The Blog of Elaine Wang

29 March 2016

So I got grilled just now but now I'm thinking back and I don't know anymore. I hate it when a teacher stops trusting you for some reason and I just hate this feeling. I wish I could forget it all.

28 March 2016

I might have just done something incredibly stupid, and now it's too late to go back. Did I really just ruin my whole life for this dumb thing. I had every opportunity to back out but I continued and now I just want it to be over. I swear my heart is going 3000 miles an hour. I don't know what to do but wait for what my teacher says. Math is so dumb and it makes me do dumb things. I shouldn't have done it. This one misstep could literally screw everything up. I don't even care anymore I wish I could just go back in time.

23 March 2016

You'd think after all these years of math and math tests, it'd get progressively less nerve wracking. But it's actually getting worse and worse. This is some directly proportional shit. We have literally been doing math since day one of our education to now, and since then we've been doing test after test, all culminating to this point, and you really would think, at some point, I would become numb to it. Hell, I've gotten numb to failing my APUSH everything in just a few months, why is it that math is just so fundamentally anxiety inducing every single time. I mean it's probably the fact that I feel like I'm in it just to disappoint somebody somewhere.

Why do people put math on such a high pedestal anyway. Yeah, without math so many of the amazing things in our world could never have been created. But why not just leave math to the people who enjoy and are good at it. You could say that I'm not as good as them because I don't try, but if you think I'd ever be Albert Einstein then let's get real please. I also know that I don't have to be Albert Einstein to be considered a contributor to society as many big discoveries are culminated through the small ones, yet I just can't see myself enjoying something that for so many years has given me pain and nervousness. That's not to say I don't appreciate learning and getting more intelligent, it's just why does this subject just seem so much more important than everything else. Maybe because it's hard so there's more pride in being good at it?

But everything else is important too. Artists, writers, historians, humanities in general. What kind of shit world would we live in without them. But it's denounced because people claim those things to be "easier" to master or "anyone can become good at art". If that were true, why is it so hard to write a good book? If it were so easy, why are good authors not everywhere. In fact I think it is harder. It's something that is easy to learn but so so hard to become great at because there is never really a right answer. I can memorize 1 plus 1 is 2. I can memorize all the formulas in the world. But I can't memorize how to write a book because there is no definitive way to do it, and if you think that there is and that it's easy then you're a goddamn liar.

I'm pretty sure many parents want their children to go into some logic based lifestyle like math, engineering, science, etc. because it's easier. Normally we think oh being a doctor is so hard. And it is. But eventually you can probably become good at it while you could write and draw for your whole life and just live as a bum because nobody appreciates your work. I guess it is more lucrative to do hard work for immediate results.

Honestly I just don't want to take the damn flashcard quiz tomorrow, and this is what my brain started ranting about.