16 March 2015

So my mom was yelling at me about random bullshit again. I'm literally just done with her shit. I don't even care anymore 'cause she's crazy (but obviously I actually still do because I'm human and she's my mom).

A few days ago I was reading El Estoque (my school's monthly magazine), and one of the articles mentioned someone called Ethan. My mind immediately went to the Ethan that died in a bike accident (collision with a truck) at the end of last year. I knew the article wasn't talking about him though. Regardless, the Ethan that passed away was in my class, and so it's so strange to me. I think about it, and he's just gone. Like, I spoke to this person, and now I can never speak to him again even if I wanted to. Almost everyone at my school and even in my classes are just people I see. They are just another student to me. And he was too. He still is, but now he's just a dead one. That sounds really insensitive and mean but it's the truth. I didn't actually care about him, and so I didn't pretend that I cared about him just because he died. Isn't that a shitty thing to do? I mean I think it is: "yeah i didn't give two shits about you, but now I'm sooo sad and of course I totally cared about you now that you're dead! :P". My point is, I find it impossible and arrogant to claim that you care about someone just because they died. Many of these people never even spoke to him. They never thought about him, and they weren't even friends with him. Of course I cared that he died (probably the human sympathy I felt for his family, etc.), but I didn't really care about him. Then again, my definition of care is very strong. A clear sign of my apathy towards others, and in this case specifically him, is my early blog post about douchebags (my rant about hobbes, transportation equaling signalling, etc.). At the end of the post I briefly mentioned the two people I was doing the project with. The popular hot girl and this other guy that was "just there". Ethan was the guy. He happened to be the first person I sat next to in both Literature and History (the project was in history). In Lit. we always do this thing when we change seats: we talk to our partner about anything. After the conversation, I learned that he liked sword art online (haha), and he liked to play some games that I can no longer remember the names of. My point is that I think about him more now that he's dead, and I guess that sucks. I was listening to him when he spoke, but I wasn't actively storing that information. I didn't think I would have to, but now I can never again ask him and find out. That information is literally lost forever. That's what's so strangely creepy to me.

There was also this other thing that happened when he died. People changed their profile pictures on Facebook to something that said something like "Monta Vista Cares" or "Cupertino Cares". All I will say here is that I disagree with it; I've explained why so many times before, and I just don't want to do it again (it's long).

People gradually forgot. Or at least it seems that way. Life goes on for everyone else, and it should. I guess all you have to do is think about it in your mind. Because if they truly cared, they wouldn't have to scream it to the world.