The Blog of Elaine Wang

28 September 2016

I have to take them tomorrow and it's making me nervous. I feel like I'll look so bad in them and I won't even want to put it as my profile picture because it's so unflattering. I am literally the least photogenic person ever. I have such a big face and short neck no collar bones nothing is good about my face or body end me.

I have a friend in my japanese and econ class and she's so nice and cute and pretty and I wanna fly off a cliff because it's so shocking to me that she wants to talk to me. I knows that's a dumb thing to say because people do actually care about personality and it's just my own insecurities but it's just so weird to me because she knows so many people in the class yet she chooses to talk to me. Like normally people aren't mean to me or anything it's just that they kind of avoid talking to me, and I'm usually the person without a partner during those pair off activities. Even my club officers don't seem to like me that much and it's just frustrating to work with people who you aren't sure how informal you can he with. I know that's the nature of things, but sue me for wanting things to be chill.

Another thing that's pissing me off is the fact that we have to drive to this dumb Prestige place 30ish minutes away even though they used to do it at our school. Even that's stressing me out because my mom doesn't like driving to far unfamiliar places so I'm afraid we'll get lost and I'll miss it or something. Or I'll screw up my makeup and everything will be a disaster. I don't know how to smile nicely either like my face gets even bigger when I smile and it casts a weird shadow just kill me.

Also this place is rated 1.6 stars there is no joke someone who left a 7 paragraph review about how shady this place is. And their photos are so overpriced probably because the only time they make money is when highschoolers are forced to take their senior portraits there. My senior friend from last year just got the cheapest one and made prints at Costco.

27 September 2016

In dance we are dancing to the song Medicine. In Contemporary Literature we read Black Man White Woman in a Dark Green Rowboat. I was thinking about these two things today and how it applies to my current feelings.

It's a new day, like all days, when I walk to the river dragging a boat behind me. I wonder to myself how it would feel to float down a river in an upside-down umbrella. But I am not light enough for that, could you even be light enough for that.

Slowly, I push the boat into the river and crawl in, watching the cold, clear water pool around my feet.

The river carries me down stream in a gentle sway, and I look at the abandoned skid of dirt I left behind as it becomes smaller and smaller without my control.

What a perfect river I thought. No rocks no edges just calm. A simple life.

I'm about to lie down and stare into the sky when I see in the corner of my eye a girl crying by the river bank. I am feeling calm today and jump out of the boat into the cold. My feet touch the river bottom and, like a dance, she looks up at me.

A hand extends and we sit together, once again swaying down this calm river.

"What are you doing here?" I ask her.

She tells me about her life, her entire existence, her problems, her everything. 

It feels like we've been floating forever. Laughter in abundance. Yet it seems as though I am losing her and losing my love. Everything appears the same and the river becomes boring. The rhythmic sway is still swaying and I start to become sick. The girl sitting across from me looks boring.

Somewhere along the way, I don't know why (do I?), she starts to cry again. Water fills the boat, and I can't tell if it's saline or the river. 

I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry Why am I sorry

It's not your fault she says, it's mine. I want to feel relief wash over me like a cool wave of water but the water is warm. 

I look away and she's gone. 

A memory surfaces as to why I'm here. A girl from the past and her hand that reached out to me. We sat together on this river and, much the same, she was gone as well. 

On the same river, I reached out to someone else yet, why, again, am I on this river alone. 

24 September 2016

"I'm just waiting for the day she discards me because of her idealistic standards."

Then why does it feel like she discarded me first. I wonder if every day I'll be regretting those words I said that day. I guess this is when I learn the advantage of white lies.

24 September 2016

I feel tension in the air and I hate it. I'm sorry I'm not the person you want me to be. I'm sorry you aren't the person I thought I wanted you to be. This is like her all over again and I thought it would never happen again but here we are. I wish you didn't exist so I could just lay down and die.

24 September 2016

I never really know what to say to people. Literally I lead such a uneventful life. I don't really get all that invested into any one topic to the extent that I actually feel super excited talking about it. Especially because most of the time none of my friends are into those things anyway. Like I really like Pokémon, but I don't know, there isn't much to say about it in the end. A lot of my friends are into cosplay and idols etc. but I'm not, so I kind of just sit around wondering how you could discuss these random girls for so long and not lose interest. I'm just tired because whenever my friends rant to me about these things I don't really mind it but obviously I don't give a shit either because I have no idea what they're talking about. The only thing I can say is I'm sorry. I've probably said that phrase so many times already it's even started to piss me off everytime I say it. Today: My parents are getting divorced: I'm sorry. Some person everyday: I feel like shit: I'm sorry. What am I supposed to do. I send you positive vibes!!!! I mean, what, do you expect me to send negative vibes? I hope you're having a great day!!! Well we've already established it's shitty so what am I gonna do to make it better from the other side of my phone. When I feel shitty, nothing you can do short of making me rich (I am a shallow bitch) is gonna change the shitty day. I don't care if all my friends say they care, I know they care, that's why I consider them my friends; if that's all I needed I wouldn't have shitty days in the first place. In conclusion, this is why I never know what to say and why I feel like so many of my friendships are surface level. There's only so far you can go with just listening.