The Blog of Elaine Wang

18 June 2018

Think for one moment that you're better than yourself. Relish in that unadulterated glory and pride. Then stop.

Stop. But don't collapse under yourself like you might want to. Under all that pressure of feeling like nothing after everything. All that self prescribed stress of not being good enough.

Continue to relish that feeling of glory, knowing that you will one day reach it. This pain is temporary; the pain of regret is forever.

Think for one moment that you're better than yourself.

Become better than yourself.

15 June 2018

Just one more glance, I told myself. This is the end. But reality is different.

I hate feeling pain, but if you'd saw me then, you'd think otherwise. Why did I sit in an unending storm with an unopened umbrella.

Seemingly for no reason, tears would fall. You would wipe them away without even knowing why.

I wish I had given you the memory of a girl laughing. But when you think back now, all you'll see is sadness.

When I think of you now, the pain is dull. I used to feel an immature, starry-eyed love, but now all I feel is tired.

When I thought of the girl you love, I felt jealousy. But now I laugh at how simple I am. Isn't it natural?

I used to be angry at you. For playing with my heart in innocent ignorance. You love her, so you should know how I feel. Yet why do I feel that your head is in the clouds.

"Everyone has the strength to overcome these feelings." You say these obvious words while separating yourself from the situation.

Are you an outsider looking at me falling in love with a different version of you? I wish you wouldn't believe you understand.

I will smile at you from now on.

Even if it's a lie.

So I can be happy.

"don't be sorry. i chose to suffer this pain with you, so don't be sorry."

thank you

"never treat everyone the same because one day you will hurt someone"

how much i forced myself to change to hide what it was

i gave up too much of myself

feel pain,

but be happy,

make others happy

"i can tell you anything, but the only one who can solve your problems is yourself"

i know

ive grown to look for that laugh despite wishing now to hate it

is it a lie to laugh at something that isnt funny

"once they know you love them, they stop feeding the fish"

everyone lies

"i lied to protect you"

they had nothing to lose,

"you would be the one to suffer the most"

thank you

almost anyone will listen to you when you're sad,

but those that love you will listen when you're happy

this meeting wasn't unfortunate,

i just disagree

"no one can truly understand you more than you understand yourself"

you tried but you failed

"if it was you, how would it be"

"if these crazy days became yours"

"even my dreams are painful"

too much empathy

has made me crazy

do you care how im doing these days

that i cannot sleep nor swallow

even though i know you're looking somewhere else

"if i were you, i would just love me"

when will i love me

"they say you'll be happy"

"who said that,

because i only know a love that looks at you from behind"

i already know the answer yet i pretend not to

and linger

i stand out of this line i'll never cross

be vulnerable but never too much

i was a bug lured in by the light of the moon,

not knowing it would set me on fire

13 June 2018

My family will always love me the most. So why do I find myself looking around at others.

Why aren't I that close with my sisters? Why can't I hug my mom like that? Why do their lives look so beautiful?

Such funny questions. I know the answers. Yet I find myself asking them anyway.

Others will always love their family the most. So why do I find myself wishing they would love me like that.

Do I love anyone? Or am I simply afraid of being lonely.

Latching onto anyone who will give me attention, I'm such a fool.