't turn out to be Swetha...

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25 August 2017 I never really noticed how much I hate being alone. Not alone per say, but just that feeling of knowing that, even if you wanted to, you wouldn't have anyone to hang out with. Today we had the new student convocation, and yesterday night I asked Swetha about it and she said we should go together because she didn't want...

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23 August 2017 It's really true when they say you don't know what you have until you lose it. I feel so lonely right now. Even as I told myself just yesterday that I was glad I'm leaving, that was the me who was still sitting in the comfort of my home of 18 years. I'm sitting alone crying in this unfamiliar room...

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17 August 2017 I've been hanging out with Liz and Olivia a lot this week and it's made me pretty happy. I had thought Olivia was annoyed with me but that's probably because I didn't take the initiative to have conversations with her so it felt like I wasn't really interacting with her at all. So basically it's just my imagination as usual...

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10 August 2017 Sometimes I feel like I'm such an unhelpful person. Like when Olivia chats me about stuff and I feel like I should be helpful and supportive I'm always super stumped on what to say. And now I'm randomly afraid she dislikes me because I'm so useless at making helpful and interesting conversation. I don't know, I'm always scared of saying...

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8 August 2017 Yeah so I'm inexplicably sad again at 2 AM. You know, the usual. I just realized that my previous post was literally about this exact same thing haha. The post was even made at 3 AM, an hour later but pretty much the same idea and even about the same person, though I can't remember why anymore since the post...

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31 July 2017 Getting that sudden feeling again where I feel like some of the people who I thought liked me don't actually like me. I mean this isn't the case with people who I'm close friends with, just like the random (well I wouldn't call them random) people that I'm kind of friends with as an association? Like between just classmate and...

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13 July 2017 I kind of expected this because it's what always happens and she's my mom. No matter how much I want to I never can completely hate my mom. I don't know though because she just makes me feel so bad. Telling myself not to expect too much because it's only a matter of time until she blows up again. It's...

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13 July 2017 More like not going anywhere at all. It's confusing because I hate my mom but I also don't really know because she's my mom. There are moments when I'm like well she's okay, but that's almost always washed away by her random outbursts that cause me so much hatred I just want to throw her out the window (or actually...

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5 July 2017 I hate going back to my dad's parent's house. I hate it even more this year because I don't even have Grace with me to make me feel less (or more?) like shit. I walk over and the first thing said is of course about how I'm too fat and, I don't exercise, do I. Also that they don't even...

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4 July 2017 This is such a random post but I need something to keep my mind occupied. I was looking at Gauri's Facebook and she seemed like such a different person in sophomore and junior year. Well not that different, but a lot more outgoing and social? She had a huge group of friends and would actually post on Facebook. So I...

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4 July 2017 One day in Taiwan and I'm already regretting everything. Somehow my mom forgets to bring her stamp which she needs in order to do anything and now she's blaming us for everything. As usual she's bringing up past shit that doesn't even matter anymore just so she can get even more mad while I sit here wanting to run away...

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30 June 2017 So I was on Twitter and Aditi is salty that we (me Chung min and Shuge) snapchatted her while we were hanging out without her? Specifically, "how are my friends gonna Snapchat me while theyre hanging out together without me." I guess I'm just confused? Like I snapchatted Dhanya too and she was fine. She isn't even close with shuge...

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2 June 2017 There's a girl I met this year that I hate. Do I hate her? Strongly dislike? I don't know anymore. To this day, I feel there has been no other person that makes me feel such negativity, yet she is not the "meanest" person I've met. More like the most pseudo intellectual yet pretentious and easily offended mess? In the...

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27 May 2017 Man this really isn't my thing. The first like two-three hours was okay because there were things to do like photobooth and stuff but now I'm just so tired and bored. I'm not really a dance or party person. And so many bodies leads to so much body heat. People are clearly having fun but I just don't see the...

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12 April 2017 I'm visiting tomorrow and I'm kind of nervous. I'm also kind of annoyed that I have to spend the last 4 days of my break in Illinois. I'm​ already having premonitions of having no friends at college. And my roommate hating me. I wish I could stop. 12 April 2017 I'm visiting tomorrow and I'm kind of nervous. I'm also...

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19 March 2017 I am so relieved right now. The situation has been resolved after what feels like forever. I mean, it's only been a week, but it felt like eons. My heart was literally hurting all the time, like my chest was being sucked into a black hole in my heart. Especially today, as the time got closer and closer to 6...

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17 March 2017 I have reread what she replied to me the other day. She said she doesn't hate me she hates herself. I do not doubt what she said. I don't doubt that she doesn't hate me. She said she wants us to just act normally at school or else it'll just make it worse for her. I mean I tried. But...

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16 March 2017 Hello friends it is me once again being salty. You (and I) thought I was done but I'm clearly not. I don't know why I keep checking her Twitter seeing as it has just been filling me with anger. So she just retweeted two vines shading her friends (aka us but who knows if she really considers us friends at...

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14 March 2017 I used to think I had no doubts about this friendship but now I do. She posted on Twitter that her friends don't give a shit about her. I don't know how to feel about it anymore. On one hand she said it's because of her anxiety that she feels this way. But literally the night before we had a...

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13 March 2017 So she's finally replied: "hmm.. its just that idk if yall realize this but 95% pf the time i think you guys hate me and sooo having you guys bring my tormentor there really felt like a personal attack saying that yall really dont care no matter how much i tell you that she makes me uncomfortable" "frankly its whatever...

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13 March 2017 I just woke up from a nap and now I'm even more upset than before. I can't stop thinking about it because she ISN'T REPLYING, WHAT DID I EXPECT so I'm stuck in this limbo of confusion and uncertainty. I already knew she probably wouldn't reply because she's just that type of person and when she's pissed she ignores you,...

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13 March 2017 I feel really shitty right now. For contemporary literature we have a project where we have to make a movie with a group. Normally that would be fine, but I have a girl called Alicia in my group.  Even though I've known her since 9th grade through Japanese, I was still kind of annoyed because I had hoped it would...

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23 February 2017 I just went on a photoshoot for Olivia today for her Valentine Umi and I just feel so unsatisfied with the majority of the photos I took. They feel so boring. I look at the photos these other photographers take and I'm always so impressed by how interesting they look and the amazing techniques/composition. I've looked at my photos so...

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19 February 2017 Even though I made friends this year of Y&G, in some ways I feel worse than last year. Last year I knew nobody cared about me here, so it was normalized. But now I kind of have an expectation for people to care about me. Maybe I'm too needy, but it feels like they only talk to me in order...

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8 February 2017 I wonder if it's a parent's job to make you feel like you're nothing. I know I'm not pretty already, I know, do you really think I don't. I'm glad you don't think I'm pretty either. I'm crying so much right now. She asks why we all ended up the same, locking our doors at her. She asks why I...

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4 February 2017 A few minutes ago I went on Instagram and felt a sudden wave of dread and loneliness. I started wondering if this particular girl, Rachael, actually doesn't like me. I doubt she has any real opinion of me, but I just wondered anyway. I shouldn't feel this way because I literally spent this entire day with friends. First with Shuge...

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