14 December 2015

So today finals started, and even though I'm pretty damn sure I'm not gonna be able to fix any of my B's, I still feel like I'd regret it if I didn't at least give it a shot. Like McMurphy said, "At least I tried."

Right now I'm mainly talking about the math final that's tomorrow. I was doing the practice tests, and I was just so lost in that feeling of fear and apprehension as I realised that I don't know how to do any of the problems. In the span of a minute, so many thoughts of giving up crossed my mind. I thought, why am I doing any of this. Why does any of this matter if I basically need near perfect on my test to raise my grade to an an A. And as cliché as it sounds, it isn't really about the A anymore. I mean yeah, that would be great since I have 3 Bs right now, but I realise that if I don't figure it out now, I'm going to go through this same grueling process again once the AP test rolls around since the final exam questions are literally from previous AP exams. Not to say that I won't forget it all over break, but like I mentioned earlier, I want to be able to walk out of that class, regardless of what I got, and say, "Well, I tried, didn't I? Goddammit, at least I did that."

It's so hard for me, and I feel like many others, to admit I tried when I fail because that's admitting that I care. That I care and yet it didn't matter because I failed anyway. I mean, shit, we even say we didn't try (whether it's true or not) even when we don't fail. So many times I've heard (and said myself), "oh yeah, I didn't even study." And I think to myself, and what? How great are we to not work hard and still do well? I'll admit that that was me in 9th and 10th grade (+ middle school and still now minus the doing well part), and the affects carry on 'til now. I looked at the people in freshman Biology who worked their asses off, and I scoffed with inner exhilaration because I never studied for freshman Biology. I always did my homework in the beginning of class and finished fast enough to turn it in. I always went in with a blank sheet of paper instead of the assigned cheat-sheet study guide we had to make for each test. I would make it after I finished the test early to get credit. And what? I didn't try, I didn't study, and now, when I really need it, I don't know how. I go home, and I can't study. It's wired into my brain not to, and here I am. I look back and I wish I could be like those people who have that motivation to try. I know I could also gain that mindset if I worked at it, but it just never ends up happening.