The Blog of Elaine Wang

28 June 2016

I want to feel that feeling that I can do anything. I want to feel it so badly. They say you can do anything if you make it a habit to get there. I'm crying because I want that feeling so much. I want to be like the people I see on Instagram Facebook TV that look like they're able to do anything because the world runs in their favor and I want to feel like that.

I want to feel like there are no worries in the world because I defied the expectations that the world set for me.

I want to feel like I'm the most beautiful I could ever be because I had to try in order to get to where I am.

I want to feel like the person I am in my mind who dances and sings and laughs and plays and runs and jumps and swims and speaks and all the amazing things possible.

I want to feel like I can go to a job interview and smile with confidence that if I don't get it it's because my skill isn't good enough.

I want to feel like the love I have for my friends and feel like how I think they feel at their happiest.

I want to feel all these things and more.

27 June 2016

I think almost everyone already knows about the phenomenon in which we talk about bad things more than the good things. My Biology teacher told us that we should write three things that we are looking forward to/happy about every morning because it would really improve our lives in the long run.

I guess happy things are just boring? It kind of sucks, but it seems like people don't really want to hear about the happy things in life. I mean, I doubt everyone is super sadistic and loves to listen to the stories that make people suffer, but it kind of seems that way. Whenever there's a tragic incident that happens, a lot of people (myself included) scramble to connect themselves to the incident in some way.

"I knew him."

"I was across the street."

"I felt it."

It's okay because it doesn't effect them. We have the tendency to think we are invincible, and during those existential crises we all have, it's kind of unsettling to think how easily we all die. I go through life knowing I'll die at some point, but I don't always actively think about it. Like I'm walking down the stairs at school, and sometimes I just have a sudden thought that 'wow, that dude behind me could just push me and I'd probably die'. I'm walking along a sidewalk and think ' wow, I could just jump to the side and die'. It's weird because sometimes I think I'm not afraid of death, but actually I know I am. I am afraid to die. I am afraid of not knowing what's after death. I'm so accustomed to feeling things as a human, and I just can't imagine being done. Absolutely nothing. Will it feel like sleeping when I'm not dreaming? You wake up and it's kind of like you didn't sleep at all because all those hours just disappeared? Except you don't wake up. But I think it's still different because being dead means your bodily functions have failed you and stopped right? So by then I'm just organic matter. I'm organic matter right now, but I can think so it's weird. I still think it's strange how humans have made so many things like computers and music and all this stuff. I'm wondering how I know how to type this language and read it and know what people mean. It's all just very strange.

Anyway, happy things are boring because they don't really do anything. When I'm sad, afraid, anxious, etc. it's usually for a reason. It's my brain warning me that if I don't do something, something shitty will probably happen. With happy things, it's kind of just validation. I guess we are instinctively more defensive of what we already have because we don't like the feeling of loss. For example, I do homework because if I don't I'll feel anxious because of my grade. Suppose I ended Calculus with an A. I would feel happy for sure, but I mean I already have the A, so why does it matter. Probably for the mental state. But other people don't really care? It's like "Hey man I got an A in math!!!!" "Yayyyy, I'm so happy for you! I knew you could do it!" That's the typical conversation. But that's basically what you expect. Someone tells you they got an A and you say congrats and it's done. There's no feeling of wanting to know more.

I don't really know what I'm trying to say. I just wish everyone could be happier.

4 June 2016

Every time my mom walks into the room/area I just tense up and feel the mood in the room go to shit. Like I know she's going to sit down on the couch and start talking about bullshit in her past and get really mad about stupid shit and then my dad is going to get mad at my mom for always being so paranoid and being a dumbass in general and then my mom is going to yell at my dad for always getting mad at her even though he's not even that mad and she's the one being such a dumbass and then I get mad internally and it's just so annoying. I can't deal with her bullshit. She always assumes things and thinks she knows what's going on but she actually doesn't know shit?