The Blog of Elaine Wang

19 March 2017

I am so relieved right now. The situation has been resolved after what feels like forever. I mean, it's only been a week, but it felt like eons. My heart was literally hurting all the time, like my chest was being sucked into a black hole in my heart. Especially today, as the time got closer and closer to 6 pm. I was so nervous and afraid of what was going to happen. In the end, it wasn't anything crazy. We were able to clear up the way we felt about the situation and we got over it rather quick. Now that it's all in hindsight, I definitely feel like we were all just blowing it out of proportion (my 550000 blog posts haha). I went back and reread them and you can literally see the stages I went through. From guilt to sadness to anger to sadness back to anger to calm and defeat. It really was a dramatic roller coaster ride. We spent a good while talking at Quickly about stupid stuff and then went to Karaoke.

Honestly I would have been shocked if it didn't go well. We've been what I see as close friends for so long that I would have been devastated if something like this broke our friendship. Yet despite this, I was still nervous because there was always that thought in the back of my mind of 'what if what if what if'. I constantly imagined the worst outcome possible, but I'm just glad it's all over now.

Thank god it's all over.

This week was a disaster but I think it's finally starting to look up again.

17 March 2017

I have reread what she replied to me the other day. She said she doesn't hate me she hates herself. I do not doubt what she said. I don't doubt that she doesn't hate me. She said she wants us to just act normally at school or else it'll just make it worse for her. I mean I tried. But you shut down on Thursday, which I don't really blame you for because it's not your fault that you didn't feel like speaking with me. So, again, I guess I'm still upset because despite saying it's your problem to deal with, it clearly isn't since you are still so upset.

A thing with Gauri happened today as well. She messaged Aditi about relaying an apology about being so hard-headed about the movie project. So she relayed the message to me and Dhanya and said that she doesn't want to be making excuses for us and we need to figure it out. At this point I was seeing white and feeling dizzy. This was in the middle of a dumb nutrition presentation during Dance. First because Aditi seemed so passive aggressive about it. Second because it came so out of the blue because nothing that week even involved Gauri so at first I was annoyed as to why she was out there making the situation with Aditi even worse. But then I decided maybe it was because of the bad aura and mood I've been projecting the entire week due to the situation with Aditi that she felt like I was mad at her. So I told Aditi I would just tell Gauri my thought process on the situation during lunch and clarify. So during lunch I told Gauri honestly how frustrated with her I was at first, but that now I'm fine. And after I had a conversation about why I was in such a bad mood this entire week, and that it wasn't because of her, I felt like the annoyance I had for her dissipated. The main problem I had was that it felt like she was not aware of how her overreaction to the whole movie project was stressing me out. But now that it's clear that she does know and I've talked to her about my frustration and we came to an understanding about the situation, it's so much better. I'm glad Dhanya wasn't there for the first part because I started crying halfway through because it's like all the emotion that had been building for the entire week just overflowed.

As much as I rant to Dhanya about school and Physics and whatever, I feel like I could never rant to her about something that would make me cry because she seems like such a non emotional person. I don't blame her for it, she's just different from how I think. I am very chill about school and grades while she is out there wilding, which is nothing that I hold against her. On the other hand, I get so caught up with human relations, but she never really feels as much as I do about it.

Then close to after school, Aditi messaged me and Dhanya that we should meet tomorrow (Saturday) to talk. I was honestly relieved because I felt like I needed to explain my side as well as more adequately understand her side. I'm not exactly sure what I should do though because Dhanya keeps telling me that I should just stay silent and let Aditi yell at us and get over it. I'm having trouble thinking that that's the right way to go because I feel like that's such a fake thing to do. At this point I feel like it would be the most beneficial to make the situation completely crystal clear as to prevent any misunderstandings in the future. She said she'll just show up and listen, but is it really listening if the whole time you're just waiting for the other person to "get over it" while you do nothing? I feel like it's unfair to both me and Aditi if I don't tell her my side and my emotions on the matter because then what really is this entire friendship built on? Lies and pretenses of understanding? Maybe I'll try to talk to her more if Dhanya leaves early. Or if she doesn't I'll just say it regardless if I feel it's appropriate.

13 March 2017

So she's finally replied:
"hmm.. its just that idk if yall realize this but 95% pf the time i think you guys hate me and sooo having you guys bring my tormentor there really felt like a personal attack saying that yall really dont care no matter how much i tell you that she makes me uncomfortable"

"frankly its whatever dont worry about it i need to get over it myself"

I guess I'm kind of shocked? Even though I also sometimes feel like some people I know actually hate me, I've never felt that way with Aditi. So I never thought she would feel that way about me. Wow I feel like I've failed. Like I'm that bad of a friend that she thinks I hate her 95% of the time.

I guess I thought I'd feel better after she replied but I still feel pretty bad.

What did I really expect.

I've mostly calmed down now though. Lol looking back at my past two entries I was so pissed. Confusion and uncertainty really gets to me.

Reply part two:
"my anxiety makes me think that way....thats why i never come to school lol i literally believe that everyone hates me its not just you guys... like i told this to chungmin the other day and when she told me she didnt hate me i was literally shook like it had never even occurred to me that that yall dont hate me lmao. i don't hate you i hate myself and i am so clingy and annoying i feel like i like you guys too much and no one really likes me so these things hurt a lot more than they should so . yeah thats how my anxiety works essentially"

"you don't have to over think it its just something that happens... i'm surprised it hasnt happened before in front of you guys. you dont need to over think it, frankly the whole ~alicia situation~ is the only thing that i need yall to accommodate me for. i can handle the rest so just please don't worry about it or be awkward because that'll make it worse for me"

I think I understand more now. I kind of feel like some of what I wrote in my previous entries are moot, but I think I should just keep it as a record of my thoughts.

13 March 2017

I just woke up from a nap and now I'm even more upset than before. I can't stop thinking about it because she ISN'T REPLYING, WHAT DID I EXPECT so I'm stuck in this limbo of confusion and uncertainty. I already knew she probably wouldn't reply because she's just that type of person and when she's pissed she ignores you, but I still feel like shit. I hate when people act as though they can say something so hurtful and then leave it hanging. Maybe your other friends don't care that much when you ignore them but I wallow. You know I wallow because this has happened before with someone else and I literally spent months feeling shitty about it and telling you how shitty I felt about it. You know how much that affected me so I can't. I'm just sad because I feel like I don't know why she's so pissed. She said she wouldn't have expected something so low from us, but what did she really expect. Honestly. It's a fucking project. We didn't just invite her to sit with us because we had a fucking tea party. Sorry for not having the foresight to warn you, but please don't accuse me of stooping low "aha" to hurt you because I don't think you understand how much my friendships mean to me and the effect of your words. You might say, clearly my friendships don't mean that much if I wasn't caring enough to realize you would panic from seeing Alicia, but again, I think I can care without spending my entire life thinking about every action I do and if it will trigger your anxiety. We literally just had a conversation the other day about Gauri and how she lets her anxiety define her, but now I feel like that's what you're doing. The least you could do is reply after sending such presumed and unfounded words.

She said on twitter that she's told us multiple times that Alicia makes her uncomfortable so how could we do that to her. Again, I'm sorry. It's not like we invited her over just to have a friendly chat, it's just work. People actually do that. I don't know why she's doing this. I'm sorry I didn't have the foresight to see that being uncomfortable with someone equates to having a complete breakdown.

I love how her only reply is to Chung Min about how it's not her fault.

I love how just because it seems like I don't have problems or anything to worry about, she thinks this is okay. I do actually think about other things besides Aditi's Anxiety TM.

I love how she says she "knows" we don't really care about her anxiety but that what we did today is "realllly" low. Like fuck off with that bullshit. Have all my actions throughout our friendship really insinuated that I don't care about you? Forget caring about your anxiety. Caring about you is caring about everything about you. So has everything I've done really shown that I don't care about you? Do you want me to treat you like I have to walk on eggshells at every turn? I can, but I really thought we were past that. I really thought everything I've done and everything you've done would have meant something more than this.

I love how she's still on twitter retweeting shit and talking about how she wants to play the sims and cry yet she can't fucking take the time to reply to a situation she blew up about.

The world doesn't revolve around you. Other people actually have feelings. Don't say something unless you intend to follow through. Don't fucking tell me you're upset if you don't want to bother hearing me out.

God what am I really apologizing for if she clearly doesn't give a shit.