The Blog of Elaine Wang

24 September 2015

Can my mom just please shut the hell up. I'm going to implode. I got T-Pumps from school, and my hands were kind of sticky (see: VERY SLIGHTLY sticky), so I took a LITTLE bit of water from my water bottle and poured it on my hand to get the stickiness off. Literally 2 drops of water dripped from my hand and onto my pants. It didn't even drip on the car. It didn't even. And my mom explodes all like "HOW COULD YOU WASH YOUR HANDS ON THE CAR???". And I get it. Maybe I shouldn't have washed my hands on the car. The problem I had was her insane tone. Like chill?? I get if I spilled like hella water, but there was literally two drops. So anyway, I say it's just water, and she blows up again all like "你這麼可以對我那麼兇?!". Kind of like "how can you speak so meanly to me", but it doesn't exactly mean "mean": because it's her who said it, it has a connotation of "I'm your mom, how dare you talk back to me". I just don't understand why she's making such a big deal out of it. She started spinning out of control and comparing me to my friend's little brother (???) and how he hit her in the face with a ball before and never apologized and asked me if I wanted to be like that. Like ????????????? pls? Then she starts saying, "Oh just cause you always say you're SO smart doesn't mean you can always act like you're right. Are you always this rude to everyone?!" First of all, I never seriously (jokingly I do of course, but it's called a joke for a reason) say that I'm super smart because I know I'm not. Second of all, if I think someone is wrong and I actually give a shit about them, hell yeah I call them out on it, but the key is that I don't do it in a way that makes them feel confronted or lesser. Basically, just because you reply with a statement the person doesn't agree with, doesn't make you "rude". If she had just told me calmly that I shouldn't wash my hands on the car, then okay. Maybe I would have, again, offhandedly replied that it was just water, and I didn't get any on the car, in which she would say that it's obviously dirty water if I used it to wash sugar off my hand, and we could have just had a civilized conversation. That's what I wish could happen at least. I'm so frustrated right now. Now I have to ignore her because I'm childish, and I'm not really in the mood to talk to crazy moms.

9 September 2015

I'm at the first official youth and government meeting right now, and I'm not really sure how I feel. I don't know why I always do this. I always actively isolate myself from the people I'm not familiar with, so I end up being that weird loner without a partner to discuss with, and its just really awkward. I was in the program last year (I seriously bet people couldn't tell), but I had my friend with me. I hate that I always have to rely on other people to feel comfortable. It's really impractical, and I rarely have any fun anywhere alone. I kind of want to join again, but now I'm asking this to myself: Do I truly actually want to join if I'd only do it if my friend joined too? If I really liked the program, You'd think I'd want to join regardless of who else is joining as well. I just really don't want to be alone at Sacramento because that's the conference where you go out to eat with your friends. But unless she joins, I don't have any friends. I'm no good at making new friends either. Everyone already has their own cliques/groups, and if they don't, most people are eventually able to join/make one. I'm not one of those people, sadly. I know I have an extremely defeatist attitude right now, but I just can't bring myself to be outgoing. That's why I want to be attractive. So I won't have this problem. The reason I actively isolate myself from people I don't know is that I'm afraid they won't want to sit next to someone like me. I'm afraid that, in their heads, they're thinking, 'ugh, why her'. I know not everyone thinks like that, and I'm just being paranoid, but I'm still afraid. I don't want to be disappointed, and I guess that's ultimately my downfall.

Also, hotel rooms are going to be awkward.

I'm awkwardly sitting in the bathroom right now typing this as they are discussing the Bernie Sanders free education thing. I don't know.