23 September 2015

I don't know man. Today was the last meeting before you have to turn in your forms, and I'm still so conflicted on my decision. I guess I was hoping that some great revelation would come to me and make the decision for me, but obviously that's wishful thinking. I just feel like whether or not I join won't impact anyone in the delegation because nobody there even really knows me. Even beyonce stopped coming to the meetings so I don't know what I should do. I know I shouldn't always live in hope that someone else will be there for me as that's a surefire way to disappoint yourself, but isn't it also normal to feel lonely in a place where you don't have friends? I wish I was charismatic, and people would want to talk to me instead of the other way around. There was this delegate last year (who graduated) that was just charisma embodied into the shape of a human. Literally I could not believe. He was extremely smart and, at times, aloof, but he wasn't quiet/shy either (in fact, he's really vocal when he wants to say something). I don't know how to describe it. Just everyone, in some way, wanted to be acknowledged by him; it was really weird. He had people he knew there, but a lot of the times you wouldn't see him talking to anyone, you would see him reading a book. Anyway, the point is, he didn't give off that feeling of a person who just wanted to sound smart, he actually was smart, and everyone could feel it in the air. I don't even strive to be like that because I know you need to have a certain personality and air for it: I just want to be the person who knows what the hell is going on because right now I'm unknown and unintelligent so of course people wouldn't want to talk to me. But at least if I were smart then, I don't know, I would have something? Whatever. It's useless to think like this.

I'll see.