The Blog of Elaine Wang

8 December 2016

My mom thinks everything we buy for her breaks because we get her shitty stuff. They don't break, she just doesn't know how to use them. I am about to swing. Don't tell me something is broken if I can "fix" it in 2 seconds. She's all like ohhh I took computer classes before I know how to do things. Girl you took them like 20 years ago times have changed clearly you don't know shit so just stop blaming other people for your own damn inadequacies. Literally just ask me can you help me do this and I'll do it. Stop yelling.

3 December 2016

「我很美我很美我很美我很美 沒有什麼事能把我這大美女打倒」-a beautiful girl

What does it take to be satisfied.

I take a glimpse into the lives of others, they look so perfect and far away, yet still must convince themselves they are beautiful.

I feel anger for what I don't have. Can I ever convince myself that I'm beautiful. Say it four times or don't, it's true either way. Say it never say it once, it's false either way.

Am I truly deserving of this emotion seeing as though I am still. It's so easy to give up. One day. Half a day. A minute. A second. One jump. Two jumps. My heart feels like a heavy rock. It's not the heart it's the legs. The feet. Stop.

Lie in my bed and stare at the sky past the ceiling. Look past the city lights at the stars. Remain in fantasy.

The alarm rings, and I'm pulled out into the world where people are beautiful.

1 December 2016

I never really thought about the stress of college apps. I mean I knew I had to do them, but I guess I didn't really care that much because I knew I would get in somewhere fine, and I did. I was kind of afraid, I can't say I wasn't, but it was more the fear that I would disappoint my dad.

I'm hungry.

I'm sort of annoyed right now I don't know why.

It's weird because I never really looked back. I just did all the essays for some college in a day and turned it in without a second opinion. You could say I didn't ask for peer edits because I was afraid of having to spend time changing things, spend time caring more than I wanted to. I just wrote 4 USC essays and turned it in for the Merit Scholarship deadline. They were shitty. Aditi asked me why I'm applying to all these schools if I don't even really want to go, and I'd like to say I don't know but I do know. I'm doing it because I feel like I'd be selling myself short if I didn't. But I don't say that because it clearly doesn't line up with my actions. If I truly thought I was selling myself short I would try harder.

I'm also curious. I wonder if I could do it. There are schools like Stanford which I know won't accept me of all people so I don't apply, but some other schools I still wonder. Like maybe I could make it. It's dumb because the acceptance rate for Computer Science for the schools I'm talking about are pretty much Stanford level anyway. I don't know what I'm doing. I'm really cold right now, my fingers are freezing. I'm having a hard time typing.

I haven't even visited any schools. I'm so dumb. It's probably because I'm afraid of falling in love with a school and then not being accepted. It always comes down to being afraid. I'm always afraid of something.

I've said this numerous times before, but I try not to care and act easygoing because it's so much easier to not be disappointed that way. I can't be disappointed about not getting into Caltech if I say I don't want to go there because it's depressing. I can't be disappointed about not getting into Carnegie Mellon if I convince myself there was no way I was getting in anyway. I can't I can't I can't. I never can.

A friend said she hated that people were telling her how lucky she is for having finished her college apps since it's their own fault they procrastinated. They shame her for stressing out about decisions even though decisions are out of her hand unlike writing the essays.

I was in dance today doing yoga, and I looked in the mirror. I didn't really feel like crying or anything. It was just a feeling of huh. Every dance period I'm forced to look in the mirror. Just because I have to try harder doesn't mean I should give up trying at all.

But its so much harder watching other people.

So much envy.

A pear. An apple. Water. Laughing. Loving. Giving up.