9 September 2015

I'm at the first official youth and government meeting right now, and I'm not really sure how I feel. I don't know why I always do this. I always actively isolate myself from the people I'm not familiar with, so I end up being that weird loner without a partner to discuss with, and its just really awkward. I was in the program last year (I seriously bet people couldn't tell), but I had my friend with me. I hate that I always have to rely on other people to feel comfortable. It's really impractical, and I rarely have any fun anywhere alone. I kind of want to join again, but now I'm asking this to myself: Do I truly actually want to join if I'd only do it if my friend joined too? If I really liked the program, You'd think I'd want to join regardless of who else is joining as well. I just really don't want to be alone at Sacramento because that's the conference where you go out to eat with your friends. But unless she joins, I don't have any friends. I'm no good at making new friends either. Everyone already has their own cliques/groups, and if they don't, most people are eventually able to join/make one. I'm not one of those people, sadly. I know I have an extremely defeatist attitude right now, but I just can't bring myself to be outgoing. That's why I want to be attractive. So I won't have this problem. The reason I actively isolate myself from people I don't know is that I'm afraid they won't want to sit next to someone like me. I'm afraid that, in their heads, they're thinking, 'ugh, why her'. I know not everyone thinks like that, and I'm just being paranoid, but I'm still afraid. I don't want to be disappointed, and I guess that's ultimately my downfall.

Also, hotel rooms are going to be awkward.

I'm awkwardly sitting in the bathroom right now typing this as they are discussing the Bernie Sanders free education thing. I don't know.